Children at private and grammar schools criticising comprehensive schools

Kent is an odd place (and I say that as someone who grew up there). Around 25% go to grammar, because Kent essentially ignored the guidance to go comprehensive in the 60s (it was only ever guidance). Plus parts of Kent are very affluent and therefore the % at private schools is more like London levels in some areas.

So you have got over a third of DC at grammar or private, way way higher than other parts of the country. Plus KCC are notoriously shit at SEN so anyone with SEN DC and money has considered private at some point I'm sure. There's a private secondary near Tonbridge with about 1/3 SEN on roll.

So it is massively divisive.

We sent our DC to a private prep (we had our reasons) and she will most likely go to a state comprehensive for various reasons, two being the SEN support is better and the curriculum more suitable.

We have had the odd rude or joshing (but actually verging on rude) comments from other mums about our decisions. One had paid pretty much the same amount on a nanny... But DD knows as a teacher I see these things from the inside I think. Schools are schools are schools! Good bad and indifferent exist in both sectors.

I think this is a valuable lesson in assertiveness for your DD. I like the suggestion to ask questions.

I think there's a big difference between thinking private schools are better (which I obviously do in some ways or I'm an idiot for paying the money) and
saying "all the kids take drugs' / 'are badly behaved' / 'the teaching is terrible' and even 'my parents wouldn't send me there over their dead bodies' which was what the OP said.

I - personally -think private schools are better for mental health and well being, class sizes are smaller, (average about 7 per class) opportunities and extra curricular activities are greater and they have greater resources. I don't think they necessarily give better academic results, (though they can with the smaller class sizes and resources) but that's not why my kids are going. They're going so they have as happy a school time as possible.

Some of their friends from state school are now being home schooled or have mental health issues because of the problems they experienced during and after lockdown. My youngest who was quiet was being ignored in a class of over 30. They're now flourishing and loving every minute of school.

I agree. A bit of ribbing is normal but one of our kids chose the grammar and another chose not to sit the grammar as he preferred the comprehensive. They love being in different schools to each other after being in a very small rural primary school. They do rib each other both saying their school is better but it’s all good humoured and the kids from the same primary school mix and remain friends on the same school bus going to both schools.

Jackiebrambles - fair enough. Hope they manage to stay friends.

Could you help her find some appropriate responses? Pointing out the success of her state school, and perhaps raising queries about (say) the quality of teaching in the private sector? "My parents were a bit worried about xxx, decided it was safer in the state sector..." At one private school I worked at, the staffroom joke was that "they think they buy the brains with the blazers!"

Sadly I think this is a long standing problem. My experience is that some parents from private schools need to justify the fees and often do it by demeaning the students at state schools....obviously, its not all...but it happened a lot in my childhood and I can see it still happening now. It's also a status symbol that some like to flaunt.

Of course, I'm sure it works the other way with state school parents justifying their choice but I really have seen it more the other way.

OP, tell her to ignore, find new friends and do whatever you must to protect her confidence.

I don’t understand why people come on threads and say ‘my child wouldn’t say that kind of thing’. How on Earth do you know? I don’t have a problem with the grammar school system but it’s a bit pointless to kid yourself that your kids won’t pick up on the idea that grammar and private schools are ‘better’ than comprehensives. Telling them otherwise won’t negate them picking up that message. Why would the indies and grammars exist otherwise?

And funny how you assume parents of Private school kids need to justify their choice

"I think the reaction she got is down to the specific children she's friends with and their parents. "

This. It occurs both ways tbh but your daughter is only going to hear one type of attitude if most of her friends are in grammar/private schools. Encourage her to mix things up (regarding social peers) as much as possible, plus she'll make friends/acquaintances from her current school. Remind her that kids will say many things they have no idea about, but since they have never stepped foot in such a school should she really believe them?

When I was at university in the 80s I went to a party with a friend from my course and he introduced a guy who shared his halls.

This guy started a conversation about which schools we had all been to. I mentioned the name of my school and he said he hadn't heard of it. It's just a bog standard comprehensive miles away from your home, I said, I'm not surprised you haven't heard of it.

He looked at me in horror and said, you went to a comprehensive? God, you poor thing, how did you manage to get a place here?

He was astonished when I informed him that actually the majority of the people who were at the university had actually been to comprehensives.

Sad to see that such shitty attitudes are still rife among private school pupils.

I guess I’d just coach her in my favourite tactic, asking questions to break down their ignorance. They’re speaking in generalisations so when, for instance, the statement is made that ‘all the kids there take drugs’ I would suggest she look immediately surprised and reply along the lines of ‘do they? Where did you hear that? Who takes drugs? I don’t know anyone who takes drugs in my friend group!’ Just very innocently probe for further detail about their stupid sweeping statements.

Bad parenting by the friends parents not to have corrected the comments. One would hope that they addressed it after the event but perhaps not. Perhaps that’s where the ignorance begins.

My DD moved to an independent school for secondary and has many friends at the local comp. She wouldn't say things like that - she's quite sensible. But any poor impressions she's got of the local comp have been directly from her friends, not from her own parents. Children seem to enjoy telling her about the incidents of poor behaviour.

As parents we were always careful not to badmouth our local school. It's where she would be if she hadn't got into one of the independents she sat for and it was always clear that most of her friends would go there. It's an ok school, but obviously you get something different if you fund a school at 3x the government rate and make it selective. All we've ever said is that we think her current school would suit her.

Sorry that was to @Southwestten, not on the app and trying to figure it out!

Grammar schools are state schools that select on academic ability via an 11+ exam at the beginning of year 6.

Of course it’s not because I ‘won’t let him be friends’ with someone at private school 🙄

I think just because eventually their friendships will probably naturally move on. Who knows but my husband had his best friend go to a different school and they just grew apart/got different friends they had more in common with!

Some ignorants on this thread. Do you realise how much your local authorities are spending on private schools for students with special educational needs? - mainstream and specialist.

Should these SEN kids not be educated when the state rejects them.

My child goes to a wonderful small private school - placed there by the local authority with fees paid (EHCP). The bullying from local kids is horrendous - the neighbours kids are in the local state school and have the cheek to name call my child "posh" when they are the ones with ponies and £10,000 holidays.
They will have a chip on their shoulder and be horrible people for life.

Judge me for accepting the place in the mainstream private school when the LA told me they'd consulted local state who'd refused to accommodate my child's special needs.

Judge away.

I'm doing it because I want what I think is the best I can do for for my kids. I could have a couple of decent cars and go on holidays polluting the earth, but I don't because my school days were bloody awful and I want my kids to be happy.

If that means you think I'm a twat or in some way beneath you, then that's on you and not me. I don't have a lot of money and I have a shit car, don't drink or gamble or buymyself anything new, as I can't afford anything good, but I have happy kids and a happy partner and that's what I am supposed to do... Look after and raise my family to the best of my abilities. I work and have worked bloody hard to get what little I have including years of working every night and weekend to get the qualifications I now have.

Chiist our two big high schools are fantastic. The big private girls school has a terribly problem with anorexia/bulimia and won't address it. The other big private school charges the earth and my friends kids attended for 7 years and my own kids got far better O snd a level results than hers.

Dds describes the boys attending as Rapey!!!

A bloody good comp is far better than grammar or private in my experience

My son’s friend is going to go private. I was upset to hear that at first.

Jackiebrambles why were you upset? There’s no reason why they can’t remain friends unless you won’t let him be friends with someone at private school.

What exactly is a grammar school, is it private or state owned? I keep hearing people go on about grammar schools on MN however I'm in Scotland where I don't think we have grammar schools, there is simply state and private.

I wonder if this is the beginning of a lifelong 'them and us' attitude for these quite privileged kids.

I doubt it. Those teens will grow up and discover for themselves from living examples among their friends, that the products of any kind of school may shoot to the stars or fall by the wayside They'll find that out at university and at work.

I’m sorry your DC has been on the receiving end of nastiness. I think you just have to tell her that anyone who thinks that way is not worth bothering about.

They can’t be very bright, or very kind. And definitely not someone whose opinion she should value.

It’s an excellent lesson that some people are idiots.

I’ve experienced the other side from adults. My DC go to private school and people who barely know me seem to think it is acceptable to tell me I’m daft to not send them to the local excellent state schools.

I also had a local Dad it was akin to child abuse to send my kids to senior school with just under a hour’s commute door to door.