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Original poster

Do children ever really 'get over' being bullied?

31 replies

Shinyredbicycle · 31/12/2022 16:27

I put 'get over' in quotation marks meaning 'come to terms with and live their life despite of' which was a bit long for a title!

Long story short... I moved dd's school at the beginning of Y10. She had been verbally abused and bullied by another child throughout the summer term of Y9. The school told us nothing about this (lots of the details only came out after dd left the school as she said 'I thought if I didn't talk about it, it wasn't really happening').

Worse than the bullying was the school doing nothing about it. All the staff knew what was happening and all turned a blind eye as, in the words of the deputy head 'they were trying to avoid a permanent exclusion' for the perpetrator. My attempts to have it addressed fell on stony ground, phone calls, meetings etc. After my final meeting, I received an email encouraging me to move my dd to another school. This was utterly heartbreaking for her - she'd been there for three years and not put a foot wrong and they basically managed her out rather than deal with what was going on.

She moved to ds's school (he was in Y8) I think as a ;managed move' as there was a waiting list and suddenly she had a place. Some ups and downs, but she's felt well supported there and trusts that if she has a problem, an adult will deal with it.

She's now applying to sixth forms and is paralysed with anxiety. She is trying to avoid everyone she knew at her old school, everyone they know and everyone they might know. She's basically eliminated every school in London as somewhere that she could apply to. Her current school does have a sixth form; she originally said that she doesn't want to go as there's a formal dress code and due to the demographic of the school, still won't have a social life (children who for religious or cultural reasons aren't allowed out much). If she does go there, it will be from fear rather than a positive choice, so still letting what happened in her old school dictate her current life. She very rarely sees friends out of school, her out of school activities stopped during the pandemic and I can't get her to try anything new.

I've mentioned counselling a few times - she says no which I respect but I'm wondering whether I should try to push it more, or whether bringing it all up will be more harmful as she tries to work towards her GCSEs etc.

It's so distressing to witness as a parent. What should be an exciting step forward is filled with fear and anxiety for her.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shinyredbicycle · 31/12/2022 18:35

Thanks to all who have replied and I'm truly sorry for what your children have gone through.

tickticksnooze you're absolutely right about finding a way to feel safe enough to feel a bit unsafe (but knowing that there will be help on hand if you do).

I think it would help her to speak with an adult other than me. She was off school for over three weeks between leaving her old school (refusing to go as issues weren't being addressed, and no they didn't respond to any of my emails or get in touch once to see how she was) and starting her new school and basically lived in my pocket. I get too caught up in her emotions.

Thanks again all.

OP posts:
aubergineterrine · 31/12/2022 16:51

Sorry to hear your daughter has had such a tough time.

My daughter was bullied for a couple of years, end of GCSE's and whole of 6th form. She got to the point where she either didn't go to school much or sat many of her lessons in the head of 6th forms office. It was awful for her.

When it came to her next step which was to do a foundation course at college before university she really didn't want to spend that year with some of those who had bullied her from school. So we, at enormous expense, let her enrol at the university to do her foundation before going onto the degree.

She has moved on (it's been four years) and put the bullies behind her. It's been hard and will never be forgotten what she had to deal with. However, she now has many friends, she is so much more appreciative of those relationships, she recognises toxic people and avoids them. She actually says that by going through the bullying has helped her in life.

tickticksnooze · 31/12/2022 16:49

Re counselling - the right kind of therapy (which is likely not counselling) would focus on the present rather than reliving the past. So it would explore how it affects her today, coping strategies, ways of thinking now, her feelings now, building a safe working relationship (just that experience can be very healing I'd you have been harmed by other people) etc.

Counselling is not an approved intervention for traumas because it can make them worse by just reliving and embedding them more instead of healing, but other therapies can be helpful. Her instinct of not wanting to relive what happened is probably actually spot on, but would support with the "now" be something she might be more open to?

It might be worth exploring that possibility with her and seeing if she would be more open to that kind of work/support? If she's not though, she's not. People have to be ready and in the right place for talking therapies to be helpful.

To me, what you're describing is essentially a lingering sense of unsafeness, which is normal after traumas (and bullying is trauma). A certain amount of avoidance can be protective, but too much avoidance can stop recovery. It's finding a balance where someone feels safe enough to sit with the anxiety but anxious enough to stretch out their comfort zone.

User57713 · 31/12/2022 16:37

I might cry typing my answer to this so apologies for typos.

Ds was bullied in his last 2 years of primary school. Same sort of situation, school did fuck all, under pressure to keep the bully in school. Things got better in high-school, better pastoral care, and the bully was eventually moves out to a specialist school.

But ds has been left with anxiety issues and tbh so have I. He has anxiety around social situations in particular, always worries about doing the right thing, doesn't want to stand out in the wrong way. I don't think that will ever truly go away.

He's doing great in school, plays in a brass band, has so much going for him. But his insecurities will always be there sadly.

And it's changed me too. I'm anxious for him, whenever he's feeling down about something I immediately worry that someone is picking on him and he's unhappy again.

It doesn't overshadow his life, he's happy much of the time, he's confident in many ways. But the scars will always be there.

Sorry that's not very encouraging.

I'd like to find him some kind of counselling or talking therapy sometime but he's in exam years and happy enough so I don't want to dig up old insecurities, we'll leave them buried for now.

We never talk about the bullying now but I'm conscious of trying to boost his confidence any chance I get, and trying to get him into social situations where he can do well. If that makes sense.

Anewhoo · 31/12/2022 16:36

Yep definitely. I did, I don’t even really think about it anymore, except sometimes look back and feel a bit sad for them, there was obviously something lacking in their life.

Stickytoff · 31/12/2022 16:34

Yes DD got over her bullying eventually. She even speaks to the bully now and again but only in passing they would obviously never be friends. It was extremely tough when it was going on but we taught DD ways to deescalate it herself. In the end her main bully created situations where others started to really dislike her and now I suspect she will move on to a new school as she literally has no friends left. It is so horrible and so difficult to deal with. The school were utterly useless.