Anyone having second thoughts on applying for the super selective 11+ independent girls schools?

I completely agree with @bjmin & a few others on here: you know your child best, and by visiting the schools you should be able to assess where they might be happy / thrive. If anyone's going for a super-selective just because of league tables, but they don't think it's temperamentally or culturally a good fit, that's clearly unwise and is likely to lead to your child being unhappy. We've been to see about 6 "super-selective" schools and it was really clear straight away that two wouldn't suit DD for different reasons. And yet two clearly would. She won't even apply to the two she didn't love: choosing a school is about so much more than league tables and perceived reputation.
A few years ago, someone did a brilliant post on one of these threads and her top advice was "Know Your Child". It's the next seven years of their lives - not ours - that we're talking about, and choosing a school just because it's perceived to be one of the "top" schools is a path that's only going to end in tears (most likely DC's). There's far too much focus (particularly in the London selective day schools world) about whether a school is number 1 or number 50 in the rankings - they're all great schools, and our DCs will thrive where they're happy. And that may be a great local state school with their friends, 10 mins from home, with a proper community around them. Just do whatever you think is best for them.

I was talking about SPGS. But obviously different girls, different parents, different friendship groups, different experiences. This is just my experience.

I'd also add you can send your dc to a less academic school but the pressure will still be on them to be pretty, cool, skinny etc. Some dc are impervious to these pressures, others deal with them very badly indeed. A lot of it is down to the luck of who is in their year and who they become friends with.

I have two DDs , both Alevels next year, both looking at predicted A, A*, B.
One is in private therapy, other is waiting for tranquillisers from the Doctor. It was never this hard when I was at school, I honestly have no idea how to keep them both sane!
Not a selective girl’s school, just saying that I am not sure that it matters where these girls go, the pressure is intense and unrelenting.

•@Codfishermen in hindsight can you say that the difference in how both your DC are handing the pressure at this school, was apparent in their respective personalities before they went there?•

In hindsight, yes, the differences were already there, I really don't think the choice of school would have made much difference and in fairness dc2 loves her school and one of the few things in her life that she does seem to enjoy is the academic stimulation she gets there.

Having thought a bit more about this, I have many friends with dc at comprehensives who are also unhappy, in therapy, in eating disorder clinics etc. If there's one true bogeyman I'd point the finger at it's social media.

Meeeee. But I don't think you can blame the schools. If they weren't there people would also complain. I'm worried about setting my dd up for mh issues as she already puts a lot of pressure on herself.
I am not sure what alternative to look for though because I have been set on academic schools since she was born because I went to one and it served me well.
Now feverishly looking at alternatives and not much is really coming up. My dd needs some pressure as she goes the other way with no pressure at all and does not enough work, but too much pressure and she seems to go off and spend all night doing prep to make it 'perfect'

I have no idea how to manage this or choose a school!
Good luck OP

I don’t think it’s inevitable, but I also think it’s not entirely under the school’s control.

If there are families who ask their dds to report every test result ASAP, to find out if they were top or near the top and to work harder if not, then all the school’s attempts at not ranking pupils, not sharing test results, usually marking with comments not numbers etc are being worked against. I think it’s largely luck as to whether your dd ends up being friends with girls who are being driven like this, in which case it’s hard to avoid picking up some of their anxiety, or whether she ends up with a group of friends whose parents who are relatively hands off and relaxed.

FWIW, my experience of one of these schools is that they are very sensitive to pastoral needs, and very supportive.

I am also curious and still considering schools please dm me.

@Roopachoo It won’t let me send you a PM to let you know the school in question…..

Ah, understood 👌TA

No, this was not Helen Lowe and was specifically about NLCS being considered "softer pastorally" than SPGS and G&L. They were not saying the pastoral care is thought to be lacking at SPGS and G&L, just less soft.

I had second thoughts re: SPGS two years ago. DD is there in second year and absolutely loves it. From what I can tell, the "pressure" largely comes from parents incessantly monitoring and measuring their kids' performance. That said, I think intelligent DC's can do very well in all types of schools, so no need to overthink it. You know your DC best, do what you feel most comfortable with.

Was that Helen Lowe making that recommendation? She clearly had some personal issue with G&L, so was just curious 🙂

we took an active decision several years ago to opt out of this even though people thought we were mad. We took the decision to go for good state and much less selective co-eds for all the reasons you state.

I feel very strongly that a school full of high achieving alpha females can be incredibly damaging and I see the evidence in front of me with so many of my friend's children and my children's friends. Have been through that system myself and it's not something I would be prepared to put my kids through. I think that it's less so with the boys schools but highly selective girls schools, not in a million years.

OP my eldest is through school now. He had a fantastic co-ed state education at a very good comprehensive. He had peers who were also extremely academic but those who struggled too and guess what? His grades and his university destination are identical to those of his habs / City / UCS / NLCS peers.

We've gone less selective pastoral and co-ed (youngest is at private for various reasons) and outcomes are looking pretty identical with a bit more understanding that everything is not a competition and that sound mental health and support is more important than an extra A grade

It's not the schools, it's a) some of the parents , who are ludicrously pushy (thin one mother who told her child they'd have to retake any GCSE with less than an 8) and b) the cohort within the schools that produces issues - this can be either good or bad depending on your child. I have two dc at a very elite London school, both work extremely hard because they're naturally driven and competitive (and intellectually curious). One can cope with it fine, though she does get tired, the other is overwhelmed imo - but she also has mh issues exacerbated by the pandemic. The school itself is extremely supportive and sympathetic with anything to do with mh. I have friends with dc at less high-achieving schools tearing their hair out because their dc are doing no work at all.

If you have a good state option why wouldn’t you take it?

I would go for the good state option over the super-hothouse independent. The more I see of the very pushy elite private schools, the less I like their system and the less co convinced I am by the “product”!

The atmosphere at some of these schools is exactly what some parents want though. They are only interested in traditionally academic subjects, league tables, university destinations and how many children go onto study medicine, engineering and law. If your child is not constantly working and achieving then they are classed as lazy. The pressure and the school “product” that supports this is dictated by the parents. The customer.

It would be foolish to assume that all super selective schools are the same though. Some do actually support girls very well and are happy, thriving places where girls are very busy doing other stuff outside academics. Parents really should focus on the school of best fit. If your gut is saying it’s not the right place then that should come before results and league tables.

We turned down a place at a super academic school for DC1 and opted for a school many see as a “backup” choice. One parent told me I was mad. A few years in and my child is flying. Has a busy life full of sport and a scholarship in a creative subject. They are ridiculously happy and love school. Plus they are on track for 8s and 9s at GCSE. We 100% made the right choice.