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To change daughters school in year 9?

58 replies

Handoverthechocollate · 08/10/2022 04:46

DD just started year 9 and attends a girls grammar school and is doing very well academically. She has a nice group of friends and has only had one big friendship falling out in year 8 where she then had to make a new set of friends (which she did with ease). Her brother has ASD and I strongly suspect that she is neurodiverse, but she masks well and probably will not meet the criteria for a diagnosis. She does have some anxiety, finds it hard to make eye contact, is shy etc.
From the time she went to the GS she realised her mistake and has hated it. She tried extra curricular sport and music and loves her friends, but hates the atmosphere, the ethos of the school and the pressure from her anxious friends and teachers. She is so unhappy that I sometimes hear her crying in her room before a new school term. Daily she says she hates it so much before and after a school day.
In May - when she was in year 8 - I put her name down for a school a bit further away which is a church school and has great pastoral care, a better ethnic/cultural mix (my daughter is black/white mixed race and hardly any of the current school cohort are the same). A space has come up and they have offered it to her to move at half term. Logistically the school is further away from home, but closer to her brother´s school, so the school run would still work.
We visited their Open Evening last night and she liked it, but she is in more turmoil as to what to do (she finds it hard to make decisions!)
I don´t want to force her to change, in case it goes wrong and she blames me!
Any wise words from anyone who has done this move? My concern is that she will not like ANY school because of hidden neurodiversity.....WWYD?

OP posts:
Mummadeze · 08/10/2022 07:40

I am going through the same dilemma, but my DD has a recent ASD diagnosis. The SENCOs at her school have said she will find any school anxiety inducing, and I know they are right, but she wants to try a different school. It is so hard to know whether it will be better or worse. And as she is in Yr 9, it feels like our last chance to make a decision. I didn’t know some schools offered a trial though. I will definitely explore that.

Meatshake · 08/10/2022 07:33

Get her diagnosed so she can understand her behaviour and why she reacts differently to other people.

Move her so she can at least have a chance to be happy. Talk to the SENCO at the new school about your concerns.

Masked "girl autism" isn't diet coke autism. Just because you don't see the meltdowns doesn't mean it's not internally damaging to the psyche.

parietal · 08/10/2022 06:02

Move her. She is crying everyday and that hasn't changed in over a year. It won't suddenly get better with coping strategies

Bbqchicken · 08/10/2022 05:51

It's normal to be nervous, if she is deeply unhappy at the current school it doesnt seem like you have a lot to loose anyway. I'd go for it if you are both happy to do it, she will likely be quite popular as she will be the new kid in the class. There's bound to be a friendship group with simular interests she can slot into as well

Untitledsquatboulder · 08/10/2022 05:40

It's hard (understatement) but you are the grown up and you need to be the one to take this decision and to be prepared to be "blamed".

To me it's a no- brainer- she's deeply unhappy, move her. If it turns out she's not "school shaped" then you'll need to think again but that will have tried alternative to the gs she hates so much. Or - if you know deep down this is never going to work - then maybe it's time to seriously look at other options.

Handoverthechocollate · 08/10/2022 05:18

Thanks. We did ask if she can do a trial day @Bbqchicken but they said they can´t do that unfortunately. My gut says its right to move, but we´re both understandably nervous!

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Bbqchicken · 08/10/2022 05:05

Ask if she can go for a day or two to try it. Explain she and you are keen for her to move, it wouldn't be good for you or the school if she moves and hates it so. I know people who have moved and done the same, it has always been the best decision in the end.

Handoverthechocollate · 08/10/2022 04:53

I forgot to add
YABU - leave her where she is and find coping strategies
YANBU - move her to the comp

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