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Original poster

Playing "private school" sports: Should I take this up with school or am I being precious?

67 replies

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/10/2022 14:45

DD has just recently started YR 7 in a private girls' school having come from a local state primary.

The school has a feeder prep and roughly one third of the senior school girls come from the prep. Around half of the intake have come from the state system and the school makes a very big deal about being inclusive towards those who haven't been in the prep system and preventing cliques and "prep vs state" behaviour particularly in the early years. In particular they actively encourage those girls who didn't do sports of the sort you associate with private schools, such as hockey and lacrosse at primary, to take them up in YR 7 and there are "catch up" classes etc.

My DD has just started doing hockey, having done a couple of taster classes at her primary and enjoyed it. She likes it but obviously is not at the level of those children who were doing it at prep.

She came home yesterday upset because two girls who had come from the prep were picking on her and saying non prep girls are rubbish at sports and should be in the "remedial" class. From what I could gather it stopped short of bullying and the girls later apologised to her but it left a bad taste in DD's mouth. I was seething and my inclination was to contact the school and tell them, not the girls names but tell them it was an issue despite their best efforts. My DD has asked me not to because she thinks it will have negative ramifications for her.

If it were a major league public school I'd be inclined to chalk it up to just one of those learning moments but the school goes out of its way to stamp down on that kind of thing and I'm damned if I'm having my DD put off something she wants to do by some snobby girls. Should I flag this to the PE staff or head of year or should I just let it go?

OP posts:
IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 09/10/2022 08:02

If you raise it, please don't overlook mentioning that the girls taunting your daughter later apologised. That is also a reflection of them.

My DC play hockey at state school in Yorkshire, so did I 35 years ago in London. I didn't realise it wasn't a standard state school sport.

MyLovelyPen · 09/10/2022 07:55

@DobbyTheHouseElk based on what evidence 😂. What an utterly ridiculous thing to say.

Welcome to the air of superiority that privately educated kids have 🤷‍♀️. It’s ingrained I’m afraid and it won’t be the last time it happens. My DC play a very “public school” sport and come across this when they play a public school team. They have learnt to ignore it - especially when they beat them 😄.

declutteringmymind · 09/10/2022 07:49

Welcome to high school!
My son has gone from state to primary, and honestly there have been no problems with integration with the prep school kids. There is the issue that the prep kids get in the teams and stuff, but we have kept with his outside clubs which has given him a different set of friends to school.

At high school you have 2 options. Either speak to school OR realise it's time for you to support your child in dealing with theses bullies. Of course it shouldn't be happening, but I'm coming to realise that the next biggest purpose of secondary school is your child has to face the reality that there are these kinds of people in life wherever you go and you need to manage and deal with the situation. ie you really love hockey, and those people shouldn't be stopping you enjoy it. So encourage her to speak to the pastoral teacher - my son is learning that if he sends an email with me copied in, things get dealt with. Or confronting them and rolling his sleeves up and getting a bit nasty ' here we go again Jake, you've picked me to practice being a dick on today, let me know when you want to move on '

Support your daughter to deal with the situation, or manage it and you will set her up for life.

lannistunut · 09/10/2022 07:30

DobbyTheHouseElk · 09/10/2022 07:26

Definitely raise it with the school. IMO private schools deal with this better than state. They really don’t like bullying behaviour. I’m sure you won’t be the only parent to raise it.

I'd say the opposite, but they are all different. Trouble is private schools don't like to offend any parents, you don't bite the hand that feeds you.

lannistunut · 09/10/2022 07:29

saying non prep girls are rubbish at sports and should be in the "remedial" class. From what I could gather it stopped short of bullying This is clearly bullying, why are you saying it 'stopped short'?

Private schools are well known for status/money-based bullying, some parents can be snobs and it it rubs off on their kids.

If I were you I would move to a decent state school, but the other course is to explain to the school that this type of bullying is likely to damage their business as it will restrict the number of people who feel welcome in the school.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 09/10/2022 07:26

Definitely raise it with the school. IMO private schools deal with this better than state. They really don’t like bullying behaviour. I’m sure you won’t be the only parent to raise it.

Lopilo · 09/10/2022 07:23

If your daughter has asked you not to tell the school, then I wouldn’t. She will stop telling you about things if you complain to the school each time. Obviously, there may be occasions when you really have to tell the school about something, but this is definitely not one of them. She has told you because she wants sympathy, not because she wants you to solve it.

EmpressoftheMundane · 08/10/2022 09:15

The girls apologised. Your DD handled it well on her own. Leave it for now. Don’t undermine your DD.

PotatoHammock · 06/10/2022 15:33

Definitely raise it, but make it clear that it's more "for information" rather than expecting any particular action to be taken. As a teacher, I always want the fullest picture possible of a year group, and inevitably staff don't hear everything that goes on.

By the by- I'm jealous that you've found a school that offers both hockey and lacrosse!

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2022 15:21

If you tell the school but not specifics, the school may have a bit of an all rounder chat with everyone about patience and kindness etc. I think the school should know the procedures they’re following are still leading to these types of comments. Then if it happens again it will be on record.

Mariposista · 06/10/2022 15:19

The fact that these girls were grown up enough to apologised, you should leave it for now. Obviously if it continues, it's bullying and yes you will be right to intervene. But your daughter is right, if mummy goes complaining to the school after one incident that the kids sorted themselves, she will be the one to suffer.
Why not encourage your daughter to get these more experienced girls to give her tips on how to be a better player? That way she will forge friendships and learn new skills.

DevaleraSpawnOfSatan · 06/10/2022 15:00

I would say nothing for now, they realised that they had overstepped the mark and apologised, if it happens again then I would have no hesitation in speaking to the school on a FYI basis.

Original poster
Thepeopleversuswork · 06/10/2022 14:58

Thanks all. I have to say my strong instinct was to say something but DD is adamant that she doesn't want to be seen as a a "snitch". I won't disclose the girls' identities and make it seem like a systemic thing as opposed to a few individuals.

OP posts:
user1494050295 · 06/10/2022 14:57

To add if they are reliant on income from primary educated state school children they will act on this

user1494050295 · 06/10/2022 14:56

Please tell the school.

SisterGabriel · 06/10/2022 14:54

Tell the school. They need to note it. If it keeps happening it will be bullying. The staff will be horrified at this snobbery from the pupils.

ArtHistory · 06/10/2022 14:50

That's a difficult one. I'd be tempted to flag it to the head of PE but make it v clear that you don't want your DD identified so that its just as an FYI only thing. I think its useful to flag it is so important to keep girls in sport, and this is exactly the sort of thing that could put some girls off.

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