Playing "private school" sports: Should I take this up with school or am I being precious?

It's very common at a similar school near me.

I'd leave it. They apologised and your daughter has explained clearly she doesn't want you to get involved.

It would be good to mention it but I don't think I'd trust a PE teacher to deal with such feedback appropriately. We have experience of state and independent and PE teachers are a law unto themselves wherever.

I'd bite your tongue op and sign your dd up at a hockey club to get her up to scratch. I played lacrosse. DD didn't at either of her independent schools. Lacrosse was brilliant. It should be played more.

I've had to deal with a few very similar situations. I emailed the teachers saying that I did not want my child to know I was in contact, and that I was not naming names. Emphasised that i had no expectations for how they dealt with it, just wanted to let them know. In each case it was received very well, my child was oblivious, and the teachers said that really did want to know about this sort of thing.

🤣 She’ll be bullied much worse at State school. We just moved to private cos DD was bullied at State school for working hard and having aspirations and good manners etc. We can all only rely on our own experience, but mine had been that bullying is a much bigger problem in the State sector.

This

They sound like a right pair of little b***s. Or they are just parroting what they hear at home. I would tell her to get so good at sport that she wipes the floor with them!

State schools are well known for bullying kids for being too wealthy or clever, some parents are scum and it rubs off on their kids.

Not true or fair is it?

Good point.

Oh god, I remember this 20 years ago. DD went to indie girls from state primary. One of only a handful who hadn't played traditional sports. Her primary did 'games' instead no competitiveness encouraged
Some girls tried 'teasing' but she soon found her feet. At the autumn parents evening I had a conversation praising the staff saying I was sure that such excellent staff would soon have her up to speed 😉 . They did, she got in the team. Maybe ask in conversation how many represent the school from school coaching alone.

DD is adamant that she doesn't want to be seen as a a "snitch".

DD has the correct approach.

The school's policies appear to have done the job required of them. DD is not being continually bullied.

Don't make her life worse by flagging this up.

My experience. I’ve used both state and private.

I think it is in secondary school but I don’t think many state primaries play hockey whereas a number of the prep schools do.

One of the national papers did an investigation of the equality in GB level sport. Surprisingly, hockey was above rugby for the proportion of privately educated GB players.

It's moved on from my day when you played on grass and simply converted the pitches from football and rugby to hockey for a term. Installing an astro pitch is expensive, needs space plus paying for the ongoing costs such as the watering system for water based pitches. I guess that makes it difficult for some state schools.

And even if you have an astro, that can only be used for one team or year group at a time. We have two astro pitches at school but could do with a third.

That said, my kids are in hockey performance schemes and there's a good proportion of players from state schools, often who've played a lot of club hockey. Hockey is growing in popularity for both boys and girls so there's usually plenty of local hockey clubs who are keen to have new players and run a performance and development team to cater for different standards.

I’d see if this is an isolated incident or not.

I doubt any preps do lacrosse. On the hockey side at that age many of them will have been doing hockey in clubs outside school for years, more than actually playing that much at prep school. They’re also packed with state school kids who are making the move to private, or indeed aren’t going private at all.

If your daughter asked you not to say anything I wouldn't. It may break her trust and mean that she won't tell you if it continues.

You could also use this as a bonding moment which will become few and far between now she's at High School, get yourself to Sports Direct or Decathlon and pick up a couple of cheap hockey sticks and balls and get to the local park. DD can teach you - which will build her confidence, and she'll get to practise which will improve her skills

Is that fair?

You don't know that it's a systemic thing. You need to say that you realise it might just be individuals who misspoke (likely as they spontaneously apologised) but would they please be alert to ensure it's not a systemic issue.

Most preps don't do lacrosse, and not all do hockey, so if this is about the experience gap for sports, then it doesn't map exactly to previous school.

Would you have the same reaction if it had been two netballers who played in a club talking about those with only school experience?

I’m quite surprised tbh. My dc have been in private since reception and quite honestly have no concept of state and private! Even my y6! She wouldn’t have a clue which schools were private and which weren’t. She only realised this year that I paid for her school! When new girls join I occasionally ask her “oh where did so and so come from?” And her stock response is “I dunno.
Shes got such a nice pencil case/lip balm/hair bobble”
So Im quite surprised that a bunch of 11 year olds know and care who has been to a non fee paying school previously. It’s quite sad really.

They must have realised that they crossed the line if they apologised.

I would respect your DD's wishes and not do anything for now on the basis that she is more likely to come and confide in you if it happens again or if anything more serious happens. But I'd definitely be keeping a close eye and going to speak to the school if there were any more incidents or if this seemed like a pattern of behaviour.

My DC play hockey at state school in Yorkshire, so did I 35 years ago in London. I didn't realise it wasn't a standard state school sport

I think it is in secondary school but I don’t think many state primaries play hockey whereas a number of the prep schools do.

I work in a similar sounding school and we would DEFINITELY want to know this. We can’t deal with stuff we don’t know about with.

I'd leave it for now. If it comes up again, you can speak to school but at that age, kids speak a lot of rubbish.

It goes the other way too. My son is decent at sport and some of the kids at his prep school constantly put him down, said he didn't deserve to make the county and regional teams, others were better than him etc. They were particularly unpleasant on the group WhatsApp chat when he was given a sports scholarship for the school most of them were going to.

After three years or so of it, I went in to the prep school as I was annoyed that his room mates had been tipping everything out of his suitcase and various other things on a school ski trip so he was trying to stay out of the room for as long as possible. The response from school was that they were jealous (as if that made it acceptable) and it made no difference.

My advice would be to tell your daughter to either make a joke of it so they don't have the satisfaction of getting a rise out of her or ignore it. It's hard as a parent but secondary school is a different kettle of fish and the kids have to learn to get on with it. She'll find her group of friends I'm sure and won't be so bothered by stupid comments.

I’d flag it without mentioning names, as this is the first incident.

I like @declutteringmymind addition re. their DS sending the email and parent is cc’d. Obviously not a option for your DD right now.

You’ll need to support your DD of course, but you also need to show them how they can deal with people like this themselves.

It’s also good to establish a flow of communication with Secondary School Teachers if you can, as there are not the same opportunities to have a chat like there is at Primary level.

I rang my DD’s new State Academy School to query part of the PE uniform. I hadn’t bought it yet, as I wasn’t sure if DD would need it. DD was worried she’d get detention if she did not have the item by the following week. The Head of PE rang me back. All was explained and we also discussed the Athletics Club that DD attends outside of school. Head of PE asked me to send them the club details so the school could promote the club to other students. I ordered the item which was meant to be delivered in good time. Delivery was delayed so I emailed the Head of PE to keep them informed. They said not to worry about detention; a lot of students are also still waiting for their orders to arrive. A couple of weeks ago, DD was chosen to represent the school in a Borough Cross Country Run. Last week, Head of PE suggested that DD attend another after school sports club on alternate weeks, as it clashes with another sports club that DD already attends. DD really enjoyed the new club.

Maybe teach her how to stand up for herself. If she can, she could try saying very calmly, 'That's not true. You're better - for now - because you've had more practise. We'll soon catch up.'

If she wants to be bitchy she could try, 'But they didn't teach you manners or kindness at your prep school?'

And instead of feeling these comments are a reflection on her, teach her they are a reflection on the other girl. Tell her whenever someone speaks to her like this, to make a mental note: unopleasant person. I won;t bother making an effort to be their friend.

Some people will stay snobbish or be bullies all their lives. Some are sjust ignorant or insecure. She'll find out which. But she needs to learn she is judging them for their behaviour as well as them judging her for her background. It works both ways. The power is also hers. With half the school from state, she is bound to find good friends who aren't snobs.

We would really want to know if this were happening in our school and would keep it anonymous if you requested. Never heard of this happening in y7- even those coming from prep haven't all had the same experiences or indeed aptitude- so sorry this has been said to your DD