Considering independent school. Family very negative about it?

IME a lot of these negative comments from family etc come from a defensive position. They feel the need to justify why they haven’t sent their children to private school. And obviously it’s not because of cost or that they don’t care about their children’s education. They churn out a list of tropes instead. Apparently it’s not enough that they made their choice and you made yours. It’s the same in so many areas of parenting.

All independent schools are SO different. Yes, there are 100% some private schools that seem to turn kids into brats, but their parents always sound the same, so it's more likely it comes from home!

Our children have all gone through state education but we have an autistic daughter who is going to a little independent school which is set up for autistic children. It's perfect for her. That's why we are paying out for it. Bo state school could provide what they provide.

"DS is studious and thrived in a very academic school, where he had a good group of friends with shared interests. (DH is similar and really struggled in a “bog standard” comp where he became isolated and was bullied)"
This was also my experience - no shared interests, isolation and bullying.

"the behaviour of a minority of students in a lot of state secondaries is so appalling and anti social that it would be truly distressing for a child who comes from a functional home where people treat each other with respect and kindness. Experiencing the behaviour of very troubled young people who shout, scream, swear, use physical violence, vape, use racist or sexually aggressive language can be traumatising if your life experience has not inured you to such things."
Again, totally consistent with my experience.

I pay for a school that I can barely afford, not because I want to or because I think I am buying advantage/contacts/an oxbridge place, but because the experience I had at a (not even) bog standard comp was frankly horrific and I can't in good conscience send my (exceptionally bright) child to any of our state catchment schools, which have few high attainers and not very good outcomes.

That made me laugh. We have very similar
cousins it seems!

''They all moved, tutored, found religion, or rented in other catchments. The last was very common. I could not see why paying is considered a less moral option.''

I always wonder this as well, @Needmoresleep . My cousin is vociferously anti private schooling- but she played catchment monopoly in order to get into a state school she wanted. That is just paying for it, by a different means - while giving her that warm smug feeling that she is somehow better than me who was honest enough to just pay up front.

Also there was one really good state school in our area and it was massively over subscribed. My argument that by paying for private I was opening up a place to the good state school for someone who might not otherwise have gotten into that school so i was performing a public service really made her hit the roof with fury. (I said it to wind her up actually, because she was pissing me off with her self righteous bullshit about how immoral we were to pay for private). )

But I maintain that nobody else has the right to tell you what to do with your own money. We do not have fancy cars or holidays and we downsized our house in order to have much smaller mortgage payments. Private school has been brilliant for my son who has a range of SEN and he is supported brilliantly via the excellent pastoral care he receives.

And not just friends! Some complete random in the doctor’s waiting room once demanded to know why my children went to private school! I was so taken aback I actually answered her

There are a lot of people who will express strong opinions about matters which they know nothing. We had the same from some friends about decision to send DD to indy: just decide what is best for YOUR children and politely tell others that is what you have decided. They may not think it is value for money, the right choice etc. but then it is not THEIR decision to make.

I think undoubtedly it is easier to get into a top university from a state comprehensive. We live near two top performing independent schools and there is much indignation that the local girls comp gets a greater number of their students into Oxbridge. A neighbour's daughter attended the girls independent school. She has just done her GCSEs and she is swapping to the comprehensive state school for her sixth form knowing that she has the same chance if not better of getting offers from the best universities.
My PILS paid for my nieces to go to to independent schools because the girls were super bright. They actually swapped them to state schools for their sixth form. My ordinary children went to the local comp and both went to Cambridge. My poor MIL was completely dumbfounded. She never went to university and she honestly thought expensive meant better.

If you are a Christian or a humanist you shouldn't send your children to private school for moral reasons.

If you believe in climate change you should spend your money on making sure your house (s) food and travel are environmentally friendly.

If you are patriotic you should spend your money on supporting political parties which will make sure parents and children have enough to eat and stable housing and /or your business to build up exports for UK plc.

@Acemum33 this is true. You're either traumatised by it or you come to see it as normal. Neither is good. We are moving ds to a different school for 6th form. He says his current school is 'not that bad', but that's because, sadly, he has never known anything different.

I think the real issue is that the behaviour of a minority of students in a lot of state secondaries is so appalling and anti social that it would be truly distressing for a child who comes from a functional home where people treat each other with respect and kindness. Experiencing the behaviour of very troubled young people who shout, scream, swear, use physical violence, vape, use racist or sexually aggressive language can be traumatising if your life experience has not inured you to such things.

private schools are not the same as independent schools

Yes they are.

It depends entirely on the quality of the specific school and how well it will suit your dc. I've taught in multiple state and independent schools and my own dc have been through a (formerly pretty good but currently nosediving) state comprehensive.

One of the independents I worked in was a truly wonderful place. I would have loved to send dd there (girls' school) if I could have afforded to. The other one I worked in (very long-established and expensive) I wouldn't have sent my dc to for free.

Your relatives don't sound like they have a clue though. A really good private school is likely to have, if anything, better qualified teachers than state schools. Bullying is just as rife in state schools as private schools. Whether kids do well isn't dependent on whether they are 'nice' (what an odd remark). How good a school is will affect how any child does, but things like small class sizes in a private school can make a real difference. The 'real life' comment is nonsense.

I think you are making some very odd, wholly spurious distinctions here. Private and independent are the same, some are academically selective, some are not, whatever they're called.

If the state options near you are awful then I can understand. However not all independents are good. Plus as you said you’ll have to tighten your belts and it will be tight I’d really consider if you can’t make the state school work. If you’ve the money to spare go for it.

private schools are not the same as independent schools
anyone can teach at a private school, whereas independent
school teachers are usually double degreed

what? I think you’re getting mixed up with public schools

private schools are not the same as independent schools
anyone can teach at a private school, whereas independent
school teachers are usually double degreed

private schools are for poshos, independent are for competitive
children required to sit an entrance exam, interview with the
headmaster and the capacity to keep up

perhaps your family are concerned regarding the social aspect
of school life - the prospect of what does your pater do Carruthers
and being beaten up if the answer does not suit, which
is still a prevalent notion, but comcern is relevant if your child/ren are to take
advantage of school trips, expensive sports, etc.

It can be an upward battle so best not to say anything.
My own father, an engineer, exclaimed when my son had good
marks for his latin and greek at gcse, why were they learning
a dead language, what good will that do them, on and on.
Embarrassing.
He seemed to think ne would be better off doing woodwork - see?
best to say nothing.
At my son’s school open day, we were able to look around, ask
questions, speak to teachers,
6th form boys in attendance (so tall, so big)
which was helpful

good luck OP whatever you decide

Sorry I put my comment on the wrong person! It was actually a reply to something specific that was listed 🤣

This is so random!

They are your children, no one else's, so make the right decision for their education and make no apologies for it.

I taught at QE boys! Lovely school though certainly not typical of state schools or even other grammars

👍 what schools did your DCs attend. In the same dilemma of deciding state school vs. Independent

Oh I love a good private school thread!

I have two kids private school

If your child has come through state school where are they at in terms of ability/academically ? Many independent/ private primaries run at 18 months ahead of state schools so if your son joins this school he may already be behind especially if they have the lower school attached, he may struggle to catch up if there are holes in his learning - however a really good school will spot this and act accordingly

Have you checked the ISI? Not all private schools are academically sound, we have to move from our first one. However if you find a a really good one - they - are- worth - every - single - penny.

The youngest is in pre-prep, but the point stands.

If you can afford it at all, you have a moral duty to do the best for your kids by sending them to a decent fee paying school.

I went to a terrible state school in Ireland, which was little more than crowd control, and my wife went to one of the top independent schools in the country.

I worked hard over the past 20 years to get where I am, but it is only through seeing how well my wife's school friends have done in the City and in professional services, that I really see the value of the confidence and network that a decent fee paying education brings.

We have three kids under 10 - all in prep school and all loving it. Worth every penny.