Guilt over school commute

Does he have any friends/new schoolmates who also go to this school from your area? I'm wondering if there is a parent who might be driving that you could come to an arrangement with, even if only a couple of days a week?

Or at least another child to pal up with on the journey.

Is it not possible for you/his father to drive him?

It seems odd that there is no school bus, unless you live in a completely different area to the majority of the other pupils. Even if one doesn't come as far as you could he take a school bus somewhere else and then be picked up or cycle home?

Or can he go to a club or childminder or friend's house or something and come home later to miss rush hour?

I feel somehow that there might be a creative/lateral thinking solution that you are missing.

@Allotment123 it seems that lots of people have come on here specifically to pile on more guilt, so I will offer an alternative viewpoint. In my job I work with lots of kids after school, I see them go through primary, in to secondary, and that first term in secondary school they are ALL exhausted and grumpy, the ones who travel further, and the ones who don't even roll out of bed until 8. It's the transition that is hard. My DD leaves the house at 7, and depending on the carnage of the bus system, makes it home any time from 5.30 at the earliest. I don't feel guilt for it as she is beyond happy at her school, (she helped choose it in the first place,) she does clubs at lunch times, chats to friends on buses that overlap, does revision homework if she's on her own so that it's done and dusted. She's keeping up with the things she wants to do outside school too. It's been a big adjustment, but she's embracing it. So I'd say what it comes down to, is if your son is happy there. Have a chat to him, if he is, then stop feeling guilty, he will get into the routine, but maybe look for little ways you can help him. Sometimes my husband myself are able to drop DD at school early on our way past to work, or even at a nearer bus stop. Sometimes work patterns mean that of she stays after school in the homework room for an hour, someone can pick her up and she's home earlier than she would be normally with the added bonus of all the homework being done. We look for ways of helping her as much as possible. One of my other children would not cope so well, so when we apply to secondary for him it will be with a different plan in mind. Only you know your child.

It seems too long Op, u less the local school is hideously awful then I think I would reconsider. Xx

Can you work on the cycle? 5 miles isn't far, cycling in traffic is a skill but just needs practise.

My 10 year old cycles to school on his own on the roads which I have taught him to navigate correctly. Only half a mile but every intention of him cycling the 5 miles to secondary from day one in Year 7 - we will practise it over the summer holidays.

No definitely too long. Also if the journey is across the city there will always be delays especially in rush hour. He’s a bit young to be dealing with full buses, cancelled buses etc. and imagine the winter months.

I did a bus journey for school (not as far) when I was a kid but I did it with a few others and I remember we were all late for the maths exam when the bus was full.

If there is a local school I would send him there and make the move now.

Where did his friends from primary go?

I wouldn’t like a two hour commute home on a bus. There must be a better way to do this.

I had an hour each way commute in secondary so that I could go to a much better school and it was completely worth it. Does he have an iPhone with Audible / games etc to at least relax on the bus? Anything over an hour is too long though so I would look at if that’s a one off or if something can be done to shorten the trip home. Maybe you could collect home or is there a train option? Is there an option to lift share with other parents?

Same here 😞

Can you take him ? He must be exhausted

Is moving house an option?

We had a similar journey time just due to traffic - 15 min drive in non-rush hour traffic, an hour in rush hour (this was actually out in the countryside and it was my local school, 3 miles away - the traffic is just absolutely gridlock from my village into town as it’s an arterial road and lots of people commute that way.

Can you drive him? DM drove us until I was about 15, and I just used to go back to sleep in the front seat. Or talk to DM, or listen to the radio. Obviously the bus back was fine as it wasn’t rush hour.

I used to have a long commute to school, I would leave at around 7.30am and get back just before 5. I found it ok but I had 2 mornings a week where I got driven to school which made a big difference. I also had a friend who lived nearby start in the year below me so from year 8 I had company.
Me going to school so far away had a big impact on family life as I got older. I had after school activities and all my friends were in the school town. That, added to my parents working hours meant that my life gradually became based there. I stayed over with friends a lot and saw my family relatively little.
For me it was worth it though. Our local school was dreadful and my school was amazing. I absolutely loved going to school there.

Have you checked if there are any dedicated school bus services that run nearby?

When my DD was at secondary she got the school bus. It was quicker and more direct that public transport.

I wonder whether where we all live impacts our view on this?
If you commute into London it is probably viewed as no big deal.
if you live somewhere where commutes of 30mins are standard then it probably seems a big deal.

It seems a big deal to me. But neither of my children would have coped with that as both found school exhausting enough as it was.

That school really must be excellent to want a 3 hour day commute …I think it’s far too long.

Far too long. I’d move him. You’ve decided based on a best case scenario journey which won’t happen often. How well will he learn when he’s exhausted? What about after school clubs? Proximity to friends?

He's 11 not 4.

My ds gets a 7.45 bus so is up at 6.45. He gets home at 5.30. He still copes fine with his homework and (too many) hours of computer games. So no, I don't feel guilty. I make sure he's in bed by 9.30. I let him sleep in at the weekends.

What does your son say?

I agree with @sheepdogdelight , an hour is hopeful at best. A15-min walk to the bus stop is surely at least 20 so you’re not late. 35 min bus ride is probably 45 as often as not. Suddenly it’s 75 mins which is too long imho.

otoh a 12yo with no mobility issues can cycle five miles in 30mins surely, so that may genuinely be an option?

When I was at school I had a two-hour commute door to door and it really affected my grades and my own health. I'd leave at 6.30 every day and get home at 5.30-6pm - even later in the winter.

If your child is taking 2 hours to get home now, this could even even later come December/January.

Even if it is a good school, please think about your child's physical and mental health and the impact on their work.

I only did it for two years - Year 10 and 11 - I learnt a lot from it but no way could I have sustained that for the whole of secondary school.

I did it. Nearly an hour and a half each way to nearest grammar school (9 miles), started in 2000.

Once every couple of weeks or so the sheer weight of traffic on the road into the city centre on the road home meant it was 2+ hrs.

I also remember frequently breaking down on the way up a steep hill and us all getting off and having to pile into a phone box to tell our parents we would be very late a fair few times!

I was the first/last stop as we were so rural, but there were a few of us within a few stops of each other. You get used to it.

Urgh, that’s a hard commute. My mum moved us further away from school in year 10 and I had a nightmare commute (walking and 2 buses!) It was grim and I was older. Especially in winter when it was freezing cold and pouring with rain. I had to do this for 4 years so I really feel for him. How much better is this school? Is it really worth the trouble?

When I was at secondary I had a similar commute - bus at 7:20am hope to be in school by 8:45 (depending on traffic!) home at around 4:30ish Winter was always walking to and from bus stop in the dark!

The stress of the exams! My Parents couldn’t take me in as they both worked and sitting on a bus hoping we’d be in on time for exam
starts - made GCSE extra stressful!

I live a 10 min walk to my daughters secondary school!

I think this is too much. But I get why you made the decision - a better school with 5 mile commute on a bus route.

But what about the occasions he's late for school - he risks detention then bring late out of school and even later home.

He'll not be keen to do extra curriculars at school such as sport, library, DofE etc.

His tiredness will mean getting him to engage with homework will be more difficult.

I think you're best biting the bullet now and moving him. Talk with him first though

Did you actually do the bus journey yourself before deciding it was doable? It sounds like a standard rush hour bus journey really.

I'd suggest your 40 minutes journey time in your first post was a bit disingenuous - if you consider the time from leaving house to actually sitting down in school, you are looking at over an hour even on a good day by the time you've added a little bit of leeway to get to the bus stop on time etc.

What happens when your child wants to go to after school club, music sport etc. At my kids school if they have to go to a comp at another school they are often dropped back at school between 5-6 pm. The same for school trips. Then add on a two hour bus ride they could be getting home at 8 pm. My child has a comp or trip at least every 3 weeks, it might be a better school but it limits what a child can actually do/achieve at that school.