11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

OP, sending you big hugs, what a challenging situation for you and your son.

My first question would be: did he ask to sleep in your bed?

And I guess you'll get a range of answers for this question.

In my opinion, I'd do anything to have him become as self-reliant and independent from you as humanly possible. He is at an age where kids are learning to detach and find their own way in the world and as you say, as a parent you want to facilitate that (and I am tempted to say that this is just another way the separation anxiety shows up).

So, for me, I'd only co-sleep with older kids in extreme situations / emergencies.

What I would do however is reassuring that he is safe 'away from you', so can you lie down with him when he first falls asleep (in his bedroom) or sit by his bed for a while to let him drop off. If he wakes at night, repeat.

This is hard to read because we have been where you are. My DS(12) is still out of school due to extreme anxiety. He went to a very dark place but is much better now - although we are at the start of our next challenge - getting him to a new, smaller school. The best advice i can give is if you can afford it make an appointment with a private psychiatrist. This will save you months of waiting and possibly inadequate care. (The system is broken not the wonderful Drs within it). S/he can screen for ASD/ADHD etc. For us there is no ASD diagnosis (although many 'traits') but from my reading this seems to be the most common outcome of kids with anxiety. They tend to mask and something triggers it. Do not give up hope. Do whatever you can to look after yourself. Let him sleep with you if it means you all get some rest.
Take a look at the book Never Let Go By Suzanne Alderson and the above poster who recommended Not Fine in School facebook group is spot on. There are thousands of lovely kids feeling like this. You are not alone. You will come through this but it can take some time. Feel free to PM me. Wishing you much love. It is the hardest thing we have gone through as a family.

I'm not surprised you are broken. Just reading your post takes me back to that feeling of dread that would often overwhelm me when my DD started to get upset in the evening, knowing it would take ages to get her settled in bed and then it would start again the moment her eyes snapped open. Sometimes the only way I could cope was having a big glass of wine and a good cry when she was finally asleep! Do whatever you need to do to cope.

45 mins is quite a long bus ride for the anxiety to build. Does your DS have a phone and ear buds so he can listen to music or watch something to take his mind off it? Brown noise also helps my DD's anxious thoughts switch off. But you're doing the right thing in just getting him there and then letting the school take over, rather than letting him stay at home. That really is the worse thing you can do, because once you've done it once, it's so hard to walk back from. I promise you WILL look back on this in the not too distant future and realise what a herculean effort it was, but you did it. Wishing you all the best. x

Sorry, meant to add, it was really bad September to December, still iffy in Jan and Feb, but by the spring she turned the corner.

I could've written your post two years ago, OP – we went through exactly the same when our DD started secondary, due to pandemic-induced separation anxiety. I was also that parent having to push a sobbing child through the gate every morning and I remember how awful and stressful it was for me, so it must be for you, because it's secondary and parents don't usually do the school run! So well done for getting him there every day and getting him into class – I know it's taking every ounce of calmness you possess to get him there and it takes its toll.

Fast forward two years and we are through the other side. What worked for us was the amazing support of the school. They allowed her to be upset, didn't let the other kids judge her for it, and had buckets of patience when she'd melt down in class. So do lean on the pastoral care team as much as you can. This book really helped too – it's based on CBT techniques and has been brilliant in helping her understand what's causing her anxiety and how to deal with it. Like your DS, my DD had a panic attack one day and kept saying what's wrong with me and it broke my heart. But with time, and doing the CBT work, and the support of the school, gradually it got better. Now, she leaves in the morning to school with a friend without a backward glance. It's like having a different child!

Just look after yourself in all this. I was so drained by it and would often break down myself, part in despair and part in frustration. What you're dealing with is so, so hard.

This weekend's Australian Guardian has covered anxiety and school refusal, so much of it rang true for me I thought I'd share: www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2022/sep/26/families-can-fall-apart-over-this-stuff-the-children-refusing-to-go-to-school?utm_term=633123c4f7bbd92f7c381bebdb9c8ba2&utm_campaign=GuardianTodayUK&utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&CMP=GTUK_email

I'm going through this with my 11 year old son OP and just want to say I feel your pain. Hope things improve for you.

I’m not too sure that in the long term getting someone else to do drop offs etc is a help- that’s just asking the child to bottle up their feelings for a longer time. I also would be less inclined to assume emotional transfer (or whatever we should call the theory of your acting-out child absorbing your anxiety about separation) and be more inclined to investigate additional needs as the priority in your situation OP given that these things can take a long time to work through the overloaded referral system. You could talk to your GP about your concerns and the anxiety issues and take it from there.

My friend's child had similar issues and he has moved to a central London school where he attends part time in person and the rest online
This might be worth exploring as an option

This sounds like a very extreme situation, and, honestly, I wouldn't just try to brazen through. Based on the fact he's in a London private, I'm going to make the assumption you can afford some private counselling and in your shoes I wouldn't waste any time in finding someone to see him. I'm not saying it's the school, but if starting there coincided with a huge ramping up of the anxiety, I wouldn't dismiss moving him.

My worry would be that while school counsellors can be excellent, their aim with almost always be to keep the child in the school once in. An outside psychologist might or might not have a different perspective. Is he saying he thinks he would feel better elsewhere or that he wants to go back to his old school? Or does he feel all schools would feel this way?

While I have a child who has dealt with anxiety, I haven't been in this situation, but know several people who have. One took a year off, one went back to their previous school, one moved schools, but all have been fine in the end.

I don't have personal experience, but I've heard King Alfred is a very gentle environment. I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. It's awful to see your child so distressed.

Send you a pm

OP wishing you well with getting to the bottom of this. Other posters have also suggested looking into any additional needs that your child might have and I’m sure the Senco at school would be able to advise you on how best to support your DS’ anxiety.

OP, you've gotten great advice on here already.

Just wanted to add that he might pick up on your anxieties around the school and the separation. Some of your replies sound as if your distress at the situation might be reinforcing his distress. If you feel that you need to protect him and want to take him home then he might pick up on this, just a thought.

Sending you lots of support, it is so hard. But I get the feeling that if you somehow find a way to relax about this and trust that it will all be well then he might feel a bit more reassured.

And on a practical level, could you have someone else take him to school, so you can kiss him good-bye at home? And it could help perhaps if you plan something nice together for the after school or evenings, so you both have something to look forward to?

Placemarking

Hi OP, be careful your DS doesn't end up traumatised.

He's clearly not coping at the moment, this happens to lots of children for many many reasons.

After a number of months of similar my son's mental health was so bad he could barely leave his bedroom and he attempted to take his own life.

I'm not trying to scare you but exposing a child to what is causing anxiety if not always the best approach. I would seek advise from your GP, speak to the SENCO and ask for a referral to CAMHS (huge waiting lists) or pay private if possible.

In the end our son was diagnosed with ASD, we had to remove school completely for his mental health. He has now gone back after 5 years out to 6th form having completed GSCSEs at home. I think if I left him in school he wouldn't be with us any more.

Obviously your son may be experiencing something entirely different, I just had no idea that my son had issues before he started with the school anxiety.

This is a useful resource - notfineinschool.co.uk/

My daughter also suffered anxiety after serious illness (the death) of a grandparent. When it started it was holiday time and anytime we had to go anywhere she would be sick.

Like a pp said I took the facing it head on approach and bought a job lot of sick bags. Once back at school she had support and they advised in their view this was best approach as if you avoid the situation they get the message that that's what makes them feel better.

She started secondary this month and I was really worried, she definitely has had anxiety but it seems as if she has now learnt to recognise it for what it is and know that it will pass.

I have DCs at one of the London co-Ed's- probably not the same one but there are not that many! It and all the others will have lots of support and I would also try and not move schools but work with the current one.
A friend went through something similar with her son at the start of Y7. He had always been absolutely fine with school but started having major panic attacks within a week of Y7 and was also really worried he'd always be like that. He was at an ( fairly alpha) All Boys school and they were brilliant. The other boys were also great and he never got teased etc. I'm sure it will get better even if it doesn't seem like it now.

I don’t have any experience of private schools but wanted to reassure you that things can and do improve. My now 17 year old DS was like this for a school year and then covid hit so he was off Scot free! It kicked off again a bit when he started college but he is now happy and thriving.

Everyone on this thread has made great suggestions and we found it was a case of trying different things and things improved slowly but surely.

Its horribly stressful and distressing for both of you so wanted to send hugs. You sound like you’re doing everything you can and I hope your DS will soon start feeling a bit better.