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Original poster

11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

236 replies

usernamebore · 20/09/2022 11:57

Hi

DS is 11 and just started secondary at a relatively kind and supportive London co-ed private. Unfortunately he has developed acute separation anxiety and every day for the last two weeks has been brutal. He has had multiple panic attacks in the morning, including in school. This morning he was screaming in fear, sobbing, begging me not to leave, begging me to get him help as he was so scared, hyperventilating etc. When I tried to leave he was so terrified he pushed past the teacher and was basically fighting to get to me and grabbing on to my work bag with white knuckles. He seems terrified of being alone in the school without us. It seems he had a propensity for this, but Covid and the recent death of his grandfather (they were very close) has pushed him over the edge. Pre-Covid he loved having playdates with friends from primary school, but when the restrictions lifted he just refused to have them. I wonder if being told to stay at home with us to keep safe from Covid just exacerbated this sense that he needs to be with us.

I have managed to get him in school every day for the last two weeks, and he has taken part in almost all of the lessons, but it is brutal for him and for us. The school are being helpful, and he has an appointment with the counsellor. We are also looking to try and get him seen by someone privately to help. I worry about the fact that all his peers have obviously seen some of this, and dont want him to start getting bullied or ostracized for being the weird crying kid. It is also hard not to think it is annoying for his teachers....

But part of me wonders if a big, competitive school like this is just not going to work for him. If it gets to that stage, does anyone have any suggestions for smaller london schools with really good SEN provision, or that might otherwise be better able to support him and us with this? Anyone had any experience with separation anxiety issues like this and have any advice, or know of a school which might be better for him? Dealing with getting him in every morning, and then going off and doing a full days work is just killing me and I worry a lot about his long term mental health.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamebore · 30/09/2022 11:31

Three ok mornings in with no tears, thankfully. Still having to have the handover in the nurses office and calling me at break and lunch, but no panic attacks or meltdowns. I expect we will have one again on Monday, but good to have a bit of respite. Sad thing is he told me he basically hides out at break and lunch in the nurses office or head of year office and is too scared/intimidated to interact with any of his peers. I have to focus on the good point being he is in school, but I wish we could find a way for him to make friends as I know that would help massively. Problem is if you suggest someone coming over or meeting some classmates somewhere he freaks out. Poor thing.

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OldWivesTale · 30/09/2022 00:13

usernamebore · 29/09/2022 13:15

Thanks. Fingers crossed the rest of the day and tomorrow go ok. Of course now I am getting anxious about the fact that they have tests starting next week and revision for that is supposed to be going on every night, but the poor guy is only just making it through the day as it is. Failing or getting bad marks on all these tests will only make things worse. I wish these schools did not push the kids so hard from day one….

Maybe he needs to be in a less pushy school. Nothing is more important than his mental health.

hockeygrass · 29/09/2022 14:34

OP, I really feel for your situation but re the 1/2 term tests it's important to remember that your ds is in a selective school and passed a test to be there. Hence he will do fine in the tests even without any prep, there isn't a bad mark or fail anyway, instead if his mark was low they may ask him to resit after 1/2 term and you would have the break at home to prepare. Keep the dialogue open with his class teacher as much as possible.

BluOcty · 29/09/2022 13:47

Is your son getting a good amount of exercise Username? It's so helpful to dishcarge anxiety and also really helps with sleep. Walking or cycling together can also open a relaxed place for talking. Have you got any pets? Attachments with animals can be helpful too.

Original poster
usernamebore · 29/09/2022 13:15

Thanks. Fingers crossed the rest of the day and tomorrow go ok. Of course now I am getting anxious about the fact that they have tests starting next week and revision for that is supposed to be going on every night, but the poor guy is only just making it through the day as it is. Failing or getting bad marks on all these tests will only make things worse. I wish these schools did not push the kids so hard from day one….

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Choconut · 29/09/2022 11:59

I think I'd have him in your bed for now - or in your room in his bed if you can move it in. Without sleep things will just be and feel 100 times worse for him. He's not going to want to stay in your bed forever so I'd allow that one while continuing to take him to school. This just sounds so awful for him, well done for being so proactive. £350 for one session sounds hugely expensive, I hope they're more than just a therapist at that price.

Newuser82 · 29/09/2022 11:57

Ah that sounds hopeful then. Sounds like a hell of a lot for him to deal with bless him. I'm sure you will get there. One Fay you will look back and see just how far he has come.

Original poster
usernamebore · 29/09/2022 11:40

Thanks again everyone. Call this morning went well, and we are going to proceed with the therapist on a weekly basis (all our savings are going to go down the drain though at £350 a session!). This morning dropoff was ok - no tears at all until the moment I left him in the nurses office, but when he called at break time he was in good spirits, which is great. Therapist thinks the death of his grandfather (after a protracted and frankly awful illness and decline which he witnessed on an almost daily basis as we live 5min from them) , plus the house move this summer, plus covid and plus the new school on top of an already anxious temperament has just created something of a "perfect storm" which we will just need to take some time to work through. Keeping the supports we have in place is key (otherwise she said we would be kicking the chair out from under him) and only removing them slowly at a pace which works for him. So am feeling a bit more hopeful today, though still a very long way to go and I know tonight and tomorrow morning may well be bad again.

@Youaremysunshine14 we have tried re friends, but he gets super anxious at the idea of inviting someone over, so we are not pushing yet. We totally agree that trying to find a way to build friendships outside of school is key, but we are not there yet unfortunately.

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Youaremysunshine14 · 29/09/2022 07:18

I hope the call goes well this morning, OP. I would absolutely let him sleep in your bed if that's what it takes to help him relax and get some sleep, because being exhausted only exacerbates the anxiety. I also agree that not moving schools doesn't sound like the right option at this stage – with our DD, we never entertained that because we knew the core issue was making her feel safe away from us. It wasn't just about school. She didn't want to go to friends' houses or even to stay overnight with her grandparents, which is what you said your son is doing in your first post. Have you consider asking him if he wants a friend to come to yours for tea or to go to the cinema or something? Breaking the routine of her coming home and getting upset about going to school the next day really helped our DD.

I feel for you all so much. Getting through this was the hardest thing I've ever had to do as a parent. But we did, and I know you will too. x

Newuser82 · 29/09/2022 07:18

May be worth mentioning that my son is also possibly autistic although we don't have a diagnosis as he has sensory processing disorder and dyspraxia so a lot of the symptoms overlap. We are keeping an eye on him but at the moment he isn't just managing, he is thriving. Hopefully your son will be the same in a very short time.

Lougle · 29/09/2022 06:51

DD2 has ASD. She's always struggled in school but she hit a wall art the beginning of year 10. She got to Christmas, then couldn't go in on the first day back. She gradually reduced her time in school, with the anxiety spiralling. Eventually school told me to stop trying to get her in because it was damaging her.

We applied for an EHCP and the LA eventually placed her in a very small independent specialist school. She's in a class of 3, with 35 total in school. She's only been there 3 weeks, but she's coping with the gradual increase of her timetable and actually looks forward to going.

Original poster
usernamebore · 29/09/2022 06:50

Thanks for your messages everyone. Yesterday was better - still tough but no meltdowns. Poor thing is fighting a nasty cold right now which doesn’t help. We don’t think shifting schools is the right approach yet - his school has amazing pastoral care and have been really proactive and helpful. It is not so much the school itself, rather the separation anxiety being away from us and the socialising and lessons etc, which will be the same anywhere. We have a call with a private therapist this morning and are trying to get sessions set up asap. Generally speaking it does seem to be slowly improving a little bit, but it is really hard.

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OldWivesTale · 29/09/2022 06:16

Also as PP suggested, he is likely to be autistic. Neurotypical children don't have such extreme reactions to school. My dd has no diagnosis and I was quite insulted when a friend suggested she might be autistic- she's super bright, empathetic, kind, funny, makes eye contact etc - but her level of anxiety about school was not normal; meltdowns and panic attacks, especially in relation to school, are in themselves pointers to ASD. The penny only really dropped for me after watching a programme about children suffering with mental health problems and one girl had a meltdown about school and was later diagnosed with autism. As a teacher, I see it everywhere and it's normally undiagnosed.

Newuser82 · 29/09/2022 06:05

I'm sorry to read about the difficulties you are having. It's so hard. We have been there with our son and I know how awful it makes you feel, and how hard it is for them. I would echo what others have said about private counselling. We got cbt for our son, he did also end up moving schools but in his case he had never been happy at school. He honestly is a different child now and I wouldn't even describe him as anxious. Do a bit of research around therapists in your area and see what you can come up with. Our son had counselling at school but that made no difference whatsoever. It was the cbt that changed his way of thinking. I'd recommend the book helping your child with fears and worries. It shows you how to do step by step programs to help your child and teaches you how to talk to them so as not to reinforce their fear. Loads of luck, I really hope you manage to get the right help.

Ilovechoc12 · 29/09/2022 05:32

Canbury in Kingston Is on my rador too (I’ve got a diagnosed child with anxiety and asd) and lots of mummies I know speak very highly of that school ….

There is another one but I just can’t remember I will post when it comes back to me - brain fog 🤪

Sorry but that’s co -Ed school is too much I’d be pulling him out it seems quite extreme upset your son has

also, day boarding schools sometimes have smaller number of children.

Please don’t force him into school - the school needs to be a happy place and currently it’s not meeting the needs of your child. Which is fine … maybe another school will suit him better.

OldWivesTale · 29/09/2022 05:25

As someone on the other side of this now, I can feel your pain. My advice is to get him out of that school and into a more nurturing one. It won't get better. There are schools out there, although I'm not sure about where in London specifically. We took our dd to a private psychiatrist in London and she told us to move her to another "alternative" type of school. We did eventually, after years of trying to make it work, and then we wished we'd done it straight away. Things got better overnight. We have that psychiatrist to thank because it makes it easier to make the change when you have the advice of a professional.

Ilovechoc12 · 29/09/2022 05:14

OP - do you think there is any chance your son is ASD? Even a tiny amount. That can cause huge anxiety around school ….. So you think he’s masking to fit in with school? Is he generally happy at the w/e and happy to go places?

Im only asking as cbt isn’t recommended for ASD children

Don’t force your child to go into school it will only traumatise them.

School need to provide more support ….. does he struggle with the volume of children / smells in the dining room ….. does he have any friends can you ask for a place where he can go when it’s just too much at school. can school buddy him up with someone.

was this an issue in his previous school? Or is it just a settling / new school issue?

Don’t wait for cahms / GP - you are going to have to spend cash on this even private people have long waiting times. Cahms you are talking years.

You might want to get on a Psychiatrist waiting list those are the people that can provide anxiety meds if you need them as a last resort as that will be a 6 month wait too….

XelaM · 28/09/2022 22:15

If you are in London might the hybrid model of school (Portland Place) that posters mentioned on another thread on here be an option for your son?

Shitfather · 28/09/2022 21:54

I’m sor sorry your boy is going through this. I have a child the same age and it’s heartbreaking to read what your DS is going through. You sound like a wonderfully supportive and patient parent. I hope you find a therapist very quickly.

beechie12 · 28/09/2022 20:56

How did he get on today username?

Original poster
usernamebore · 27/09/2022 20:14

we are letting him sleep with us tonight just to get some rest…he passed out and is sleeping deeply. Nice also to have a loving, happy few hours in the evening for a change….I know tomorrow will be hard again, but at least we have this little glimmer of light

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KaliforniaDreamz · 27/09/2022 19:43

We used melatonin too. Psychiatrist can prescribe, most GPs won't.
It is not a quick fix so don't force him in if it is making him more unwell. He will get his education eventually, his health is the focus now. x

tpmumtobe · 27/09/2022 18:35

If letting him sleep with you is what gets him rested at this stage, I'd say go for it. Deal with the acute issue and handle the fall out when he's on a more even keel.

When my DS first started having panic attacks and school refusing he wasn't sleeping at all. I was having to lie down with him every night to get him to sleep (in his bed) and even then it was a restless sleep, he was permanently exhausted.

Our GP prescribed him a short term course of melatonin. We were lucky that he was a mental health lead and was able to prescribe on a short term basis on mental health grounds, not all can. It meant we were able to wean him off the co-sleeping and also gave him a better quality of sleep overnight.

Then as part of his follow up treatment from CAMHS the psych put him on a long term melatonin script as we were able to evidence what a massive difference it made. They are now investigating whether he has ADD, which often causes sleep problems. He's never needed more than the minimum dose and the difference it has made to our lives has been phenomenal.

If your GP can't help then a private psych might prescribe? It honestly saved our son.

vanHalen · 27/09/2022 16:14

wishing you all that he gets better soon, a bad cold is the last thing you need now... a solution could be to let him sleep on a makeshift bed on the floor next to your side of the bed? (we've had years of our kids wanting to sleep in our bed for various reasons, and this one always felt like a good compromise, next to mummy, but not too cosy!)

Hopefully you get some time to relax and recover from this draining period too

Original poster
usernamebore · 27/09/2022 16:06

@KaliforniaDreamz many thanks for your kind words, and i am sorry you have been, and are, going through such a difficult time. The hardest thing is not knowing what is the right thing to do. Are we making things worse for his mental health by forcing him in to school every day? But the alternative is to let him stay home and, once you have opened that door, there is no going back. But he is so sad and so broken and it is just awful to see. To we keep firm and keep making him go until eventually it gets better, or is that just going to be months and months of hell for him and us that end up breaking him forever?

We are urgently trying to get private therapist help - but it is so hard to find decent ones with any availability! There are hundreds of them in London, but all the good ones seem to be booked out.

@vanhalen many thanks to you too - he does ask (begs) to sleep in our bed. He is sick now too, but just with a bad cold, and we are so scared of letting him have a day off school that we are making him go anyway. But the combination of that, his anxiety and his exhaustion and lack of sleep makes me feel like giving in and letting him sleep in our bed tonight. But then the other half of me worries that is just going to make things worse. It is so hard to know.

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