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Original poster

11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

236 replies

usernamebore · 20/09/2022 11:57

Hi

DS is 11 and just started secondary at a relatively kind and supportive London co-ed private. Unfortunately he has developed acute separation anxiety and every day for the last two weeks has been brutal. He has had multiple panic attacks in the morning, including in school. This morning he was screaming in fear, sobbing, begging me not to leave, begging me to get him help as he was so scared, hyperventilating etc. When I tried to leave he was so terrified he pushed past the teacher and was basically fighting to get to me and grabbing on to my work bag with white knuckles. He seems terrified of being alone in the school without us. It seems he had a propensity for this, but Covid and the recent death of his grandfather (they were very close) has pushed him over the edge. Pre-Covid he loved having playdates with friends from primary school, but when the restrictions lifted he just refused to have them. I wonder if being told to stay at home with us to keep safe from Covid just exacerbated this sense that he needs to be with us.

I have managed to get him in school every day for the last two weeks, and he has taken part in almost all of the lessons, but it is brutal for him and for us. The school are being helpful, and he has an appointment with the counsellor. We are also looking to try and get him seen by someone privately to help. I worry about the fact that all his peers have obviously seen some of this, and dont want him to start getting bullied or ostracized for being the weird crying kid. It is also hard not to think it is annoying for his teachers....

But part of me wonders if a big, competitive school like this is just not going to work for him. If it gets to that stage, does anyone have any suggestions for smaller london schools with really good SEN provision, or that might otherwise be better able to support him and us with this? Anyone had any experience with separation anxiety issues like this and have any advice, or know of a school which might be better for him? Dealing with getting him in every morning, and then going off and doing a full days work is just killing me and I worry a lot about his long term mental health.

OP posts:
lifeturnsonadime · 10/10/2022 15:08

You need to pull him out OP.

He is almost certainly autistic given what you've posted in your post about sensory issues. School is traumatising him. He is a good boy and he wants to do well but he can't cope in that environment.

I've been there. It's hard. But pulling him out could be the best thing you do for him. My son was out 5 years after a similar situation to yours but still did fantastically in GCSEs and has learned to manage many of his sensory issues and now is doing really well in our local 6th form which is academically selective.

I know you are saying professionals advise you to stick with school. I was advised the same. This is because school is the norm and as a society we put a lot of emphasis on children being compliant and treat refusal as a behavioural issue. There is also talk of building resilience in this context but making a child face the harm of an unsuitable environment on a daily basis damages them and does the opposite of making them resilient.

Ultimately as parents we are responsible for our children's safety and my child wasn't safe in school because it was harming his mental health. It takes a bit of a leap of faith.

bonnestar · 10/10/2022 14:59

Just seen your update. That's all very positive, it does sound like his little head is an anxious whirlwind.

I would stick with the current plan, make him feel as safe as you can at home. Does he have any pets? Can you plan something like a garden project or anything that can distract him? Depending on his interests obviously, something like that that he can engage with will be a good idea right now.

bonnestar · 10/10/2022 14:56

Poor boy, I went through very similar myself as a child. I was slightly older than him. My advice is simple, he's suffering, he's trying to be strong and keep going because that's what he thinks he should do. If he was an adult experiencing this level of discomfort in a job would he still be encouraged to go in day after day?

In my experience I left school (early by a few years) and eventually learnt at home. What he's doing at the moment is aversion therapy, he's facing his fears every day. I really hope the CBT can help him. Give him all the comfort you can, almost like he's a small child again, that's what he needs, to feel safe and protected.

Only as an adult have I been able to rationalise how I felt as a teen and understand that in that moment he will feel TERRIFIED. Is school really worth it? Yes in the long run he needs an education but right now his need to feel safe is far greater.

It's a really hard situation for all of you but he WILL get through the other side, that may not be in the same school but he (and you all ) will be ok. Feel free to pm me. Good luck!

Original poster
usernamebore · 10/10/2022 14:54

@crumpetswithjam Many thanks for your detailed response, and for how much you care. It really is much appreciated. I think the reason I disagree is that we have had many days where he has been fine - even happy - in school this term. He usually really enjoys his lessons and is doing really well in them. Last week he had a whole week of being fine in the morning and, when I spoke to him at break and lunch, he was laughing and in good spirits. We are having a blip right now because he is (a) sick with a nasty cold (and very tired) and (b) anxious about his tests because he does not understand that they are just progress tests and the teachers will not be mad at him if he does not do well. We have started with a private child psychologist and are working with him on CBT at home. He has been improving, but we are having a setback. I dont think moving schools would help as the issue is not this school but school in general and being away from us, as well as all the normal pressures that go along with school. He also has social anxiety and struggles with the other kids, which will be the same wherever we go.

The school itself have been amazing - really helpful and supportive - I cant imagine any school doing more really - and I just had his head of year on the phone with me and him at lunch time where she was talking him through why he did not need to worry about his tests etc and was going to help take him to his next lesson.

Re Autism - I have thought about it. He is extremely empathetic though (too much in many ways - he gets upset about other kids getting in trouble etc) and very good at expressing and communicating his emotions, but he has all sorts of slightly OCD behaviors (he has to arrange his stuffed animals in bed in a certain order at night, likes all his books lined up straight), is much happier talking to adults than other kids, likes a routine, and has always gotten very obsessively interested in one thing at a time. I think there may be a sensory issue as he gets overwhelmed by all the noise and bustle at school and has things like needing the tags to be removed from his clothes, or getting overly bothered by sock seams. Add that to the anxiety (social and separation), the effect of the pandemic, the death of his grandfather, the house move, and you get something of a perfect storm.

Everything we are seeing from the professionals at the moment tells us to keep sending him in, but my plan is to see where we are in december and revisit then. If we keep supporting him at home, and keep these things in place in school, it will hopefully help get him to a point he is not so scared.

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 10/10/2022 14:53

I've just RTfT but don't have personal experience of this - DS is 10 and still in primary.

It does feel as if it may be time to change strategy - it's been a while now and he does appear to be reading a bit of a crisis where he's not in a physical or mental condition to deal with such huge emotional challenges.

ThisShipIsSinking · 10/10/2022 14:51

l had this with my son age 13, l forced him in thinking l was doing the right thing, plus l felt under under so much pressure from the school, it was the most damaging thing l could have done and as a family almost destroyed us. He had a suicide plan, that's how hopeless he felt. Please be very wary of trying to please everyone else like l was, whilst over looking the toll its taking on your son. Something is clearly not working, taking time out of school will not be as catastrophic as people lead you to believe. My son is thriving now after a year of finding his feet, deschooling etc. Yes forcing them in each day will work for some but for others its just a ticking time bomb.
There are many alternative routes to getting an education, just because he is not suited to main stream school does not mean he won't be able to flourish in other situations.

crumpetswithjam · 10/10/2022 14:30

lifeturnsonadime · 20/09/2022 15:42

Hi OP, be careful your DS doesn't end up traumatised.

He's clearly not coping at the moment, this happens to lots of children for many many reasons.

After a number of months of similar my son's mental health was so bad he could barely leave his bedroom and he attempted to take his own life.

I'm not trying to scare you but exposing a child to what is causing anxiety if not always the best approach. I would seek advise from your GP, speak to the SENCO and ask for a referral to CAMHS (huge waiting lists) or pay private if possible.

In the end our son was diagnosed with ASD, we had to remove school completely for his mental health. He has now gone back after 5 years out to 6th form having completed GSCSEs at home. I think if I left him in school he wouldn't be with us any more.

Obviously your son may be experiencing something entirely different, I just had no idea that my son had issues before he started with the school anxiety.

This is a useful resource - notfineinschool.co.uk/

This is the most sensible answer I've read on here. What a shame it was ignored.

NoYouSirName · 10/10/2022 14:29

I recommend the Sunshine Support webinar about Emotionally Based School Avoidance. And also echo what the poster above says about not pushing him to go in. My dd is exactly the same.

TinaYouFatLard · 10/10/2022 14:28

Op you’ve had lots of good advice here. If you are considering other schools take a look at St Chris in Letchworth. It’s in Herts but lots of kids bus in from North London. It’s a wonderful school for kids who don’t need a specialist provision, but who just aren’t suited to a traditional private school.

crumpetswithjam · 10/10/2022 14:27

(Fwiw, OP, and others will roll their eyes I'm sure, every behaviour you've written about here screams autism to me. Clever autistic children tend to manage ok in primary, but the shit usually hits the fan in secondary, as there's too much expected of them socially, emotionally, academically. Even organising their own work, timetables etc is a big thing. Anyway, you can roll your eyes too but I would consider it)

crumpetswithjam · 10/10/2022 14:24

All the people telling you to hang in there. Don't. This is well over a month now. Your child has been in fight or flight all day for over a month. Pull him out now. Today. For his mental health.

In education we always think about Maslow's hierarchy of need. I'll attach a pic. Your child is down in the red/orange zone every day because he doesn't feel safe. That means he can't learn. Can't make friends. Can't achieve.

A typical child would have passed initial reluctance to attend by now. Your child is atypical and you need to find out why. They could have a mental illness, like your partner. They could be neurodiverse (also, possibly like your partner). They could need a smaller setting with fewer students/teachers/classrooms. They could need a setting that specialises in or works with children with behavioural, emotional and social difficulties.

But this isn't the right place for him and never will be. It's traumatising him.

Once you've done that you can start to think about the whys - all behaviour is communication, he is telling you something. You can enlist help to figure it out. A child psychiatrist. An educational psychiatrist. A play therapist.

But don't keep re-traumatising him every day because then you risk him never being able to go to ANY setting, no matter how appropriate.

11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?
XelaM · 10/10/2022 14:18

OP it sounds so extreme😞 that maybe it's not worth forcing him? A bit of rest at home might let him recharge a bit? Or have you looked at online schools or that Portland hybrid school? Maybe it would suit your son better?

Original poster
usernamebore · 10/10/2022 14:14

God. I just had him on the phone in tears, saying he is so tired, so sick and so scared. I just dont know what to do. He did the first part of the German test then left to go to the nurses office, so missed the listening test. And he is terrified about a history essay he has to write later this week, which apparently makes up 80% of his progress report, but if he misses tomorrow he misses the lesson where the teacher explains what they need to do in the essay, which will just make everything worse.
This is just so hard. I dont know what to do. All I want is to let him rest at home but I am terrified that is just going to make his anxiety and school refusal worse. And falling behind in lessons will just make things even more difficult as well. My wife and I were both in tears and just feel completely lost.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamebore · 10/10/2022 11:38

@tpmumtobe Thanks for your kind message - which really helps. It sounds like we have had very similar experiences.
I have to do the drop off as my wife just cant cope with it. She has always had an almost visceral response to him being upset, and has mental health struggles herself which make things much harder. I feel like, as difficult as it is for me, I can do it and at least that takes some of the pressure off her.
His anger was (probably understandably) because we would likely have let him have the day off primary school if he had a bad cold/cough and was feeling as rubbish as he was, so he didnt understand why things were different now. I explained why things are a bit different at secondary and why, unless you have fever or vomiting etc, you have to go in, but he was mad as hell with me for making him. If he did not have the anxiety/school refusal issues I may well have let him stay at home for a day, but I feel like I cant because we will just end up in a worse situation tomorrow. It is so hard.
I spoke to him on the phone just now (it is break time) and it turns out they did not have the french test as it was a cover lesson, so now he is fixating on the German test and getting himself super anxious about it. All I can do is encourage him and tell him to take it one step at a time. Hopefully he does well enough to pass so that we can keep moving forward. If we can just get to half term he can at least get some rest (though next half term is going to be hard - the homework doubles to an hour a night for a start!). We are going to let him sleep in our bed this week too, just to help with the sickness etc. But the poor thing is exhausted, sick and overwhelmed.

OP posts:
tpmumtobe · 10/10/2022 11:05

The lack of panic is definitely progress. We had similar - after my DS's initial full on panic attacks, once we settled into our new drop off routine on the bad days he often said he was angry. He still does! Everyone assumed he was scared but he wasn't, he was really bloody cross a lot of the time. Not just with me, but with himself for not being able to handle the anxiety and with the whole idea of having to go in when he didn't want to. Especially when there was some form of test involved.
My son is also a perfectionist (which often goes hand in hand with anxiety), and has similar stresses about assessments. School let him do them in a separate room which helps a bit.
I spent so many mornings biting through my lip to stop myself crying in front of him until he was in and then sobbing all the way home. It is so emotionally exhausting as a parent. Could your partner do some of the drop offs at all? Mine did try, though we decided I was better at dealing with it in the end, it did give me a break from time to time.

Original poster
usernamebore · 10/10/2022 09:35

Hard days after some better days always feel worse. This morning was rough - he is fighting a nasty cold and cough, which did not help, but the anxiety is making him accentuate it and retch etc and I know we cant give in and let him have the day off. He has two tests today too, which he is really worried about, and that is just making everything worse. The journey in to school this morning (in the rain, with delayed buses, of course!) was very hard. Lots of tears, and interestingly (for the first time really) anger with me for making him go in. But no full blown panic/screaming which I can maybe see as progress (?) He seems to put so much pressure on himself about these tests - he is terrified of not doing well and having to re-do it/the teacher be angry with him etc. I don't know how to help him get past that and realise he just has to do his best and, even if he does have to re-do a test, that is not a big deal. But this morning all I wanted to do was give in, take the day off work myself, and crawl back into bed with him and hide from the day...But I know that will just make everything worse as we will have the same problem tomorrow morning, but now with the added issue of "we took yesterday off because I was sick, and today I feel even worse, so why do I have to go in?" . It is so hard. I cried for a good 5min after dropping him off this morning, and now have a brutal and stressful day of work to get through...

OP posts:
vanHalen · 05/10/2022 22:49

so glad to read the update. hang in there

beechie12 · 05/10/2022 20:39

We are having ups and downs. And a bad day today after a few days of not so bad. School not that supportive. A CRA helped him in a few times but they said that had to stop as she had another job to do, but no other alternatives given. Feel like we've been left on our own a bit unfort. It's hard.

tpmumtobe · 05/10/2022 19:40

This is excellent news, so pleased things are going a bit better for you both. In our experience when the school are supportive it makes a huge difference and it really is about small steps - slow and steady wins the race. My DS still pops in to see his SEN leader on the mornings he feels a bit wobbly, she's always happy to see him and help him relax.
I'm sure your DS will continue to improve but just a heads up that if he does have a hiccup further down the line, please don't panic! First time my DS had a 'relapse' after the initial panic attacks I thought we were doomed all over again but he bounced back quite quickly and continues to do so with increased resiliance, and I'm sure your DS will too xx

Original poster
usernamebore · 05/10/2022 18:08

Just by way of update for those following things - we do seem to be making progress. We have had 5 mornings in a row without meltdowns, and the level of fear does seem to have fallen. The school have been incredible - really hands on and supportive and I had a lovely call from his head of year last night to tell me how wonderful a kid he was and that she was really proud of him. We have a private therapist booked every Friday afternoon (which means he misses rugby so is happy about that!) and have been working on CBT/ACT approaches with him at home. He still calls twice a day and I have to bring him in to the nurse at the start of the day, but he is now going in in a relatively positive mood, which makes a massive difference. Still a long way to go, but we do seem to be getting there slowly.

OP posts:
Ivyy · 02/10/2022 02:03

Op I really sympathise, my dd is the same age and recently started secondary school. She had a terrible time during lockdown with anxiety, insomnia, panic, feeling depressed and meltdowns / behaviour issues. We already knew she was naturally very anxious but had also suspected ASD for years. She's very good at masking at school and that's what stalled us getting a diagnosis, but eventually she was diagnosed with asd as well as anxiety. It was such a horrible time and so heartbreaking to witness your child in such distress, but over a period of time things did improve and we've all learned valuable coping skills. It's ongoing and I'm always managing her anxiety but it has gradually improved and she also has meltdowns a lot less than she used to.

When she started school again after the first lockdown she was put in a class with no other friends, it was a very big primary with 4 classes in a year group and she's never been a girly girl into things a lot of her peers are into so that didn't help with her gelling easily with other girls based on shared interests. I had to be very proactive about helping her make friends and having friends is key to her wanting to be at school. School Facebook groups and social media was very helpful for getting in touch with other mums about meeting up as at that point she didn't have a phone. I also had to pretty much coach her on conversation starters and skills to help make new friends. I remember her asking if I could invite one girl round to play in year 5 and I had no idea who her parents were, so I ended up sending a note in with dd for her friend to give her mum with my number on and an invitation for a play date! You can't really do that at secondary age but does your ds have a phone? Since she started secondary school having a phone has really helped dd start contact with potential friends outside of school as well as seeing them at school. They seem to love sharing memes and funny pics, and exchanging roblox and Minecraft usernames so they can then game together. Are there any games your ds is into? Hobbies and interests? They do seem to have a very online portion of life these days and seems part of their identities and culture which was alien to me! Obviously there's the need to safeguard with the digital world.

I'd pm you op but don't think I can anymore without membership? There's a very good Facebook group for parents supporting children with anxiety and a course parents can do to learn ways to support their child with anxiety, I can't remember the name off the top of my head but will look it up tomorrow. Sending hugs op please know you and your ds are not alone Flowers

Original poster
usernamebore · 01/10/2022 10:14

Thanks both - good suggestions. Poor thing is jittery today (he woke up before 6am as usual - no matter what time he goes to bed he always wakes up super early and has done since he was little. Now I think it may be anxiety related….) and clearly feeling down which breaks my heart. Going to try and find something fun to do to cheer him up…

OP posts:
tpmumtobe · 01/10/2022 09:22

Second what @vanHalen said about engineering a meet up at this age, I did a few park hangouts with other new Yr7 parents in the first term which meant he could hang out with some potential friends with me around as a safety net (school have a list of new parents so I stalked them on there). Only 121 nothing overwhelming.
DS' school also have a programme where they try and match-make likeminded kids with kids who are struggling, maybe your school does similar? Ours also provide a member of staff to accompany anxious kids to a lunchtime club they fancy trying (under the guise of them being there as general supervision) to build their confidence, would they do that? Failing that, what about the library? Ours have word/board game sessions every lunch where quieter kids can pop in and just watch or join in, the library staff are fab and it's obvs a very chilled environment for anxious kids.

Well done for this week though sounds like you've made some great progress, hope you can relax a bit this wkend.

downbythewoods · 30/09/2022 23:30

Mainstream school is not right for many children. Keeping unhappy kids at school isn't the answer. School is not a given. Just like adults, everyone is different and just like many adults who don't like certain types of working environments, kids don't always like mainstream school.
There is a whole world of alternatives out there. Home Ed, hybrid, alternative systems. In london you'll have more choice than anywhere, especially if you can afford school fees.
I say all this as a home Ed/ hybrid alternative school mum who used to have kids in prep school. Be open minded. Taking my unhappy kid out of a really lovely prep school to learn differently was the best thing we ever did. We've never looked back.
Good luck,

vanHalen · 30/09/2022 11:58

So glad to hear things have calmed somewhat. Please keep a positive attitude.

Getting your son involved with friends is a great idea. Have you asked the teachers about this? There must be another kid looking for company, and maybe they could pair them together a bit.

Also, your son is just about at an age where you could meet another school mum for a coffee somewhere outdoors and both bring the kids to hang out. It's a very informal playdate and maybe they get along?

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