11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

Just to add I am not saying this to diss private schools. I have 2 DC in superselective grammars and they are alpha types and thriving and have loads of friends in superselective privates through the high level orchestras they do (plus loads of my colleagues and friends have kids in all the top privates in London and also boarding etc further afield so we compare notes).
My most sensitive/anxious and actually brightest DC is in the non selective state sector and doing really well there because external pressure to perform just doesn’t work for him. He already puts too much pressure on himself. So being around too many alphas would just be utterly demoralising for him and we have found that he accepts himself and the other kids do accept much more difference too in a standard state school (in fact for some reason being a little bit “different” seems to be very celebrated in his school). Plus the teachers adore him there and top sets there are pretty good too anyway. So it is just an idea to not dismiss your local schools - walking to school etc/being close to home can really help the anxious child.

Are you sure private school is better for him than a local state school? Somewhere he can walk to and does not have the pressure to be on the X rugby/football team and in Y play and play X instruments all while doing hours of homework and achieving highly as well in numerous tests (and often also looking the part and all the social pressure in a co-ed, especially in London). Perhaps a local school he can walk to where he is easily among the clever ones there would actually be far less pressure for him? Maybe worth looking into it and seeing what the local options might be like. Investigating their SEN provisions and counsellors. Then you could spend the extra money on his counselling etc and just helping him relax. Not everybody has to be good at everything and achieve straight 9s in their GCSEs - the pressure in London private day schools to perform at all levels is very high, even if the school sells itself as nurturing etc.

Hi OP
It's heart breaking to read about your son's distress. I have 2 children on the spectrum Y8 & Y10, both of whose main presentation is anxiety and I recognise an awful lot if not all of what you've mentioned. Autism doesn't always mean lack of empathy - my son is & always has been incredibly empathetic. You son sounds just like mine whose official diagnosis is PDD NOS (atypical autism) that has now, unhelpfully in my opinion, been rolled into the general umbrella of autism. He probably wouldn't be diagnosed now.

Is the school you are at large and busy? A child that has sensory issues and likes routine would find such an environment pretty stressful so you could look into some of the smaller London schools. These are often seen to be less academic but a bright child will do well anywhere. Whereabouts are you based?

Radnor House (which is moving to & becoming Kneller Hall in September) is small & nurturing. It has 3 forms of 21 for the current Yr 7 though they do intend to grow the school from September from the new Y7 onwards. They have a school bus network covering 3 routes across SW London and every year have a few pupils that come out with a full flush of A*s & 7-9s if you are worried about meeting potential. Kids can choose 'invasion games' as a games option instead of football & rugby.

Kew House is similarly small and nurturing. They have interesting features like carpeted hallways which makes for a less noisy transition time between lessons, a vertical form group system with the same tutor assigned throughout school life and a 3 year GCSE programme. No bus network though.

Others have mentioned Portland Place which is a step more niche than the 2 above then even more niche is Burlington House School (previously The Moat)
in Fulham but I really don't think you need that. They are a special school that mooted a change of focus to supportive independent a few years ago but I don't think it happened.

It's worth going to see some of these schools who are all running open days at the moment - just in case one of them makes you instantly feel like it is perfect (as happened to us). Also so that if things don't improve you can move fairly quickly having done a little groundwork. It's two mornings off & sometimes they run Saturday open mornings.

Prepare yourself for a possible hard return to school after half term. We found the returns to school with my daughter just awful for all of year 7 with crying in the build up to the return and lots of ruminating at bedtime about the change of sport activity to gymnastics etc. She finally settled down by summer term and is very happy now in Y8 but it was a traumatic year. She has extreme social anxiety and is on the path to diagnosis (of the now defunct Asperger's type of autism). We found this book really helpful after coming across a copy in our local library. There's a newer edition out with the added chapter of social media but this link to the earlier edition has a plethora of great reviews. Given you are already stuck into some CBT & ACT support it might be a great resource to give to your son.

Good luck - it sounds like you are doing all the right things & I really hope things improve.

apologies for my random spelling of psychiatrist*

I wish you all the very best. The perfect storm you have described is a familiar one. Your child probably won't score highly enough to get a diagnosis of autism/adhd (my school refuser and anxiety sufferer didn't) but there are most definitely traits. My son's psychiatrist told me that our famiy are clearly neuro diverse and that none of that matters until it matters. Whether or not it is worth going down that assessment road is up to your family but a child pyschiatrist is in high demand these days. Covid has triggered anxiety and burn out in so many kids but really it was always there waiting in the wings because the system really doesn't suit all kids. You sound like you're amazing parents. If i were you i'd look around at alternatives and find therapists just in case. Good luck.

Based on your family history, I would really encourage you to add a child psychiatrist into the mix. I'm a stranger on the internet, and not medically trained, but I'm guessing you've got a complicated mix of burgeoning adolescence, some degree of neurodiversity, loss, lots of change, and genetic predispositions all coming together simultaneously. If I was in your shoes, I'd want someone to be assessing and adding input from that perspective.

And this is neither here nor there, but I think 11 is a pretty shit time to move boys (particularly ones who tend towards being very sensitive and conscientious). My first moved schools at 11 and had a crap time of it. My second, we kept at prep through Y8 and took our chances on a place opening up at 13 (lucked out), and the whole transition was so much easier. DD was fine, but she had a level of maturity at 11 that took longer with my DS's

Username you know your child best. Advice here is good but I know being a parent in this situation everyone has different opinions and it sounds like you're doing your best for your ds and weighing up different factors. it's exhausting. My ds has improved but the week when he had a cold was terrible.

What kind of mental health struggles does your wife have? Is the therapist exploring any links, genetic or otherwise, with your son's issues? I would think it might be hard to separate these two things.

I’d listen to Eliza fricker missing the mark podcasts and also she is on face book where she draws pictures of a school setting - she is absolutely amazing - it’s all about the school environment which is absolutely the key (it’s for pda children - but ASD and GAD has similar traits to pda as those children struggle in school ….Due to demands and high anxiety….. you might like her drawings….. )

Also, he might be “fine” for a small amount of time. But come holidays and also when the work gets harder / more demands he might explode again …. some kids aren’t suited to particular environments / high pressured schools especially when there are a LOT of different options …. Mental health is worth a million pounds than a good school / good grades. Sorry but I don’t think that particular school suits him but he could be so much happier in a more relaxed school.

@usernamebore I so hope you listen to those who have gone before you. DD2 struggled for years through school. She's now year 11 and finally is in the right setting. Unfortunately, the damage was done and now the Local Authority is having to pay for a very expensive school, where she's in a class of 3 children because she can't cope with bigger classes. I think if educational professionals had listened earlier, she could well have coped with class sizes of 12-18.

For DD2, we're in a race against time. We have to try and get her self-esteem restored, her confidence in her ability to learn, before she can learn.

DD2 sometimes had times when she laughed. She sometimes seemed 'ok'. Until she couldn't do it any more.

Now, we're in a fix about what the future holds because she wants to do a college course in the future but the class sizes are too big for her to cope with.

You have a chance here to deal with your DS's needs before they escalate.

Sorry that should have said 'to do'.

i agree.

I would actually really suggest you engage a good Occupational Therapist to so a sensory profiling report.

That will help you understand what he can or cannot cope with.

You need to work out what's going on with your child first.

No, they won't be convinced. I just feel very sad for this poor boy. He has people around that want to help him, but won't engage with what's actually going on. And they're not listening, not really.

Often happens like this with undiagnosed autistic children at this age. Could have been averted with earlier diagnosis. It's partly the system, part ignorance on the parents side. It's depressing. As an autistic person I am empathising very strongly with this child (despite what OP thinks about autism and empathy) and my heart is breaking for them. I think I've said all I can to implore this parent to do the right thing, but I will step away now.

@crumpetswithjam

You're not going to convince OP. You're right about empathy it was one of the key reasons I thought my DS couldn't be autistic. My daughter who is also autistic is too empathetic. She attributes feelings to inanimate objects!

OP I really hope it works out.

Speaking from personal experience you are trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. Fix the environment not the child. He deserves to thrive where he feels safe. A child who doesn't feel safe can't learn.

OP I am autistic, but I am also very experienced in working with children with autism. Autistic children are incredibly empathetic, to the point that it pains them. One of the biggest misconceptions about autistic people is that they lack empathy. Old models claims this. Alternatively, other models have shifted the focus away from cognitive empathy and propose that children with autism have overwhelming emotional empathy and thus find it difficult to interact with others; these models are “empathy imbalance” and “intense world” (Smith, 2009). Smith emphasises that people with autism may have stronger emotional empathy than typically developed matched samples.

You're not building resilience. You're creating a monster.

Are you not able to sign up for an online school? That would get rid of all his issues with going into school.

And @crumpetswithjam post at 14.24 was spot on.