11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

@Hamsterdamn many thanks - that is really encouraging to hear

@tpmumtobe thanks - I actually just created a laddering poster to go on our fridge with rewards for each step because I think it will help with his control/fear of the unknown to be able to visualise where we are headed. I have been cutting down the lengths of the calls for the last few weeks - they have gone from 15min of tears 4 weeks ago, to less than a minute of joking and laughter - so I am confident he does not NEED the call, but it is a comfort we are taking away. The thing is, the only way he can learn he is resilient and he can cope is to have to cope.
He has actually been doing ok today - clearly an increase in his anxiety, but still miles away from where we were. Will just keep my fingers crossed for Wed.

It is part of the work on his anxiety more generally - using the laddering technique to slowly increase the exposure etc. I think he can do it, but he has to deal with his mind telling him he can’t and the only way to do that is to do it. Part of me agrees with you though - particularly because I am sure in schools where kids are allowed mobile phones there are plenty of kids who text or call home during the day! But we have to trust in the professionals and give this a try. Taking their approach has really worked so far, so we are going to take this next step and keep supporting him through it. If it really doesn’t work then we can reassess after a week or so. But I am hopeful we will have a hard day or two and then he will realise he can do it and he will have taken another step forward.

As he has being doing well the last few weeks, both the therapsit and the school advised us to drop the break time call from Wednesday this week, so he only calls at lunch. I know he can do it, and I know it is important we start removing the safety behaviours, but we just told him and the poor thing is freaking out. It just shows how irrational anxiety is - he literally speaks to me for less than a minute at break and is generally laughing and telling me about his lessons. But his brain is telling him without that he can’t cope. I know we will get there but I am feeling super anxious and depressed at the thought of going back to having the tears and the anxiety and panic again, even if just for a short time while he adjusts. Seeing him sat on the couch feeling worried and sad just makes me want to cry.

@Ilovechoc12 I have been hesitant to post because I didnt want to jinx things, but we do seem to have potentially turned a bit of a corner. There was some anxiety over half term - not just about school, but wider anxieties and getting easily overwhelmed etc - but we have been working with him, and have had a couple of good sessions with the child psychologist, and this week has seen a dramatic difference. No tears at all, no freakouts and actually laughing and joking on the way in to school. Obviously this is all still on the basis of the support structures we have in place (I take him in to the nurse in the morning, he calls at break and lunch (though only for 3-4min) and he has notes from us to open for each lesson) but seeing as he was only just making it in with all of that, and getting very anxious every day, last half term, it does seem a big improvement. I know it has barely been a week yet, but I am allowing myself to hope a little that we are on the way up.

Small steps, and certainly not going to rush to remove the supports (though we will do eventually) but his confidence is growing with each successful day. He still has no friends, and hides away most of break and lunch, but hopefully now that the wider fears are reducing, he will have the mental space to be able to start interacting more with his peers and potentially making friends. He has actually mentioned that he thought of trying a club yesterday lunchtime, but was too scared, but the fact he even considered it is a massive improvement....

Thank you everyone and @beautifulyoungmind in particular. I share all this stuff because visibility on mental health issues is massively importance, as is honesty and openness. I know reading some things posted by others who have been through similar experiences really helps me, so I hope talking about what we are going through helps others too. We just had all call from CAMS saying he does not really meet threshold, and even if he did we would have months and months to wait for anything and ultimately they could not offer more than he is already getting, namely sessions with a therapist. Essentially he said if he is not self harming, suicidal, or fully refusing school, then they just don’t have the resources to do anything. I absolutely understand the need to prioritise their shamefully underfunded resources on kids who need it more, so don’t hold a grudge about that (save one against our politicians for decades of underfunding mental health support). All we can do is keep on keepin’ on and enjoy this half term break.

I think I have realised I am dealing with a kind of grief process about all this - grief at the loss of a kind of childhood we anticipated, at the loss of a “normal” life for us and for DS. That he is not going to suddenly switch to be like the rest of his peers who are self-sufficient and happy and able to cope. I think that is why I am feeling so exhausted and depressed about the whole thing. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that our lives are permanently changed by all this. That we need to find the strength to cope with all that is coming when we already feel on our knees with tiredness. Maybe I need to spend some time properly mourning and coming to terms with that. Learning to accept where we are instead of constantly being anxious and upset because we are not where society tells us we should be.
But being positive - he has made progress the last few weeks. He has not missed a single day all half term. He is now going into form time every morning and, aside from the blip on Monday arising from his awful cold, we have had no tears or freak outs at all in the morning for 2 weeks, and no full blown panic attacks for almost 4. He is laughing and joking when he speaks to me on the phone from school, which is very different from the teary, sad boy I spoke to for the first 3 weeks of term. Still a long way to go, but it does seem like we might get there eventually.

If you mean LU, no.

@beautifulyoungmind thank you for such a kind message - it really does mean a lot. Actually his maths teacher just asked him to join maths club but he does not feel ready yet. The problem is he calls me at lunchtime to touch base, and then hangs out with the receptionist who is his new buddy 😂he is fine with talking to the adults there, just his peers which is hard. Hopefully next half term we can get to a club or at least the library. Just a friend or two will make a big difference. Interesting what you say re not having people over - DS is the same - he does not want school friends to come for play dates as he sees home as his safe space away from school. Hopefully this will change soon
so glad your daughter has been improving. Long may it continue

@beautifulyoungmind many thanks for this. We actually had an offer from Kew but went elsewhere in the end. I had heard mixed things about its pastoral provision, but there is a lot to like about it. We are in south west London and both work, so it is hard to find a school located in a place which works. I also just don’t think it will make much difference where he is. It is more school in general and being away from us all day that is the issue. I think he would be anxious regardless of where we went, plus the change could well trigger more issues .The pressure he puts on himself re tests and all that comes totally from himself, as the school are much more relaxed about it (irrespective of the fact he is apparently doing excellently in all his lessons anyway!).

I know after half term is going to be hard, and I am struggling myself with feeling anxious and depressed about how hard everything is and how far away from “normal” we are. Hard not to feel down when parents are organising fun activities for his class, and talking about how much their kids are enjoying school etc. But at the same time we have not had a panic attack in 3 weeks, and he does seem to be developing better coping mechanisms and resilience. We have still only had one session with the child psychologist, so have to give that time too. Hopefully over the year things will get better.