11 year old DS, severe separation anxiety and secondary school struggles - suggestions for alternative London schools?

@jamoncrumpets I appreciate your views, and I can see on here from your other posts that you have strong views re autism, but as I have previously explained we are working closely with a child psychologist (who is extremely experienced and highly qualified and who has experience with autistic kids) as well as the school counsellor and a further psychologist who is assisting my wife and I. All these individuals are collaborating together and with the school. None of them think autism and, indeed, when i mentioned it, they said very clearly they see no signs of that at all. He has anxiety (as I do, and as his grandmothers on both sides do - all diagnosed and all (save for me any more) on medication for the anxiety). He struggles with intrusive thoughts and worries and doubts his own ability to cope. He is also clearly highly sensitive and has always been (again, as I am). He is just having a tough time separating from us again after having 3 weeks together on holiday, and a hard time adjusting back to the school environment.

Just thought I would report in for those following our progress, unfortunately the return to school after 3 weeks of holiday has not been easy and he is struggling with a lot of anxiety. It is only the second day back, but I have had to take him in to the nurses office both mornings, and we have had tears and he has needed to miss some parts of lessons to go and be with the nurse. Not as bad as it was, but still heartbreaking to have this setback. It is just so hard not to feel disheartened and discouraged and to worry that he will never be ok. Hopefully he can find his feet again relatively quickly, but it really feels like a punch in the gut for all of us. We just have to try and remember how well things were going last term and know we can get back there.

@Hamsterdamn @weRone Thank you both. I think my view is that "Neurodiverse" is a very wide category, if it actually means anything (wouldn't the correct term be something more like "neurodivergent"?) as is "spectrum". I certainly have elements of what could be classed as mild autism in my personality, but you could also say I was an highly sensitive introvert with some social anxiety, GAD etc etc. Self evidently DS is not "neurotypical" (or whatever the phrase for that is), or he would not be so far from him peers, but then aren't all the more interesting people? 😉

My feeling is each kid is so completely unique, and their challenges similarly so, that you just have to take it each day at a time and try and do what seems best for them. We can see the change, and the increasing confidence (and we were really pleased to hear at parents eve this week from all his teachers that he is doing fantastically in lessons), even though he still needs a lot of help (which is why he sees a child psychologist every week and we work with him on this stuff every day), so we have confidence in where we are going. If something changes that makes us feel differently, we will deal with that then. It all takes time and patience and is bloody exhausting, but I really feel hopeful for the first time in 3 months.

And of course he is neurodiverse, as am I. That does not mean he can’t develop ways and strategies to manage everything life throws at him. We are supporting him every step of the way

@jamoncrumpets thanks but obviously I don’t agree, nor do you know the reality of my child or what is happening with us.

We are working with the school, the school counsellor and an independent child psychologist, all of whom agree with the approach we are taking. And it is working - his confidence is growing, he is starting to make friends, and we are a long way from the panic attacks etc. He did brilliantly this morning and walked into school on his own, without any of the panic or tears I was expecting. It was a challenge for him (and he was a little teary from all the emotion when he called me from the nurses office) but he is doing amazingly.

Rather than thin ice, we are seeing deepening roots and growing self-confidence.

@tpmumtobe @Hamsterdamn - thanks both. I am struggling myself with real anxiety about tomorrow morning, and he is definitely worried. The hard thing is it is a big symbolic change - walking in alone rather than me walking him in. Plus he has to walk away from me, rather than me leaving him with the nurse. I am expecting a tough time, but I know he can do it and once he gets into that routine it will be fine.

Just thought I would post an update - the call dropping went really well. He was anxious that morning but actually when he called at lunch he was in good spirits. We have successfully kept the call dropped, and dropped almost all the notes from us too. Tears in the morning are now a rarity, though there is obviously still anxiety there. He has been talking more to other kids, and even went to one lunchtime club session! Often when I speak to him at lunchtime he is laughing and joking, which is such a long way from the crying and fears we had 6 weeks ago.

The next big step is Tuesday when I will drop him at the gate for the first time and he walks to the nurses office on his own, where he can then call me. Both he and I are very anxious about it but I am sure he can do it. Then that will be the last change before next term so we have time to embed everything.

We had an excellent group meeting with the school pastoral team and his child psychologist last week which was really helpful. We all felt he was capable of taking this next step and it was important not to stagnate.

Still a long way to go (and he definitely had a case of the Sunday scaries tonight) but making great strides forward.

@Hamsterdamn thanks - it is hard to keep hold of those positives when there is so much to worry about, but he really is coming along. Still very far to go - and we had lots of worries from him before bed tonight - but we are still slowly moving forward

He played tag with “friends” at lunchtime today!! That has made my evening!