Opportunity to send DD to prestigious private school. Should I?

My dd went to a small independent. We had no money at all (the first year was on an 'Assisted Place' - those were the days) and it was hard affording the uniform and incidental expenses. Her first blazer was £67 (today the equivalent would be £96). Jumpers were £37 and skirts £34. But they were good quality, washed well, lasted until they were outgrown. A couple of weeks into the first term they went on a day out in 'own clothes' so we had to buy a new outfit that we really couldn't afford. At the end of seven years, it was still hard to afford - I remember saying I'd take my last payment of fees to the Bursar in small change so he could feel my pain.

Her classmates included people on benefit as well as one girl whose mum had £8000 a month housekeeping money (in the 1990s).

If your dd wants to go to the independent, let her. My dd had many opportunities in her school that she wouldn't have had in a state school (I taught, I know comprehensives). My dgd now attends a much more upmarket independent, so her parents obviously think it's a worthwhile thing to do.

I hope your dd has a wonderful time at school.

There will probably be more of a cross section of families then than you realise.

A friend of mine sends her children to our local private school. They're not particularly wealthy and have a very normal life. Her DH has a professional job but they ended up at private after a bullying incident at another school and they worry about money like most people.

My nieces went to a prestigious private school - they're a very normal family and down to earth but they just prioritised private education.

I don't know anyone who's been to private school who's come out the other end as a snob or out of touch with the real world. That includes a uni friend of mine who went to Eton and was absolutely lovely.

If your daughter loves the school, it would suit her and the fees are guaranteed to be paid then why wouldn't you? There may be some extra curricula stuff/school trips you can't afford but that might be the case at a state school. My state educated kids have never been on any overseas trips with their schools because we couldn't afford them and it wasn't a problem.

I got a 100% scholarship to a private school at 11. Lived in a housing association house with family on benefits. My mum had real concerns about how I'd fit in. I absolutely loved it and immediately made some lovely friends who invited me over to their houses which had indoor swimming pools etc.

After a few months, my mum realised she couldn't afford the bus fare to get me there and was too proud to ask the school for help. So I left the school. She often tells me that it was her one biggest regret that she didn't do more to keep me at the school, seeing the difference in my education and opportunities.

So if you can do it and your DD wants to, absolutely go for it. Save yourself having regrets later.

OP they bribe clever kids to go to get their exam results up. 7k a year is a huge amount. She will be fine at your local school if her attitude to learning is positive!

And before anyone starts..... my husband works abroad and both my kids could have had their education fully paid for, in private schools. They didn't go. They've both ended up in top universities with great grades and they know how the actual world works

the only thing that would make me hesitate is if DD has siblings who would not get this opportunity and would resent it.

If that is not the case, then definitely go for it.

I would be over the moon if this presented itself for one of my children. I would never deny them access to this opportunity due to a fear they might not fit in.
this would be an easy decision. State school is always there if for some reason it doesn’t work out.

(Gosh I type slowly! Missed your update, OP. Point still stands.)

So presumably she’s won a scholarship? (Plus bursary?)

I know just what a long and stressful process it can be to successfully apply to such a school - you surely can’t have let her go through all of that only to snatch away the prize at the last moment?

There’s nothing better than a child loving their school - it makes the whole household happy. And if a school is capable of making her feel welcome before she’s even started, I think it’s unlikely to be the sort of place that encourages or tolerates bad behaviour.

Are you secretly worrying about how you will find this new experience? That would be natural, but you need to concentrate on the reasons why you applied.

I would definitely send her. Amazing opportunity and she is clearly very bright if she's being offered a scholarship at that value. Most independent schools have children who attend with big variances in family income. Between scholarships, grandparent funding, parents who will move heaven and earth and forego everything else to make it happen; to those who are "comfortable to the downright wealthy.
Time enough to live in the "real world"

What does she want to do??
Maybe see if she can speak to some older students maybe?

Also are there any extra commitments for the scholarship?

In most private schools there will be a few parents who have sent their children with a lot of financial sacrifice, so don't worry about that. If she is solid about herself and is not bothered about her background, which I am sure is absolutely fine then send her. If she's the type who has wobble when xxxx goes skiing, or another one flies first class then it might not be the right place.

@Llamapalma give it a good chance, worse case, you have to switch, but in the mean time, give your dd the best opportunity you can

Yes I would

I think it’d be hard to say no and she might not appreciate that lost opportunity as she grows up

Have you other children?

If she has a chance at a scholarship that suggests you/she have already put some ground work in for this? I imagine you did need to apply? On that basis, I think it would be unreasonable to now deny her the opportunity - the horse has somewhat bolted.

Yes

Are there any other siblings, and is there the potential for the scholarship amount to change during her time there?

I would let her go. My dd attended a private school and the other pupils gave from a very wide range of backgrounds. They ranged from families who were extremely wealthy to those on average incomes who lived in 'normal' sized houses. I never remember any problems arising or my daughter mentioning any unkind comments. When we went to an open day, we saw some Y7 essays about what they had done over the summer holidays and they ranged from holidays abroad to Haven holiday camps.

Yes yes yes. You’ll never forgive yourself (or she won’t) why come this far with it and not go ahead. Just take the plunge. You’re over thinking the money status thing- it won’t be like that at all.

Yes I would send her in your shoes.

Money doesn't change who you are, if anything, from what I have noticed it amplifies your character and your values; if you are rich you can do more with whatever money you have and that's the amplifying effect.

So you get good rich people and bad rich people, just like you get good poor people and bad poor people.

Don't focus on the money. There will be good and bad people there, just like everywhere.

If your DD likes it, allow her to go. It's not like it's permanent. She can leave if she doesn't like it at a later date. Perhaps you are overthinking it?

Has she got a bursary, do finances come into the decision? If they do it’s a huge commitment, but if you can afford it and want her to go, don’t let imposter syndrome stop you. Your daughter has as much right to be there as anyone else.

If you really think SHE won’t fit in then don’t let her go but if it’s just that you think YOU won’t fit in then let her go.
Ignore your family there will be a range of families I imagine and most kids don’t really care about that sort of thing