Opportunity to send DD to prestigious private school. Should I?

Send her. We had the opportunity to send our DS to private school from Year 4. Yes, a few kids arrived by chauffeur, most arrived in 4 wheel drives but plenty arrived in older cars as parents spent all money on education. My DS fell in love with the school the moment she saw it.

My DS is bright with mild learning difficulties, private school gave her the time and space she needed to work things out in her own time and way. Smaller classes, no boys (I do have a son) and plenty of teaching staff. My daughter blossomed.

I absolutely don't miss the one-up-manship or competitiveness at the school gates (never the girls) from the other mothers. But it was a price worth paying and not everyone was awful. But quite a few were!

She's returned to mainstream school (our local grammar, we live in Buckinghamshire) in Year 8. Year 7 at secondary private was tricky....... lots of extremely rich, spoilt girls becoming hormonal. But still
plenty of kids with older cars and hand me down iPhones.

My DS left so she could catch the bus from the end of the road like her local mates. We both have moments of regret she left private school.

You’ll regret not sending her and denying her the amazing opportunity than for sending her.

if she wants to go there and we can make it happen then that's what we should do.

If DD has gained a scholarship, surely she has earned her place and ought to be given the chance, if at all possible, to make the most of it.

Any other consideration fades in comparison to a scholarship. DD lived the school, they want her to join them. Perfect match. All the best.

That's everything that's wrong with this country though isn't it? It isn't about staying in 'boxes' it's about being put in boxes by people who can buy their way to better opportunities than other people. People who can't readily buy their way in to privilege often have far more aspiration than those that consider themselves entitled to it and don't need to try so hard.

Considering I was the first in my family to go to university I did ok getting to Cambridge. I think I'd want my children to have lots of friends and not be crying themselves to sleep in preference to getting out of their 'box'.

@IdisagreeMrHochhauser
Due to the need for schools to retain charitable status, they offer far more bursary places now. So one person won’t stand out as different. The very rich might not be your friends because everyone needs something in common. However the pool is big enough to find some friends who are like you and your family. There is no need to stay in your “box” either. DC should be able to stretch themselves and aspire to something more. Parents should facilitate that if they can. If the DD here gets the chance, take it. In fact take every opportunity that comes up.

I went to a posh private school and hated it. The other girls were mostly snobs and looked down on me for having less money than them. I ended up with straight As and a place at Cambridge but no friends.

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. Probably send her because that's what she wants but make sure she is getting on well socially. Girls can be brutal.

Sounds like an amazing opportunity, let her go! There's plenty of time to find out about 'real life' after school, it's not limited to the years between 11-18. Her 'real life' might be quite different after such an exclusive/privileged education than your friends and family imagine. If she ends up unhappy there you can always move her.

You'd be MAD not to let her take up the opportunity should it arise!!

SHE wants to go, why stop her??

SHE might not truly understand the differences in the finances of some of the other parents, but not all the parents will be 'well off' (other scholarships/grants/grandparents paying/parents scrimping to pay for it) & some will, but only a very few of those will be snotty about it, most just really do not care. You (as parents) might not be included in the parents 'supper circle' but frankly I'd take that as a win!

if she decides she hates it, you can always move her to a state school, but I'm sure she'll love it!

If for some reason the bursary / scholarship were stopped would you have to take her out?

@cosmicbabe

Of course it works! Loads of DC do it. New friends. New experiences. You just get a different life away from primary friends but with new friends. My DDs both moved to private secondary schools on their own. Now they are older, it’s their secondary school friends they are close to. Not primary ones. I’d go with the best school, not the local one if there’s no comparison. Even the ones who stayed local changed friends. Nothing stays forever.

I went to a school like this on a scholarship. It was brilliant and I loved it. Nobody ever treated me as less, just because we weren't rich.

What about all her friends she's leaving behind? Can she socialise outside of school hours in her new school ect?

I too am battling this. I want my child to go to his local school which is outstanding and walking distance where all his friends are going but his dad wants him to go private school about 30 mins away which I just don't see how it would work...

Surly kids will learn if they want to learn?

I was quoting the post I responded to!

But anyway …

@MuddlerInLaw
I didn’t say everyone is super rich in any post.

There are also big differences in bursary children. Some parents have seen it as their life long ambition to get a bursary place. These days you need to be very bright and sometimes offer music or sport at a high level too. Bursaries are a competitive business and the schools want venue for money.

I would send her. There will be a mix of people there. It is an incredible opportunity.

Well yes - but every MN thread is potentially relevant to countless people other than the OP!

Intriguing thread.

No offer of a place let alone a scholarship or bursary has been received - this is all conjecture.

OP maybe wait until she gets the offer until you start your deliberations?

Perhaps I’m pedantic but to me

everyone IS super rich

is a very different statement to

the vast majority have money

And from my personal knowledge of the school in question, while there certainly is a tribe of super-rich oligarchs who actually attend the auctions and other exclusive school events, it’s likely that any not super-rich boy there will have many, many friends whose working parents are buoyed by grandparent help, trusts, London house-prices, inheritance and careful planning. Perfectly true that not many people can afford c£50k fees solely out of earned income!

Most professionals cannot afford Eton fees or equivalent for two children. This is a different world from standard independent schools. Even at 20% of DC receiving bursaries, and there are some big ones at Harrow too, the vast majority have money. Lots of it. The idea that average professionals can afford Eton isn’t really true if they pay full fees. Day GDST is very different for example.

My dc are at independent school and most of the parents are working professionals and but there are a few very rich families. There are also a few kids on scholarships from less well off families. I don’t think this causes any real difficulties - esp I was at a comprehensive in the 90s and coming from a middle class professional family the gap in terms of money/lifestyle choices/attitudes to some from different backgrounds was huge anyway. So it is present almost everywhere.
I would definitely send your dd if she wants to go.

Accept it! You can always move her out if you found you needed to

I would definitely grab the opportunity, especially since your DD already likes the school and has expressed a wish to attend. I went to a private girls' school and there were children from a wide range of families. Sure we knew who the wealthy scions were but it was never really an issue.