Suspension woes

If you had an shy 11 year old just join year 7 two weeks ago, would you rather it was assumed he was 'just being friendly' if he was seen to approach her?

This.

Depending on their system next year it will nit necessarily be visible on the register system, but will be on his main record.

That was an absolutely disgusting thing to say, 3 days suspended is very lenient IMO. How would you or your sister feel if some random in your workplace you vaguely knew by sight came up and said that to you.

The boy is lucky the girl's brother or father didn't come and punch his lights out have a quiet word with him about appropriate behaviour.
Hopefully he's learned his lesson.

I think the punishment is very appropriate in illustrating how unacceptable the comment was. If he’d just had a reprimand it would have reinforced the message that it didn’t really matter. If he said this as an adult he’d likely and rightly be fired so he needs to learn rapidly.

This

If you are both taking it incredibly seriously, then why is your sister querying the 3 days? I don’t understand.

His teachers will see an E on the register. They won’t automatically be told the exact reason why, although your sister will presumably have had a letter detailing the nature of the exclusion which will probably say something general like ‘sexual behaviour towards another pupil’ which will be on his file. However they may hear from other pupils as there were witnesses.

But it will be forgotten about, if he does not behave like this again.

Teachers will be able to see he is excluded as he will be marked E on their register. If I went into the behaviour section to find out why it would probably say something like 'Sexual harassment (pupil)'.

Teachers may also hear from the kids.

So he sexually harassed a girl and thinks an apology is enough! Maybe now he’ll understand that sexual harassment is totally unacceptable. And your ‘sister’ needs to ground him for a month to back up the school.

The mark will be noted on the electronic registration system, so those who teach him will know he's been suspended. There will be a reason from the drop down menu, but the wording may be general.
He will have a follow up meeting and may be monitored for behaviour.

So.... he sexually harassed a girl at his school and got suspended.

Frankly, I'm glad the school took it seriously. And he should have apologised. That's not exceptional; that's basic decency after the fact when he realised he was probably going to get into trouble. This kind of harassment needs to stop.

SEN is a drip feed - just adding more to the story. It still does not make the 3 day suspension inappropriate. However if it is the case then there is still work to do with DN and his DM needs to step up rather than minimising.

I’m also very surprised that your thread is titled ‘suspension woes’…. as if the fact he has been suspended is the issue here?

His ‘good record’ will not stay tarnished forever, but only if you and your sister take his behaviour seriously.

It is not normal for a 13 year old boy to have the audacity to tell a 17 year old girl that she gives him a hard on out of the blue. You may think he's a lovely hard working boy, but I can pretty much guarantee that this isn't the first inappropriate comment he has made to a girl. I think he is lucky that the school has only given him a 3 day suspension.

I would also want to look at his friends and his internet usage, especially in light of him having SEN. What are his issues, some would be irrelevant and some might be very relevant? Could his friends be showing him things and daring him to say things. He needs to learn right from wrong and not to follow his friends if this is the case.

13? Bit grim at that age - it’s actually quite an explicit and unusual comment from a lad. To be really clear, his behaviour isn’t ‘normal’ or ‘typical’. It’s creepy.

It’s sexual harassment, clear and simple. It’s unacceptable, clear and simple. That 17yo child is entitled to go to school without this sort of behaviour being normalised, clear and simple. Both of you should accept what the school has done is fair and proportional- spend the time educating this boy about respecting women and girls. you would be horrified if you knew what girls from the age of 11 onwards have to put up with from boys.

You and your sister may believe that DN feels you support the school, but kids aren’t stupid, they hear more than is said. I work in a school and deal with this sort of stuff. He could have been excluded for 5 days.

The school have taken really appropriate action. It is extremely important that this level of sexual harassment is punished because hopefully others who also make such comments may think twice in the future.

you help your sister by making her understand this. But it’s good that your DN has accepted he was wrong.

I agree.

I agree, there's a problem right there.

If he has SEN then it’s even more important that your sister takes this very seriously.

What can start as sexual harassment when he is 13, could become something more serious when he is older if he doesn’t fully understand what he has done wrong.

He is a child himself, and children make mistakes; but it is really crucial and vital for him to learn now of what is completely inappropriate behaviour, and WHY. (Not just because he will get a suspension). If he has SEN it may take more than one conversation to get him to understand and your sister needs to check his online activity.

The fact that he thought the girl didn’t seem bothered at the time and only complained later is irrelevant! That he and your sister don’t realise why that is, is worrying.

Hi OP.

In answer to your question, if he does nothing else it'll be fine. Teaching staff really don't see 'tarnished records' that way. The information about why he's been excluded won't even have been officially shared. They won't think twice about it.

I know you're being lambasted a little on here- but I also think as a society we have a responsibility to stop letting boys think these remarks are ok. Yes, your DN probably isn't a horrible sexually predatory child- but I know I spent much of my life feeling vaguely threatened by men, and having to laugh off this sort of remark- which would have made me feel uncomfortable.

I think as women we've got to make it clear to men that it's not banter, and is unpleasant. I genuinely think half the men I know who said this sort of stuff when I was younger were basically quite nice, and would have been horrified if they'd realised how it made women feel. We have to change society.

he did not understand why when she accepted his apology at the time many later there is a complaint

Because she knew that he needed to be stopped. His apology wouldn't guarantee he wouldn't do this again to younger or more vulnerable girls. Whilst you are saying you are not justifying his behaviour your seem more outraged at the school and her complaining. Chamge your mindset - put the blame 100% on him and what he needs to learn.

The fact his mum feels 3 days suspension is harsh suggests she hasn't understood the impact of this. I would be utterly horrified if my 13 year said this and try to figure out where his views came from. I think I could be grateful he had 3 days out of school so I could work on adjusting his behaviour.

All that means is that the 11, 12 and 13 year olds get him and other boys saying shit like this to them so often - and fear the bullying if they do report it and he gets into trouble - that they haven't reported him previously. But a 17 year old doesn't have to fear the wrath of angry 13 year olds in every lesson or on lesson changeover like they do.

He apologised immediately because it's the first time he's encountered somebody who isn't afraid of him, his mates or of being called a snitch/grass. Somebody not as vulnerable as his usual victims. That's all.

Yep. 'Suck it up it's not the end of the world,' and 'teach your teenager to curse under his breath.' I also find flipping the bird discreetly makes me feel better without causing offence to the flippee.

The only “not fair” part about this situation is the way he spoke to a peer! What he said was grim and no one needs to put up with it. Good on the school for not condoning it. Your DN needs to learn people shouldn’t conduct themselves in this way. He doesn’t want to be singled out but he singled her out?! He needs to keep his head down and watch his mouth

@NameForAChange there is a vibe of entitlement and arrogance isn’t there

he seriously has a good record , is a very good student

Correction
he seriously HAD a good record and WAS a good student.

Everyone is "good" until they screw up and get caught. I have teen sons so know this isn't usual behaviour, it really isn't.

He will get a get a few comments when he gets back to school and other parents might want to encourage their children to stay clear of him. Your sister would do well to investigate his phone access and monitor him closely. It will be forgotten about but I won't minimise the stigma that will exist for a while. If he keeps his head down it will be forgotten about. If he gets defensive then he could be on a slippery slope.