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Original poster

Child not enjoying St Albans school what should I do?

117 replies

Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 20:26

My son entered St Albans a week or two ago. He is doing well with three tutor commendations already. He doesn’t feel like he fits in and isn’t very happy. Doesn’t think it’s very challenging although I think it got 14th this year for GCSE. We don’t really know his academic position because the sets are jumbled up. But he has realised that he is the only one that enjoys things like advanced philosophy like Marx for example, watches intellectual debates/lectures and has much more of a “sophisticated general knowledge”. He isn’t very sporty so is called a nerd, but I’m sure that’s fairly normal. He has said that the teachers are overqualified, some parts of the campus are extraordinarily amazing but some are substandard. There are some opportunities like the Stephen Hawking society that invites famous scientists to give lectures as well. But the pupil body and just the overall feeling isn’t very appealing to him. He said that it seemed much better on the open day.

He has also been discussing about moving schools. What can he do? Are there any options like St Paul’s, UCS, Habs and possibly Westminster that could let him join at the end of the term or somewhere in the year? If they don’t are there any other options or do you think it foolish of him and me to think about moving? Please help.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 15/09/2022 22:34

Does he have a neurodiverse diagnosis of some kind?

Also - does he have friends? It doesn't sound like it. That's very painful and difficult at times. Is there any weekend activity where he gets to spend time with people his age who 'get' him - again im thinking of music or similar?

MarchingFrogs · 15/09/2022 22:22

Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 21:48

Rightly or wrongly, he thinks that because 70% of teachers have doctorates from places like oxbridge.

So, 'overqualified', because Who needs an Oxbridge doctorate if they're just going to be a schoolteacher? or Teachers having Oxbridge doctorates would be reasonable at a school with a higher general calibre of pupil, but a waste here, with only myself and a couple of others worthy of their level of learning?

However, if you really are thinking of trying to move him, the sense or not of this notwithstanding, it would make sense to do it sooner rather than later, before his year group gets stuck in to GCSE syllabuses.

Magnanimouse · 15/09/2022 22:16

Instead of starting with what is making him unhappy, make a list of what he would like in a school, and then try to find out if it exists.

I suspect, sadly, that his interests are so advanced and niche that it won't, and that he's going to be very frustrated until he reaches the point - possibly as an undergraduate at Oxbridge, or maybe not until postgrad - where he can self-direct his own study. That's what happens when you hothouse children ... he's not going to uni until he's 18 but academically is probably (academically) ready for it now. The next few years are something to be endured, rather than enjoyed.

Minimalme · 15/09/2022 22:13

You are over invested op. Your job is to remind your son he needs to work on his ability to get along with other people.

And to introduce him to humility.

He has already got once failed school placement under his belt. He needs to worry less about advanced philosophy and more about become a well rounded and - crucially - nice human being.

Killergigglebunnies · 15/09/2022 22:12

How was he at his last school? Was he at a Prep school (only assuming as he’s Year 9)?
I still think it’s early doors to be bailing. I take it you and he visited the school before to get a feel for it and make sure it was the right fit for him?

Original poster
Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 22:11

That’s another issue. We try to invite his friends but he hates it. We’re no forcing him to socialise more. When he wants to, he speaks in an expressive and impressive way, he is a debater, but generally he doesn’t like to talk to anyone or socialise with anyone on the weekends. Usually, teenagers want to go out with their friends, for us it’s there opposite, we have to force him.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2022 22:06

I think maybe you and him should concentrate less on academics and more on his social skills. They seem very far behind his peers.

Wnikat · 15/09/2022 22:02

Marx is fairly entry level philosophy. Get him on to some Kant.

PermanentTemporary · 15/09/2022 22:01

He sounds uncomfortable and unhappy - definitely like he hasn't settled yet. He may be falling back on academics as that's his main interest and where he's always felt comfortable.

I would agree with him that year 9 can feel a bit unfocused if you're driven and hardworking and very interested in academic qualifications- my ds wouldn't have known what a PhD was in year 9. But that shows that year 9 has something to teach him. Life is not all about pure academics. Is he looking at the Duke of Edinburgh award (setting up a philosophy club for the younger years would be a great voluntary effort) , music, drama, art, sport, dance? Is he making friends, developing outside school, reading for pleasure?

I'd encourage him to jump in and enjoy this chance to explore a bit more broadly.

Original poster
Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 22:01

@BettyBottersBetterButter i think this is a perfect example of mumsnet.

OP posts:
rattleskittle · 15/09/2022 22:01

Wow. You need to chill out and show your son that it is important to take things slowly sometimes. Be humble. Take your time. Find the best in the situation you're in. No one can settle anywhere in 10 days. You reacting to his reaction is totally unhelpful. You be the calm leader.

Actually, my vibe is that you are both autistic tbh. That's not a bad thing in any way. But recognising it will probably be helpful for both of you

00100001 · 15/09/2022 22:01

Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 22:00

Again about the overqualified teacher thing, I said rightly or wrongly, meaning I don’t know how to interpret that either.

Ask him then...

Call.him out on his "70%" figure.

00100001 · 15/09/2022 22:00

Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 21:58

I’m not interested in academics in any sense, I just want him to fulfil his needs in terms of the compulsory academic things like reasonable quality homework. Everything else is his choice and preference.

... huh?

Original poster
Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 22:00

Again about the overqualified teacher thing, I said rightly or wrongly, meaning I don’t know how to interpret that either.

OP posts:
00100001 · 15/09/2022 22:00

Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 21:48

Rightly or wrongly, he thinks that because 70% of teachers have doctorates from places like oxbridge.

Well, considering their staff list has around 14 Dr listed out of around 200... not entirely sure where he got the figure of 70% have Doctorates....

What does he mean?

Original poster
Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 21:58

I’m not interested in academics in any sense, I just want him to fulfil his needs in terms of the compulsory academic things like reasonable quality homework. Everything else is his choice and preference.

OP posts:
XelaM · 15/09/2022 21:57

ThickCutSteakChips · 15/09/2022 21:52

This thread is peak Mumsnet! 😂

My kid has just started secondary and my main priorities are: can I get him to and from school safely and on time with the change of routine, is he making friends or getting on with the friends from his old school, is he getting to grips with lunchtime/homework/the online learning platforms, is he happy?

I think advanced philosophy might be a little further down the line, perhaps after half term, but we shall see!

This 🤣

ShowTime80 · 15/09/2022 21:54

Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 21:48

Rightly or wrongly, he thinks that because 70% of teachers have doctorates from places like oxbridge.

From where has he got this idea? (That doctorates mean they're unsuited for teaching)?

When you say he's arrogant, what exactly do you mean? Surely this is the most pressing issue. Why should a year 9 boy be arrogant? Where has that come from?

It sounds like no school will ever meet his expectations.

XelaM · 15/09/2022 21:53

My dad, my brother and my grandfather were those "wonder kids" in school who between them ended up in Cambridge/Harvard/STEM PhDs etc... My dad has a photographic memory and used to be able to memorise encyclopaedias and history books word for word just by reading them. Crazy stuff like that. But none if them bragged about that stuff and always enjoyed the social side of life, making friends, going out etc. Just because your son is great academically doesn't mean he can't enjoy the simpler things in life. It's not all about academics. Plus, if he really is that superior to everyone else, he will breeze through his exams regardless of the school he attends.

BettyBottersBetterButter · 15/09/2022 21:53

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parietal · 15/09/2022 21:52

teachers with doctorates is not necessarily rare - there is a decent population of people who get a PhD & like teaching but can't get a university teaching job so move to secondary teaching instead. should be great teachers.

And don't move him after 2 weeks. he needs at least a term to settle down and learn some humility.

ThickCutSteakChips · 15/09/2022 21:52

This thread is peak Mumsnet! 😂

My kid has just started secondary and my main priorities are: can I get him to and from school safely and on time with the change of routine, is he making friends or getting on with the friends from his old school, is he getting to grips with lunchtime/homework/the online learning platforms, is he happy?

I think advanced philosophy might be a little further down the line, perhaps after half term, but we shall see!

Original poster
Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 21:48

Rightly or wrongly, he thinks that because 70% of teachers have doctorates from places like oxbridge.

OP posts:
Original poster
Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 21:47

I should point out hat my son can get quite arrogant, but in his old school we made a lot mistakes which led to teachers having biases etc. He didn’t have a good time at all whatsoever. We just want to ensure that this doesn’t happen again. At the end of the day, he should be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Logicalwannabemother · 15/09/2022 21:46

Because he took the 12+, there were activists that they could partake in, in November. He met one friend, and then in the scholarship exams, him and his friend met another two boys. One of them isn’t in their class but they have since added one more to their group. These kids are academic but aren’t interested in things like philosophy, extracurricular science etc. The one kid who was separated through the classes is quite clever in terms of my son’s definition.

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