Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Should I tell my DD that her school trousers don't suit her?

105 replies

Kimmee · 12/09/2022 16:45

Hi all,

First of all, let me say that this is my first post here and I've tried to word it as tactfully as possible!

Anyway, my eldest DD recently started secondary school and me and her picked out her new uniform together. Her school (thankfully) has a pretty lax uniform policy and considers a variety of styles acceptable, not needing to go to any particular supplier etc. I tried a supplier which I won't name because this is no reflection on them and so it's not fair on them, but I've heard good things about them being reasonably priced yet high quality at the same time.

My DD insisted we look through things together and we settled on a couple of pleated skirts and some senior girls trousers. She was drawn to one style in particular which had a higher waist (which I know is very 'in' right now with girls) and had an internal adjuster which I thought would be good since she has trouble getting things to fit her. To clarify, she's definitely on the chubbier side, but not in a way that's really a cause for worry in my opinion.

Now, it all arrived the next week and I watched her put it on. The skirts fit her fine and looked very smart and flattering on her figure, but not so much with the trousers! I should mention that my DD is also one of the shorter girls for her age at around 4 and a half foot and the trousers came up too high! She was actually wearing the trousers over her waist at the same height she had the skirts which didn't look right at all and frankly surprised me that she found comfortable.

I told her that I thought the trousers were supposed to be worn lower and that they didn't look right, but she insists that she likes them that way and it's fine. While I do admire her confidence in wearing what she wants, I'm also worried that she's oblivious to what might happen at school. I can't help but think that others would make fun of her for it, because she does wear them very high over her tummy (which looks like it's all been awkwardly stuffed in and might pop out of them at any moment!).

As you can imagine, this is especially the case when she sits down, which gives a very unflattering appearance such as the trousers sitting just under her chest or letting you see the outline of her tummy. She does also wear jeans which tend to be quite high waisted, but she can wear tops over them of different materials / styles / colours...Unlike her uniform which always needs her shirt to be tucked in!

My DD is VERY bright, but she's also very sensitive and can suddenly throw a wobbly when she gets upset which I know would affect her excellent work. The question is, how do I talk to her honestly about it and go about stopping the obvious and letting other people's inevitable comments about her trousers get her down? I hope I'm not being harsh here.
Let me guys know what you think!

-Kimmee

OP posts:
HitsAndMrs · 12/09/2022 21:04

Crumblierthanfeta · 12/09/2022 16:55

I actually disagree with pp’s. As a parent you can and should protect your dc when practicable. Sending a child like a lamb to the slaughter is quite frankly cruel. Not all styles, outfits will suit everyone or all body shapes. Gently guiding your dc to find things that suit them is the way forward. The only time it would be appropriate to remain silent would be if that particular style was mandatory and nothing could be done. I was mocked horrendously for an outfit I wore to a school event, I really wish someone had told me.

-- I agree with this. If you don't tell her, someone else will and won't be as kind! I'd just offer alternatives, take her shopping to try things on. Maybe phrase it in a way that she needs a few different pairs but saying nothing and sending her on her merry way is cruel. My DD has also just started high school and I'd desperately try to.protect her from this.

carefullycourageous · 12/09/2022 20:59

I think those who have body issues from horrible comments need to be mindful that a few supportive comments are just not the same thing.

We all have to tell our children some difficult things at times, not doing so would be letting them down. I have had to discuss all sorts of issues but have been very careful. Some are grown now and I see now issues, they seem confident. Would it really have been better to leave them without support? My view is no, it is better to kindly and sparingly help.

That said anything that is about the body and not the clothes is not a good idea.

Cryingbutstilltrying · 12/09/2022 20:57

I think I would have a ‘washing disaster’ (easily believed in this house) and then they are sold out in her size. Then order a whole lot that you think might work better for her figure. Apologise lots.
Kids can be unbelievably cruel at that age and it will follow her throughout school if it isn’t stopped quickly, trust me.
That said, the fashion at the moment looks pretty dreadful on everyone I’ve seen no matter what their shape.

Always4Brenner · 12/09/2022 20:53

misspositivepants · 12/09/2022 18:14

It’s difficult, my mum when I was 11 and I tried on a skirt said to me ‘you need some pull in knickers to hold your tummy in’ I’m not saying you would say it quite like that. But I remember every moment of that still 24 years later and it’s taken my years to unpick the loathing I had for my body. But I can see why you don’t want her to be the subject of bullies, it’s going to be a fine line to tread.

I hear you loud and clear I know exactly what you mean. I still hate my body.

Always4Brenner · 12/09/2022 20:49

I’m now 56 I was never allowed jeans until I was 17 because I was fat as told by the cow who dragged me up, to this day I do not have a mirror in the bedroom when I first got my first flat screen tv it showed my reflection for six months I threw a sheet over it so I wouldn’t see my body. It took six months for me to stop doing this. Please be very careful what you say to her.

mrsdshe · 12/09/2022 20:43

You are her mother you can tell your opinion without breaking her heart. I have daughters as well. So I feel flr you. Just tell that she looks really good in skirt or skirt suits her really well. But do not mentioned that trousers doesnt look on her.

Boreded · 12/09/2022 20:07

Let her wear what she is comfortable in…if she gets upset after a bad experience then console her and get her some new ones.

it’s hard, but you’ve got to let her flourish or fall on her own

Mythreefavouritethings · 12/09/2022 20:06

Crazycrazylady · 12/09/2022 16:52

Tricky one, I know the general advice on here will be say absolutely nothing but i agree its hard to send her in knowing that its likely that her new peers might have a little snigger at her.

I think sometimes these things are easier to see in a photo so I'd say nothing but get her to try them on again and take a few pics which hopefully she might ask to see and maybe realize that they are not a good fit on her.

Now that's a great idea. OP, you have some thoughts on this which I don't think are unkind or judgmental, just an opinion, which is valid. Agree with others, and Crazycrazylady above, let her see pictures and if she's happy, all good.

oxydant · 12/09/2022 19:57

MbatataOwl · 12/09/2022 17:50

I think you need to try to unpick what is going on for you to react this way to her clothes and her body

She probably doesn't want her DD taken the piss out of at school.

Yep, agree. And that's 100% fine

Flumpymc · 12/09/2022 19:56

Whatever you say will stick with her. Whilst i agree with not setting her up for teasing, i find your language and the way you've spoken about her unsettling and it comes across that you really don't believe girls should have a tummy and you're judging her for her size. If this comes across she'll be so upset. So please have a hard think about your feelings and what you want her to take from the conversation

oxydant · 12/09/2022 19:55

MolliciousIntent · 12/09/2022 16:51

God I hope my mother never spoke about my clothing choices like this.

Why does it matter how she looks at school?!

Appearance does matter, despite people pretending that it doesn't.

MbatataOwl · 12/09/2022 19:54

I would so much prefer to be one of those girls who wear what they want and don't care!

I can't imagine her being made fun of and/or into meme will be something she'll be able to brush off.

idonotmind · 12/09/2022 19:50

They got ripped in the wash and the shop is out of stock so you'll take her into m&s to try some others.

*

This.

idonotmind · 12/09/2022 19:50

Please have that conversation.

The last thing she needs is the mickey taking

cowsaysmoo · 12/09/2022 19:48

My mum used to tell me I shouldnt wear this or that as it doesn't look good on me. I know she did it in a good faith but it made me feel miserable, unattractive and I had no confidence in my looks.
I am over 40 years old and I still feel this way. I would so much prefer to be one of those girls who wear what they want and don't care!
Don't tell your daughter, please.

Stichintimesavesstapling · 12/09/2022 19:48

They got ripped in the wash and the shop is out of stock so you'll take her into m&s to try some others.

Winter2020 · 12/09/2022 19:45

I would take her shopping and simply say "I'm not keen on those school trousers and hoped we could try on some other styles and see what you think". Hopefully you will find some that flatter her and can say how great they look. No need to elaborate on why you are not keen on the first pair - although if she insists she lives them and wants to wear them then not much you can do. Even if she wants high wasted their might be a petite range that dont come up to her chest.

Camdenish · 12/09/2022 19:36

Please don’t say anything. Her clothes are there to adhere to school uniform and to make her feel comfortable. They may look uncomfortable but if she feels good that’s all that matters. They’re not there to flatter her figure or any of the other things we as adults were told.
I love that kids wear their clothes and don’t worry about their bums or their tummies like we did.
If someone at school mentions it to her she’ll have to decide if she cares enough to change.

Afterfire · 12/09/2022 19:32

You say absolutely nothing.

If she’s at high school she’s old enough to know what things look like on her and know if she likes them. If she thinks they’re okay she clearly thinks she won’t be bullied in them.

Parents have completely different ideas about what’s “in” etc. My mum was always interfering in my clothes choices and now I look back I think she was actually a bit jealous in a weird way and seemed to never want me to look fashionable!

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 12/09/2022 19:32

misspositivepants · 12/09/2022 18:14

It’s difficult, my mum when I was 11 and I tried on a skirt said to me ‘you need some pull in knickers to hold your tummy in’ I’m not saying you would say it quite like that. But I remember every moment of that still 24 years later and it’s taken my years to unpick the loathing I had for my body. But I can see why you don’t want her to be the subject of bullies, it’s going to be a fine line to tread.

I remember my mother buying me a roll on corset at 11 because she thought I needed one 😱
IFor goodness sake OP tread very carefully.

NoEffingWay · 12/09/2022 19:30

I would focus on the positive that the skirts look good, buy some more of those with tights for when it gets cold, and then pray she grows taller and the trousers don't fit anymore.

My mum would have put a hole in something she didn't like, and I know for a fact she boil washed stuff she detested so it became unwearable but I found that really upsetting.

She wants to fit in, and you have to let her find out the hard way that tight trousers are uncomfortable and don't suit everyone. I resemble a weeble in anything high waisted and am a short fattie!

Weightlossanne · 12/09/2022 19:28

How about asking her if the trousers will be comfortable to sit in all day or will they cut in under her bust?

Smartiepants79 · 12/09/2022 19:14

There are ways to say ‘those trousers don’t suit you’ that don’t mean you look fat and awful.
Personally I think it’s worse to allow someone you love to go out and about in something that is unflattering. Exposing them to potential idiots who are going to tell them anyway and not in a constructive way.
I am always carefully honest with my daughters. If something doesn’t fit or makes them look weird I say so. We then work together to find something that makes them look amazing. There are very few people in the world who look good in everything. Part of growing and finding your style is learning what it right for your body and what isn’t. Like I can’t wear paper bag waistline cos I look like an idiot. One DD looks amazing in skinny jeans the other in mum jeans!
You’re her mum. Guide her!

Petrar · 12/09/2022 18:53

OP, is the size correct?

Maybe she needs a size up and them tailored a bit at the leg? You could get a size up that without telling her and cut the labels out, get them tailored at the waist if needed and tailored down the leg. I do this with a lot of my trousers cos I have a big bum/hips but small waist, so always buy a size up.

Otherwise, say the trousers are badly made or the cut is bad.
DO NOT mention her figure cos she really doesn’t need that.

I’d want someone at home to advise me, because someone at school will say something, with a LOT less tact.

iamjustwinginglife · 12/09/2022 18:39

Better you tell her tactfully that some shitty bully at school!