Should I tell my DD that her school trousers don't suit her?

Having worked with teens and raising one too, this is not really how current teen girls work. It’s not the culture and always very surprising to me at my age but they’re much less focused on that type of shaming and often teen girl groups now won’t tolerate that type of bullying. They still fall out and bullying happens but the culture now amongst teens is much less focused on body shaming/clothes. So I’d definitely say that a mothers wrongly worded criticism, despite being well intentioned, is likely to cut deeper.

Plus chances are it’s the style that’s ‘in’ and fit doesn’t really matter to them.

Teen girls are very different to how they were even one generation ago.

I guess it comes down to mum being tactful and directing towards something more flattering and risking getting it wrong....causing problems..or the class bitch ripping the piss out of her...causing problems..which becomes the lesser of two evils.

I took the sane approach. No comments. No scales. It’s worked and DD(16) has no body issues or self esteem problems. She's comfy and confident in her body. Slim but not skinny.

The only comment I make is an understated occasional compliment on what good taste she has or that she looks lovely.

Having been raised by parents who did negatively comment, even if done only in the spirit of kind feedback, I know the mark it left on me.

Teens will want to wear whatever shape is “in” regardless of their own shape. It’s much more important to them and their peers to wear the seasons shape. High waists appear to be very popular right now. I hate them, on me and in others but I appreciate that at 45 I know nothing about what is the right thing for a 15 year old to wear.
Therefore I don’t think you should interfere.

I would just be honest in a nice way. I would say, the cut is way to high on you and another cut is more flattering to your body type. It does not always have to be about being chubby....but sometimes if you have a long or shorter torso, certain trousers look good or not depending on body type, length etc. I have told my kids when things are too small or tight for them (but they also like to wear clothing that is say for age 5 when they are age 9 lol).

If you must comment then "Those trousers do have quite a high waistband, don't they? Are you happy with them like that? We can always get some different ones if you ever want a change" would be open and non-judgemental.

Of course tell her. It doesn't have to be done in an unkind way at all. You can suggest the other options, such as 'I think these other xxxx suit you better,' or 'flatter your figure more'. It's up to her whether she heeds your advice or not, but there's no way I wouldn't say it (tactfully.)

I remember starting secondary school and my mother telling her friend that my school skirt didn't suit me. She didn't say it directly to me but I never forgot, and it did affect me. There was no option to wear trousers and I was miserable for years

*dd

With my dad and her friends, body shaming is not accepted. Lots of girls of all shapes wear high waisted trousers etc. they do look better when they sit high up on the waist. I think the problem is you don't understand young fashion any more. You should let her get on with it.

My dad likes to wear v v high waisted or extremely baggy, with short tops, huge shirts and baggy sweatshirts.

My very very blunt talking,
pull no punches when it comes to my failings dds say I was amazing re weight and clothes when they were teenagers. Particularly as they’ve grown up and have more experience of other mothers and friends with ed/ low self confidence.
I never commented and didn’t have scales in the house. They also went to all girls schools with strictish uniforms and I didn’t get involved if they broke the rules.
They're mid 20s now. Healthy slim rather than stick thin and uninterested in clothes although can scrub up if needs be.
I cannot reiterate how bad a parent I was in other areas but it’s interesting that they’ve both recently commented that no scales/ no comment served them well. I’ll see if I can anonymise a shocking pic of dd2- she found it recently and said, “how could you let me out of the house like that?!” 💁🏻‍♀️😂

I would want to reduce her chances of being bullied too but it’s quite possible she knows more about the current fashion than you - check what her peers are wearing before saying anything!

Also it really depends on the school what kids might be bullied for. In my daughter's school it's about having the "right stuff" - like Nike bag, school shoes (black Nike Air Force 1) and water bottle (some dreadful AirUp bottle for £35) - not necessarily the body shape.

This! Fashion is dreadful at the moment and the coolest girls wear some diabolical stuff. My daughter is in that "cool" crowd and they wear Nike Pro shorts that barely cover their bum and tiny denim hot pants- type of shorts. Very rarely is it flattering 😅

How about “oi Jannette cranky your kegs make you look dumpy as fuck”

or you could just let her wear the trousers she likes and maybe she won’t be discussing this with her therapist in 15 years

I disagree with the majority on here. Surely if anyone can tell their dds that something doesn't look right it should be their parents. Better then her being taken the piss out of in school.

Because kids bully over things like this

@Kimmee DO NOT SAY ANYTHING!!!

if you do you’ll affect her self esteem for years. Possibly life. Your voice, as her mum, is the loudest in her head.

If she’s confident, don’t be the voice that spoils that.

Also, what we consider to not look good does not translate to what teens think. Leave her be.

Don't ... I haven't worn jeans for nearly 50 years because of what my mother said.

its just your opinion, not hers or other peoples. Give her space to develop her own style.

If you and fake the laundry incident you can blame the trousers "my goodness what were they thinking, it's like they were put together by a drunken mule! The seams, the cut, the alignment are all wrong and are doing nothing for your fabulous figure my darling, let's go and get some properly made ones shall we?"

I have an 11 year old DD. I would want to do anything I could to reduce the risk of her being bullied, so I think you should say something honest, but not unkind.

I would say something along the lines of 'Those skirts look really lovely on you. Are you pleased with them? I'm not sure the trousers are quite right though. Should we order another style and you can compare to see which you like best?'.

Put them on a very hot wash and tell her they must have bern poor quality and they got ruined !

The problem is what you think looks good and what the teens think looks good is not the same.
Tight leggings with bum showing, very tight bright cycling shorts and very very high waisted, I would say ugly, trousers that make your bum look massive and show you have a tummy are what all the coolest girls in 6th form are wearing. Size doesn't matter like it did when we were teens.
So you may be wrong about how she looks and actually that is cool now 😎

Wow! Those saying not to say anything really cannot have teenage girls at secondary school. You can instil all the confidence you want with as many body positive phrases as possible but it only takes one horrid comment from a school peer to shatter her. And that is so hard to deal with; once that comment has been uttered she cannot unhear it.

OP you have to try and do something - photos could be a good idea or you have to go with the difficult conversation. You are doing her a disservice by allowing her to go in wearing them as other girls won't phrase anything nicely!

Once she's settled at secondary and has a group of friends then she can wear whatever style she likes. But that's not for the first few weeks of yr 7.