AIBU to not reward results?

This is the equivalent of presenteeism in the office. Just because I’m still at work right now, doesn’t mean I’m being useful. I’m on mumsnet now and have had a fairly inefficient afternoon (blame the heat) so I’ll need to stay late to make up for it. But I think that my boss should give me a promotion and a massive pay rise because I’ll be the last one here tonight. Meanwhile my colleague who’s just put her head down and got on with it but had to rush home to pick up her kids, should probably put more effort in.

I know natural talent can get you a long way in maths but he must still have been paying attention in class. I think you are a meant not to recognise his amazing marks. You need to parent the kids you have as individuals. You son wants recognition of his 100%'s why dismiss them as not important.

You should also celebrate your other kids in a way that suits them.

They are individuals.

But what should your son have done, to satisfy your requirements for effort, OP? If he's getting 100% without doing a huge amount of extra work at home, surely it would be a pointless waste of time to sit there trying to get >100% (and would indicate quite poor maths skills, given that's not possible). Is it that he does badly in other subjects and doesn't put effort in for them either?

Would it not be reasonable to reward for either effort/results? The deal when I was at school was that if you got the top attainment grades lower effort grades were accepted. If you weren't getting top attainment grades you had damned we'll be getting top grades for effort.

Why don't you take them all out for a meal. Then it's not like anyone is favoured.

Finishing GCSEs, no matter what the result is worth a little extra. So it's nice you gave your DS1 something.

I'd suggest with DS2 if he is gifted at maths then I'd suggest a way to find out how far he can go with it. Getting 100% didn't require a lot of work - so find a way to allow him to truly stretch himself and then reward him after that.

It's like a fluent French speaker getting an A* in GCSE French. They didn't really need to try. Sure an exam and pressure requires a level of input but it's nothing compared to what a non-French speaker would have had to do, to get the same result.

I don’t reward for 100% .. one of mine - same age , has got a couple of 100%s this year . He’s good at maths .

I reward for effort when the reports come out .. but we’re talking a game or some sweets or something not a posh meal out.

I might be tempted to reward good grades in English though as he really struggles and I know he really will deserve something … again though it will probably be a bag of Sourpatch kids !

my younger one isn’t academic so it would just be unfair to always be rewarding one and not the other

How can you say someone getting 100% shouldn’t be rewarded for their effort? That can’t get any more than 100%😂

I rewarded all my children if they did well in general so piano and electric guitar grades, swimming badges and later placed in races, karate grades, GCSE, A levels, degrees, HGV class 2 then class 1 all got rewarded but we celebrated as a family on many occasions so if 1 child got new karate grade = family takeaway, child won competitive swim race = family meal out, GCSES child got money plus family meal out. I found it made children support each other more. When I'm gone I want my children to be there to support each other.

As a previous poster suggested The problem with getting 100% in tests is that with all the effort in the world he couldn't have got any higher. Next time he will have to try harder to get a lower mark then you will be able to reward him.

On Mumsnet you often hear of kids who breeze through GCSEs and A levels making very little effort. It's so dismissive of the kids. These exams are a LOT easier for some kids than others but even the brightest kids have to put a lot of effort in.

Just to add, my little brother was like your son at school - very talented in STEM subjects and got results without trying. In fact, he spent most of his time gaming/messing around and school would complain about him constantly because he wouldn't hand in homework on time/ made no effort. My parents were actually very soft on him because his exam results were always brilliant.

Subsequently, he ended up going to Cambridge (graduated with a First again seemingly without much effort) and did his postgrad at Harvard. He is now in his mid-20's and super successful in IT working for one of the biggest tech giants on an eye-watering salary. It would have been unfair of my parents to not reward him for his results just because he was naturally gifted and bored at school. It probably would have discouraged him from getting good results in the first place.

Your perspective is skewed and he should be rewarded for hard work.
I get that your wanting to protect your older siblings insecurities but you are risking discouraging your younger son.

I grew up with my achievements never being celebrated but my brothers were to encouraged him to stay in school and work...all it did was cause issues and I felt pushed out and ignored. I was expected to do well and got told off of I got Bs!

This.

It's totally stupid to reward the effort but not the result! That's the opposite of what's important. The results/marks are what count at the end of the day. I have always been very good at passing exams with minimal effort and would forget everything I learned upon leaving the exam hall. It has served me very well in life. Being able to do well in exams is a very important life skill because there will be countless exams/tests your kids will have to sit in throughout their education/careers.

If you don't reward two 100% results your son might completely lose motivation and not bother next time.

I don't see what else you wanted him to do if he already knew everything he needed to revise for the exam?

@allboysherebutme
We never did this. A clever child just gets on very well anyway. The op is treating the whole family together. That’s fair and easy to explain.

I'd take him out, it will give him a reason to carry on in the future, if he isn't rewarded he may not bother.
I think most parents give a little treat as an insensitive. X

I'd be taking him for a lovely meal out and I'd be celebrating his grade. I'd celebrate whatever works with your other kid. Just celebrating effort would work with some kids but not others. You need to treat your kids as individuals not have some standard fixed way of patenting.

It's amazing he got such a great score. Downplaying it because he is naturally talented is mean. It's dismissive.

It's also difficult to measure 'effort'

I have always taught my dd that the results themselves are the reward. It's what my parents taught me and I stand by it.

We have often taken her out for a meal to acknowledge her hard work (typically before results) or lovely feedback from her teachers about helping other students etc.

@MerryMarigold
why be so worried about effort? He’s done the exams and learned what he was asked to. He’s not any less lived if he just winged it, is he? If he has friends going out for meals, just say you are doing a family one later! It’s no big deal surely?

Just be glad that rewarding 100% is your problem 😂

Ours expect a fanfare and a pat on the back when they put in minimal effort and get 50%. Apparently getting a 4 is "really good" 😐

I'm with you, OP, about focussing on the effort, more than the result. We took DD out for dinner after she sat the 11 plus, but we didn't do anything special when she received her results, or when she got a place at her preferred school.

I would be a bit concerned about your DS's attitude, basically demanding a posh meal out because he got full marks in some tests! I do wonder whether this idea came from school friends - we know people that take their kids out as reward for getting a good report, and have even heard of one person who was promised a pony if she passed the 11 plus 😮

It is more difficult with siblings though, and other posters have given some good examples as to why. My gut feeling would be to stay away from giving any special rewards (meals out, money etc) for individuals, and just keep up with the support and praise for them all, with perhaps a treat for all at a suitable point (such as an end of term family meal.)

We just went out for dinner together. No judgements. We love them equally. Who judges their DC in such minutae? No one I ever knew. Some DC don’t necessarily have to work hard. Others have to slave away. But you don’t love one above the other do you? They are not the same personalities or abilities. But that really doesn’t matter. Even the ones who find school relatively easy usually work hard when employed. I often think that’s how it should be. Slaving away at school for medium grades can be relentless. You never get to the top of that mountain. Balance is what’s needed.Plus enjoyment of school and life.