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Original poster

Yr 9 self inflicted pressure for academic achievement

28 replies

bluefineliner · 25/06/2022 07:16

DD2 has always been a perfectionist and was keen to go to our local girls grammar school. She is able academically, and she decided where she went to school, we have always let her choose her preferences.

I hoped she would cope with the workload and maintain an average position in her class so she didn't feel she couldn't keep up. Now at the end of yr9 she is pretty much the top of all her subjects, but works very hard and puts huge effort in to being 'good' at everything. My future concern is the amount of pressure she puts on herself, with no input from us, and if this may be a problem as she goes into her GCSE years. So far, no indication of this, other than a snappy teen when things get on top of her.

Has anyone else had a child like this, and how did they get on with GCSEs and A levels? Did their commitment continue, or falter? She is naturally highly strung and can be hard work at home, but this has been the same her whole life! She is the opposite of our DD1 who was bright but chilled with it.

My DH and I continually advise her to slow down, take a rest, that it is ok to fail some things, etc etc, but it makes no difference. The school is high achieving, but she isn't being pushed to this level by them, it comes from within her. She loves school and her teachers seem to like her as a student too.

Just looking for anyone with similar experiences.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluefineliner · 25/06/2022 07:57

Thank you for replying and giving me a different perspective, it is really helpful. I will keep in mind your comment on getting 97 not 100, as this is exactly the kind of things she stresses about!

I am so worried about being accused of being a pushy mother, I tend to veer away from sympathising if she is getting amazing grades, but not what she wanted. I see now that maybe a different response might help.

I feel it is a tight line between encouraging her and then being accused of putting even more pressure on her if she doesn't achieve what she wants. That is maybe partly because she is an unpredictable teen too.

I am so proud of her, but don't want to see her struggle with her own mental health or self esteem in the future if she can't meet her own high expectations. Hopefully, like you, she will find coping mechanisms as she matures.

OP posts:
GNfan · 25/06/2022 07:43

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BotCrossHuns · 25/06/2022 07:30

This was me as a teen. What didn't help was people telling me to slow down, fail, that it didn't matter what I got, etc etc. I was a perfectionist for me, and it did matter to me. The more I'd be told things like that, the more I'd feel that people didn't understand me, and feel isolated.

I had to discover for myself that being a perfectionist was problematic. Other people telling me that did not help. I would have prefered if people just listened, if I said I was disappointed at losing marks on something, etc - they could say, oh it's a shame you're disappointed, well done for working so hard, and then leave it at that. Not, but 97 is very good, you should be proud of that, other people would be proud of that, look on the positive side, etc etc. Those would have driven me underground with being a perfectionist, trying to pretend to be positive but secretly unhappy with it.

I did get better as I got older, and found ways of coping. I am still a perfectionist in some things, but not in a way that totally affects my self esteem, as in I don't think I'm a terrible person if I didn't get something perfect. It doesn't mean I'm not still disappointed, though, and I think that's OK - sometimes that is just how people are, and it's not something 'wrong' with them, as long as they can learn to put it in perspective.