How to help my pc game addicted child?

But I'm still trying to arrange playdate for her. I will try harder

She's really too old to have a parent arranging playdates. Certainly once she gets to secondary school, she and her mates will be making their own arrangements.

Is her secondary school near enough for her and her friends to pop into each others houses on the way home? Or stop off for a milkshake or look round the shops? Those are all activities which will develop naturally as she gets older and provide alternatives to screen time.

You need some after school activities or childcare for her TBH. The screens are a red herring here.

I do get it because I WFH and have similar with my DC between 3.30pm and 5pm. But I have two DC and they play with each other. They also have friends in the street and play with them in the afternoon after school. DH and I are always finished work by 5.30pm (DH is usually 4.30pm) I do let my kids largely entertain themselves until tea time. But then after 6pm I am sending them to go and play or doing something with them.

I think you need to either find something for her to do after school and then let her game after tea or make sure you or DH are completely finished with work by 6pm to give her your full attention. It's not fair to remove what she enjoys and just expect her to entertain herself all afternoon and evening.

My DD is 11 and an only child so I know where you're coming from. We have a rule of no devices Monday to Thursday night, luckily that was suggested to me by her best friends mum so she accepted it pretty easily knowing she wasn't alone. She could use her phone to check messages and emails, but no watching or playing anything. We do the same (until she's gone to bed at least 😄).

She doesn't finish school until 5pm and then she's usually in a sports club until 6pm so by the time she's come home, had dinner, had a shower, sorted out her bag for tomorrow it's not far off bed time anyway. She can use Alexa so she'll listen to an audiobook, music, or practice her instrument with free evening time.

Friday night is movie night for the family so while that's screen time it's also family time.

Weekends she can use her phone and play games all she wants but I let her know on Saturday and Sunday roughly what we're doing that day, if we're going out somewhere and tell her it's up to her how she manages the rest of her time. We try and meet up somewhere with family or a school friend just to get out the house.

Also, not all screen time is the equal. I really don't mind her playing games like Fortnite, especially if it's in a squad with her friends, it's great to hear them all chatting and organising themselves. Watching video games is another story, I can't stand these YouTubers and when I see it I'll try and distract or ask to play a 2 player game or something with me.

...and I didn't see you mention it but if she's on social media then absolutely cut that out and block it from the router. There's never a time for that.

Tldr: restrict school nights, sign up to after school clubs, fill up the weekend with going out, let her play in any time she finds in between. No social media.

@AlwaysCheck
Could she go home with a friend more often? Sometimes parents are ok with this until around 5.30 pm. I am surprised she’s not invited anywhere. It’s a bit late for after school club now but you need to think about her activities after school when she’s at secondary. What time is she coming home and when will she do her homework? She will
have it in September. You probably need to think about the holidays too. Can she spend time with friends? I can see she’s starting again in Sept so she’ll make new friends I hope.

Most DC want to speak to an adult after school and have tea. No parent or adult being available is not fair on her. Just providing a screen is asking for trouble and now the OP has it. DC don’t want to entertain themselves for 2 hours a day after school. That’s 10 hours a week. She’s missing stimulation from parents and friends and other adults. It’s not acceptable because she won’t make friends. At this age my DC were having swimming lessons, music lessons and dance after school. Plus a few other things! Certainly seeing friends. Doing homework too. I think lack of conversation and substituting a computer doesn’t work. She needs to do more with her time and not on her own every day.

I am normally an advocate for cold turkey but if she has 2 hours a day just stuck by herself with no one to talk to, that seems quite mean.

They say that the antidote to addiction is connection. Could either you or DH timetable 15 mins into your afternoon to talk to her as soon as she gets home from school? If she's had a bit of a brain dump about her day she might feel a whole lot better. Alternatively could you and DH timetable for one of you to finish reliably at say 5.30 even if that means doing a bit of work after dinner or starting work earlier? Then at 5.30 her screen comes off for the evening too and you do stuff together. Even if it's watching TV, there's a connection.

Think about whether there are any threads you can pull on from lockdown and if it is really "screens bad, analogue good" or a bit more nuanced. Would you be happy with her watching documentaries, or a drama series, drawing cartoons from YouTube tutorials, making stop motion films with Lego, playing chess online? Personally I wouldn't worry too much if she is on screens from 4-6, it's more about making the rest of the time count.

If you do go for screen limits when she is by herself, brainstorm activity ideas with her and put a list up on the wall. Has she got any craft kits she's never opened? Gather them somewhere accessible. If she fancies trying diamond art maybe buy her a set. If she fancies baking, get some ingredients, so that everything on her list is actually achievable to her. I like logic problem books sold like magazines, but I'm not sure they're much better than playing games on phones really!

You need to take it away.

And also she’s an 11 year old without many friends. Removing her computer and going ‘cold turkey’ because you think she’s playing it too much is just so unnecessarily harsh. No wonder she wants someone to do puzzles with her, she must be feeling all alone. My 11 year old often texts friends and goes out with them every weekend. He also sees his other friends at karate and football several times a week. Kids need friends and peers - if you were 11 and your mum removed your favourite game completely because she’s the boss and the parent would you honestly be happy to sit alone doing puzzles every night?

I don’t think removing all devices is a helpful suggestion. All it’s likely to do Ian make her feel even more miserable and bored.

She’s 11 and not a baby, have a conversation with her. Make it an open dialogue and not a dictatorship.Tell her you’re worried she’s spending way too much time gaming and that’s not good for anyone. Set a time she can use them so she can look forward to that. Maybe a set aside time each day of an hour/two hours.

Then ask her what she’s like to do when she’s not using the computer. Does she feel bored? Is there any project she’d like to try? My son is 11 and we build Lego models together. We always have one on the go. Often when I’m doing bedtime with his little siblings he’ll work on it then I’ll come when they’re asleep and we can both do it. It’s nice because he can do bits alone when he’s bored but its still like our ‘thing’ that we can chat about and do together too.

She sounds bored and thus addicted to screens to escape boredom and loneliness.
At Yr6 I don't know any kids that want family time alone just with them and parents. They are hanging out with a group of mates / having sleepovers etc.

You need to sort this before high school or she'll make zero friends there.
Send her to to afterschool club or stop work when she sets home.
You can't expect a Yr6 to do puzzles alone whilst you work. She's alone & bored.
Sign her up for stuff and make her try it.
You say play dates in holidays. In year 6 it's normal for kids to hang out with mates independently afterschool school most days at local state schools.

Plus it’s okay to be the ‘bad guy’ sometimes, you are a parent not a friend.

‘if we force her, she would become very grumpy and argue with us for everything thus ruin the day for all of us. So I have to back down and let her be.’ She’s playing you and totally knows this will get her what she wants. Being a parent sometimes means being very firm and taking no BS. Limit screen time, let her be bored. From boredom often comes creativity, it’s not a bad thing. Ignore the grumpiness, once she knows it’s losing its effect, it will loose its power.

I had an 11 year old who was headed in this direction, and also incredibly strong willed. I knew that just cutting off the internet would be a disaster and it needed to be collaborative. I spent some time talking to them about the nature of addiction, what is happening in their body when they game all the time, the future etc. I showed them articles and papers (some quite academic) on gaming addiction etc. I also showed them relevant school policies. This also took the pressure off of me being the 'bad guy'.The upshot was they decided themselves to reduce the gaming and agreed that I should put blocks on devices etc. to help with the new boundaries (1 hour a day of any/all devices). This has worked for over a year now.

Agreed, are there no afterschool clubs? Of course if she comes home from a long day at school and you are both working in front of the computer (presumably) with no time to engage with her, she will turn to screentime as well. It sounds a bit sad to be honest. I would try to organise some playdates or enrol her in lots of afterschool clubs. Otherwise make a routine that she comes home at 4, spends 1hr doing homework / reading, then gets 1hr screentime until you finish work and then all screens off and you try to spend quality time together from 6 onwards.

I think a lot of busy working parents use screentime as their free babysitter, it is what it is and I don't blame you, but it is really not surprising that she is becoming addicted to it, she is lonely.

Try and get her into after school clubs so she’s doing homework when you are not around. She’s clearly doing what she wants because she’s not supervised. This is now important. She needs supervision.

Not exactly helpful if she's playing offline games.

What about programming? Yeah it's still in front of a screen but that might make her a bit more receptive to it, and maybe there's some kind of coding club at school or nearby she could join.

Turn the WiFi off. It’s not for her to decide!

Go cold turkey. An hour a day won't work because it won't take care of the addiction and you will just be arguing every day when the hour is over. You could say 2 hours on a Sunday afternoon as long as the whole rest of the week is free.

It might also be that she is struggling socially and using it to compensate. Could it be that either she does not reallly have friends or that they all happen to be playing computer games as well? It might be escapism / coping. I would not be surprised if screen time is used to mask the fact that there isn't really an alternative of playdates and fun awaiting her.

My DD is the same age and she does not have access to her phone - she gets it at very limited times to check on messages / talk to friends but she would never be able to scroll around on it for the whole evening. She has about 30-45min per evening to check on messages / call friends and that's it. I take it away otherwise, she only has it if she goes on a sleepover or we're driving home from sports etc.

OP: why haven’t you limited this when she was younger? She doesn’t get to dictate what she gets to do. She does need to understand addiction and what it can lead to. You now need to be a strong parent and remind her devices. Stand firm and make sure she does what you say.