Year 8 Girl very unhappy - advice please

It can be a very tough age for girls. Hence the saying “the worst year of a woman’s life is the year she is 13 the second worst is the year her daughter is13”. Even if your own kid isn’t hideous other peoples are…

We're all rooting for you and your DD, OP - please keep us posted!

Unfortunately there are unkind children everywhere and some of them will be deeply unhappy too. They might be vile now but they often improve! They are not adults and often don’t behave as adults think they should.

Sorry I shudder at the “small school” description my poor sister had 5 years of hell at primary as there were no other friendship options bar her bully and her yes men. Girls need a nice deep friendship pool so if (when) it all goes to shit they have other options.

My year 8 has had friendship issues too - some really nasty exclusionary bullying last year where the delightful new “best friend” not only ditched her entirely from the friendship group but then spread insane rumours to ensure no one else would be friends with Dd2 either. Cue previously cheerful sunny child coming home in tears walking to school alone and sitting alone at lunch.

Girls state school too but huge. Because of th ifs Dd2 has rebuilt with an entirely new gang and is now centre of a large cool group. The vile girl who was so cruel is now desperate to join 🙄 and admitted her actions were because she was “bored”.

Anyway you need to either get her out of that form or out that of the school. Nows a good time actually before gcse options choices.

Hi OP. I echo what others have said. The school sound particularly unhelpful and are fobbing you off. Change form first ASAP and as @astoundedgoat says, if not better by Easter move schools.

It's so important that your DD knows you've got her back.

School don't sound like they care at all about her wellbeing.

I'd move schools. This one sounds awful. Do it in year 8 not year 9.

In my DCs school their were certainly a number of form changes throughoutthe years , this was an 8 form per year group but still . Is their a head of pastoral care?

I could have written your post op but my dd is now in year 9. We've filled in the transfer forms for a new school but there is a big backlog apparently and it could take weeks to even hear back. Year 9 is a terrible time to move as she's chosen her gcse subjects but I can't see her so sad every day

I’m so sorry, this must be really difficult for both you as well as your poor DD 💐

Speaking from my own experience, I was badly bullied in the early years of secondary school and as a result my mum requested that I change form as that would both take me away from the bullies and also put me into a class where I had friends. The school agreed and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. The bullies were no longer interested in me after that - out of sight and out of mind - and I flourished in my new class.

Please push to move your daughter in the first instance, the fact that she already has friends in the other form is a huge plus. If you change school she will have to start all over again and there is also no guarantee that she will make friends and/or have the same issues with feeling ignored and isolated.

This resonates so deeply with me. I was that child and I was desperately unhappy for all of secondary school as a result. I'm in my 40's now and I still don't understand why my parents left me to be profoundly unhappy for six whole years, when they seemingly loved me and treated me well in every single other regard. I am still deeply affected by how unhappy and lonely I was from 11 to 17. I honestly believe it has affected my ability to make friends and relax in groups of people ever since, because I'm waiting for them to get bored of me or dislike me.

If you started a new job and 18 months in you were ignored by everybody in your office and hugely affected by it, would you stay in that job for another 5 years? Not in a billion years, right? You would change job. In fact, you'd have done it by the middle of the first year when you realised this is what that company and those colleagues are like.

You have time to fix it but you must be open minded and treat her position like you would an adult's. She has no control over the situation, but if she feels hugely unheard she might try to take control in harmful ways, or withdraw from you completely, or both.

Get her out of that form asap, and if she isn't happier by Easter, change schools. Don't be fobbed off by the school. You are her ONLY advocate, and she is so little, even if she is nearly as big as you now, and she is fully dependent on you to fix this for her. Can you afford an independent school? I would sooner home educate her than have her be so sad.

She did listen but said in her 10 years they haven't moved anyone.

As a former secondary teacher, I call bollocks on this. I think they are fobbing you off, OP. Be resolute and determined.

Interestingly we were also told no-one had ever swapped classes and they don’t mix classes until sixth form! The deputy told us it would all settle once they sorted out the hierarchy which is a bizarre idea - it’s not the jungle we’re talking about!

Anyhow good luck OP. Your poor DD - I hope it is soon sorted.

Sorry , my post wasn’t clear. He moved class. Agree with Thisislegit - it only takes a few and the rest follow. In his old class he was mainly targeted by two ‘popular’ boys. Once the other kids in the class saw how they behaved towards my son, they all ostracised him in one way or another, even the nicer kids. We discussed what class he could move to with his head of year. There was a choice of two and we looked through the names to make sure he wasn’t going to move from one difficult class to another. He is secure and happy in his new class.

Surprised there haven't been any moves before. I would push for it - there's a first time for everything after all.

I would also look at alternative school in case they won't do that.

Do they mix the classes up each September? Were they planning to mix the classes up for year 9?

I'm in the same position OP. We've done the form change but she's still very unsettled and isolated. Ive filled in the transfer forms but like you, I feel it would be difficult to make friends in a new school too, so not sure if I'm just moving one problem to another. School have been great but it's taken a lot of pushing to get to this point. I know my daughter is very unhappy, so we've agreed a plan to give things ago for another 4 weeks (with the school implementing changes), and if no change we will then move.

I did the same as @Superness with one of my lot, whose school coincidentally also had a deputy head who overdosed on positivity and wellbeing. What that actually meant was the wellbeing of the difficult children who had troubled lives apparently and therefore got a massive pass from being civil to others. I am as sympathetic as the next person but not when these few kids make the rest feel bad - it only takes a few and the rest follow. I got the same "it doesn't happen here" nonsense.
Good luck OP.

Surprising there have been no moves in ten years! Perhaps there should have been. We moved our son, six months into year seven due to low level bullying. The school were reluctant to move him so we gave it time but things didn’t improve. The difference it made to his happiness at school was almost immediate and he has continued to flourish.

How many forms are in the year group? Is there any reason to believe another class would be better, e.g. the girls in her class are particularly difficult or challenging?

Is it a local school where you might overlap at clubs such as scouts or GG? Is it very different to her primary school in terms of intake or ethos?

I'd think carefully about moving classes unless you feel you understand why this class isn't working. It may be that this school doesn't suit her for some reason: a change of class might actually erode confidence even more when a change of school might be better.

They clearly have a policy of not changing forms. Do they do 2 or 3 year GCSEs? 3 would mean changes in Sept anyway. I would see what spaces are available in other schools.

I wouldn't bother with e-mails - try and sort out a meeting or at least a call.

Do you think your daughter has been unlucky with the girls in her class ie will changing form realistically be better? I had various issues with one of mine who in the end didn't like her own form but also didn't want to move form at the point she could have done as she thought she'd been seen as a bit weird and not fit in there. Your DD might be new enough in the school for that not to be an issue though.

If your daughter is still Y8, they're unlikely to juggle the teaching groups must next year either though it does change quite a lot once they're in Y10.

It's really hard - I think I wish I'd moved mine but I'm not sure whether the issues were simply bad luck or partly that she found being with her peers at that stage tricky anyway and might have had the same issue had she moved............ but if she moved and hadn't settled, would she have been worse because she'd have thought the problem was with her rather than with the specific form. Then again, I kept saying to her that the next year would probably be better and it never really was.