Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

Year 8 Girl very unhappy - advice please

116 replies

Ichangedmynameonce · 17/03/2022 10:05

My daughter is in year 8 at a small state girls school.

She has always been happy and made friends easily, but since moving to secondary, she hasn't really made any friends the situation has rapidly deteriorated and she is incredibly unhappy.

She was the subject of some horrible remarks from other girls early this year.
We spoke to head of Year, who spoke to girls involved and it stopped. But now my daughter is left on her own and mostly ignored. She doesnt think theres a plan to ignore her, more that everyone is indifferent to her. They speak back to her briefly if she speaks to them.

I've been in touch again with head of year- I emailed her which she didnt respond to, then mailed her again after a week, again no response- so we phoned her and spoke to her. She doesn't seem to understand how unhappy DD is.

Head of year said she was "struggling " to suggest what school can do, but said she'd speak to DD last Monday. She did this, but with 2 other teachers who were eating their lunch in the room. She (according to DD) stressed that she has to go to school.

So, with the advice of an acquaintance who is a governor there, I've now emailed the deputy head who is apparently very hot on mental health and wellbeing and currently waiting for response.

I am sure we are on a path to school refusal unless something changes. Each morning and evening DD barely speaks,,cries about school and constantly asks "what's the point of going to be ignored for 7 hours?"

Just for context, she does outside activities which she loves and has lots of friends at. She has some friends in another form, but can only spend limited time with them and feels that if she keeps going into their class she is a bit of a hanger on.

She was so happy previously and we can see her changing before our eyes. I'm frightened that this is going to start to define her as she is so young. And that she will start to hate us and stop talking to us, as we are making her go.

She/ we have done all that they have so far suggested (join clubs, school play etc) but nothing changed.

Can I ask that she moves forms? It's a tiny school, all classrooms set up for a specific no. Of girls so doubt they can do this..

Would really welcome advice. Thank you

Leaving now for work but will read any responses later

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 19/03/2022 08:27

Also We found it can turn on a sixpence as well. A happy confident girl can suddenly turn miserable over the course of a week and a sad girl finds two new pals in French one Tuesday. and is suddenly happy again. Leaving the parent a wreck!

Also this generation seem to tell us stuff which is lovely but then it’s on our shoulders! My mother was blissfully unaware of my teen friendship issues she would have told people if asked I was fine when I was crying myself to sleep as my best friend had turned (temporarily) against me. Honestly it’s a developmental stage but flipping tough on parents!

TizerorFizz · 19/03/2022 08:19

@Ichangedmynameonce
I would give the seating a chance. If 2 girls are the problem, it could mean 25 others might be ok. They have also been spoken to so some DC might now understand that it’s not ok to isolate a someone.,Definitely review how she gets on.

Arucanafeather · 19/03/2022 07:56

I had similar. Moved schools and was so much happier.

Darbs76 · 19/03/2022 07:48

I’d be pushing heavily for her to change forms. Hope that will help things for her

Original poster
Ichangedmynameonce · 18/03/2022 22:27

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the messages, bit of a hectic afternoon so I haven't had chance to reply yet.

Deputy head is going to move the seating plans for all lessons and speak to some girls who there was some unpleasantness with earlier in year. Not sure about the second bit, as I thought that had all passed.

To be honest DD came home pleased. She felt like the woman listened and cared so that's a good start. We are so shattered from this (and work, and 2 other DC, like everyone else!) so going to sleep on it and see how we feel over weekend.

I think we will give the new seating a chance for a week and then get back asking to move her.

Thanks everyone, so much

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 18/03/2022 20:21

I was this girl. It didn’t get better and I moved in year 10. Really hope your DD is ok.

SouthernFashionista · 18/03/2022 20:12

No advice really as you’ve been given some good pointers but just wanted to wish you well. I have a DD the same age and it can be so difficult at this age. Breaks my heart to think of the other girls being indifferent to your DD - I’m sure she has so much to offer. I really hope things turn around quickly. Very best of luck Flowers

Beamur · 18/03/2022 20:05

My DD was really struggling in yr8. Low level bullying from boys mostly. Covid could not have come at a better time.
School rejigs forms in yr9 and it's been brilliant for her. Much much happier.
My DSC (good few years older) also commented that their experience at school improved hugely from yr9.

TizerorFizz · 18/03/2022 20:01

Year 8 can be an issue with girls. They are beginning yo find their position in life. The two “top dogs” already have. The “wannabes” are following and the others are lost. We found gcse subjects altered this. Forms had less impotence. Who wax doing what subjects mattered more. Sets made a difference too.

PrisonerofZeroCovid · 18/03/2022 19:59

My DC's school mixes forms every two years as a matter of course and reserves the right to mix every year if they deem it necessary. I think it's an excellent policy as it enables them to break up toxic cliques/ controlling friendships, rebalance for personalities/ ability and ensure that everyone has a friend in their form. Have to say I'd love to be a fly on the wall in those discussions but the outcomes indicate that the teachers know the children very well. I do wonder why it's not a more common practice.

Really hope it works out for your DD, OP. If the form move isn't forthcoming I would definitely consider a school move.

user1471443411 · 18/03/2022 17:24

I'd definitely try moving classes first, you've nothing to lose. But then, what does your daughter want to do? If she wants to move schools, I'd do that while she's still quite young - if you can find a suitable school. The other option is home education, given you've said she has other friends and activities outside of school, but obviously this isn't an easy option.
My dd2 had similar and wanted to move schools in year 9, however the school she wanted to move to didn't have spaces (hardly any did) and I would have been reluctant to move her anyway, the situation could have become a lot worse. She didn't want to be home educated either. So she stayed at her school, and it was the right choice for her, the school is now an academy and she has a nice group of friends.

camdenish · 18/03/2022 16:58

I have private messaged you.

this website may help notfineinschool.co.uk/

JadeJeans · 18/03/2022 16:56

@MaitreKarlsson

TBH 13 sounds late. My DD is 10 and her hormones are in full throttle, as are many of her friends'.Hmm
DD us turned 12 and she can be sensitive and moody and rude with a short fuse at home. But no period yet, does the worst kick in once they get their period?
MaitreKarlsson · 18/03/2022 16:45

TBH 13 sounds late. My DD is 10 and her hormones are in full throttle, as are many of her friends'.Hmm

MsTSwift · 18/03/2022 15:40

Both of mine currently have a good friend who is in a stroppy huff for reasons they will not disclose 🙄

MsTSwift · 18/03/2022 15:39

Hormones kick in / they want more independence but aren’t quite ready for it / they are finding their place socially and developmentally/ school work not too intense so lots of time for drama.

Even if your own child is ok other kids (so their peers) are a bloody nightmare!

JadeJeans · 18/03/2022 14:56

It can be a very tough age for girls. Hence the saying “the worst year of a woman’s life is the year she is 13 the second worst is the year her daughter is13”. Even if your own kid isn’t hideous other peoples are…

OMG, I am bracing myself. What happens at 13?

Original poster
Ichangedmynameonce · 18/03/2022 14:51

Thank you @MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig good to hear the right terms to say, like duty of care.

If anyone else can advise on how to frame our request that would be great. Thank you

OP posts:
MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 18/03/2022 14:46

I’m so sorry you’re all going through this. Some kids are just absolute bastards to others. My eldest was deeply unhappy in year 8. Her so-called friends abandoned her and left her on her own most of the time. Then lockdown hit and she didn’t have to go back to school for the rest of that year. The next year the classes changed and she made new friends and is now perfectly happy. If the school won’t let your dd move forms please do tell them in no uncertain terms that they have failed in their duty of care to your daughter and you will be moving her. They need to give her the chance to try another form. Bollocks to whether they’ve done it before or not, that’s irrelevant. It is a perfectly valid option.

Original poster
Ichangedmynameonce · 18/03/2022 14:40

*sorry for typos

OP posts:
Original poster
Ichangedmynameonce · 18/03/2022 14:39

Thanks so much everyone, its do helpful to hear we aren't being unreasonable in wanting to move her.

Am waiting for DD to tell us what deputy head said when she gets home.

If its unhelpful, we will formally request to her (deputy head) that DD is moved. School is small state voluntary aided - don't want to say too much detail as its outing.

Deputy head is ultimately responsible for pastoral care I think. If she says no, how do we push (as its voluntary aided) is ot writing to governors? If they say no thats the end of the road I guess?

But also, might be weeks or more before they meet and thats weeks of despair for DD.

Will feedback later tonight. Thank you so much, so helpful to hear all your comments and to know we aren't being hysterical.

OP posts:
astoundedgoat · 18/03/2022 14:21

@MsTSwift

Although an internal snigger at the suggestion to go private to avoid bullying!
I have experience of both state and private schools for my kids, and of course I know there's bullying wherever you go. Hmm

My point was that with the budget for a private school then suddenly the pool of available alternatives for the OP's daughter becomes significantly larger, as well as potentially being a bit more flexible/swift for transferring in.

Where I am there are 4 state secondaries and 4 further private schools within striking distance. That's a lot of choice for a 13 year having a shit time where she is now.

ThisAintLegit · 18/03/2022 14:13

@MsTSwift

It can be a very tough age for girls. Hence the saying “the worst year of a woman’s life is the year she is 13 the second worst is the year her daughter is13”. Even if your own kid isn’t hideous other peoples are…
So true..
Imaysnapandfart · 18/03/2022 13:06

Just wanted to echo everyone else here - do push for a form change and if they stonewall you, then start the process to moving to a new school. Your poor DD, I really feel for her. My DD starts secondary school this September and it would break my heart if this happened to her.

Hope it all works out for you Flowers

MsTSwift · 18/03/2022 12:57

Although an internal snigger at the suggestion to go private to avoid bullying!

Swipe left for the next trending thread