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Original poster

unhappy dd year 7 advice please

33 replies

smartiejake · 03/01/2008 21:31

You may remember a previous post from me about dd in year 7 and the problems she is having with one particular girl in her year who has been sending nasty MSN and text messages. DD goes to a private school which SHE chose althpough her friends went to other schools.
The school have spoken to the girl and her little hench men and things seemed ok on the last day of term.

Nasty MSN messages continued into the holidays until it came to a head on Christmas eve when my dh sent this girl a text message saying that it had better stop or we would be showing them to her parents and the school.
5 hrs later dh gets an irrate call from nasty girl's father saying how dare he threaten his little darling and that he had evidence that it was a 50/50 thing and that all his dds friends would back her up. Of course she had had 5 hours to call all her friends and doctor MSN messages putting my dd in the wrong.(I know this because I was there at the time said MSN messages were sent and I know what my dd replied.)

We have had a terrible few weeks with dd tears, everyone hates me etc.

Problem is that being a private school there are not many girls to choose from in the way of friends and 2 of the girls dd likes are also friends of nasty.
We are going into the school next week to speak to head but not really sure if this prob can be resolved. We have just paid £3k for this terms fees and she is saying she's not sure if she wants to go back.
Not sure what to do and if she did move schools where she would go.
She has loads of other friends from dancing and from her old school who she sees all the time but no matter how good a school is (and her school IS VERY GOOD)is it worth persisting with if she is so unhappy. What would you wise guys do?

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Bridie3 · 11/01/2008 10:56

It seems that things are moving in a positive direction in more than one front!

wotz · 10/01/2008 23:58

that's good news

Original poster
smartiejake · 10/01/2008 23:56

Quick update-Well DD went back today. The year 7 counsellor got the two of them together and had a chat. DD said she was very good and she definitely got the impression that teacher was on her side. Nasty also (of her own accord) apologised to dd and admitted that she had been banned from using MSN from a month by her mum! So although the father made alot of noise at the time they obviously realised she had behaved badly and punished her accordingly.
DD came out of school quite bouncy especially as she had been moved up to the top maths set! (Always in the bottom or lower sets at junior school)Hope it continues as I SOOO want her to stay at this school.

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Ubergeekian · 10/01/2008 07:39

Are the nasty girl's parents also nasty? I know her father is a bit pissed-off - but that might not be an unnatural first reaction to a grown man sending cross text messages to a 12 year old girl.

I wonder if there would be any scope in asking to meet them for a summit cup of coffee - "Our girls have obviously got a problem between them, they probably aren't going to be best friends ever but can we help to soothe things down between us?" - that sort of thing?

Bridie3 · 09/01/2008 16:26

I HATE MSN. My Yr 4 daughter has already experienced ganging up from a group of girls
and I'm so glad that new Christmas presents have distracted her away from it.

Glad this seems to be going better for you now.

kittylouise · 09/01/2008 16:18

Poor you - have had a very similar thing with dd (also year 7) getting nasty msn messages from a spiteful girl just before Xhristmas. DD didn't want to go to school etc.

I got the school involved straight away (felt like I was over-reacting at the time but turned out not to be the case). The school was incredibly supportive and really looked out for dd, also emphasised to the other girl thatt his kind of behaviour (even though it was outside of school) was not to be tolerated at all. School really monitored what was going on and gave regular feedback.

DD was very nervous about going back after Christmas, however one thing that was in her favour was that all the class sets were, well, set, and she is no longer in every class with this other girl. Also, due to the school's encouragement, dd has joined other activities and therefore has made other friends which has boosted her confidence.

Also, in the midst of all this, I emphasised that dd did not deserve such treatment, and if this girl was being so vile did she really want her friendship (dd was very upset at losing this, her former best friend). I think that helps with her confiddence that she knows that she acted well and didn't behave horribly.

I think that it is far too early for you to pull her out of the school really (even though I DO know how upsetting this all is). Just ensure that the school is being supportive about everything, keep them posted about what is going on (and expect the same high level of communication from them, too). Your dd knows that you are supporting her and care for her, and it WILL give her confidence to ride through something like this. Bless her though.

hi seeker, how is your dd, has she settled back into school or is everything still going on?

Original poster
smartiejake · 09/01/2008 16:05

In the light of dd going back to school tomorrow I have had quite a long conversation with the year 7 counsellor today.
I am so impressed she seems to know dd to a tee and is aware of the problems that she has been having.

Told me that it was the school's policy to immediately suspend any child found to be sending abusive texts or MSN messages! Perhaps that was why the father of the other girl was so cross with DH? She suggested keeping a hard copy of any messages sent and not replyto any of them.

Anyway both girls will be spoken to tomorrow again and told about this. They will monitor the situation v. closely and if the sitution is no better within a week they will call in the parents for a meeting.
Feel so much better now I have spoken to someone about it and really feel that something will be done as the school just does not put up with this sort of behaviour.
Thanks for all your help and advice- it really helped.

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fortyplus · 04/01/2008 12:08

I suppose you have to consider that you are only hearing one side of the story. really your daughter would have been better advised not to respond at all - she has clearly fuelled the fire.

But, hey, that's water under the bridge. The important thing is to get this sorted out.

BTW - I went to a private school myself at the same age. Only about 1 in 5 of the girls came from outside - all the others had attended the junior school so the cliques were well entrenched. Of course the 'banter' was all face to face in tose days - no such thing as computers, msn or texts in 1972!

It took me far longer than just one term to settle in, but I ended up with some great friends.

Original poster
smartiejake · 04/01/2008 11:57

The evidence the other father has is alledged MSN messages (and as I said I have seen all the ones between my dd and nasty and there is no way it can be misconstrued as 50/50 which leads me to believe this girl has cut and pasted things in to the msn message board as I believe this is really easy to do.)and Nasty said her friends would testify to dd being horrid to her at school (and yes they have all been friends for a long time as were in the junior dept of this school together as it's a 3-16 school.)

I suppose I could be wrong but as far as I know dd has simply been defending herself from nasty's comments. DD is the sort of girl who just wants to get on with people- she's very loyal and believes in sticking up for what she knows is right. Many of her retaliations in the msn messages have been asking why nasty doesn't like her and what did she ever do to be hated so much.

I do intend to contact the school in the early part of next week (they go back on Thursday) so we can try to sort this out before or on the day they go back.

fortyplus-I am also with you about no punishments from what HAS happened just for it to stop from now on.

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fortyplus · 04/01/2008 10:57

A friend's daughter went through exactly this when she moved to a private school in yr 6 - the rest of them were an established group.

The texts were unbelievable - suggesting she should kill herself as she was so worthless, etc.

However... my friend didn't take her out of the school. She persuaded her daughter that it was the bullies that had the problem, not her, and that she should just try to carry on as normal with help from the school.

The other girl's father is way out of order phoning you at home - how very unprofessional of him. You must immediately raise this with the school - preferably now rather than waithing until they go back, so that the school has a strategy for dealing with it. You can do what my friend did and make it clear that you're not asking for the girls to be disciplined for what they have already done - that a line must be drawn and there must be no recurrence.

Friend's daughter is in yr 11 now and has been very happy at school ever since. the 'ringleader' is now one of her best friends - it's just all about the girls sorting out the 'pecking order' and inevitably petty jealousies arise.

hippipotami · 04/01/2008 10:42

Why did the other girl from dd's form move sideways recently? Was it also because of 'nasty' and her gang?
If so, that gives you a huge amount of leverage with the school as it shows that this girl is indeed a trouble maker/nasty piece of work.

chopchopbusybusy · 04/01/2008 10:30

I'd have a firm chat with the headteacher. Make sure she knows about the phone call from the other father too. What firm evidence did he have that it was a 50/50 thing? As for it not being possible for a sideways move - I think it's up to the school to make that possible. If all the other girls in your daughter's form are in the same little clique it may not be such a bad thing to have a bit of a shake up and move them around.

Original poster
smartiejake · 04/01/2008 10:00

No we didn't take the situation to the head as the year group counsellor sorted it out. Problem is all action has been very short lived.
As for moving sideways- another girl in dds form did that recently and dd thinks it's full (they restrict numbers to 18 in each form) so not sure that would be an option.

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seeker · 04/01/2008 08:47

Sorry - forgot to say I sympathize - I have an unhappy year 7 too. Maybe we should start a special topic for Year 7 parents!

seeker · 04/01/2008 08:46

I am surprised that the school hasn't taken more action, actually - if I remember correctly you took the issue to the Head halfway through last term. What did the school agree to do when ou spoke to them?

Hassled · 04/01/2008 08:30

Is there more than one Year 7 class - coud she move sideways?

Original poster
smartiejake · 04/01/2008 08:26

Yes I am inclined to stick it out for a bit longer.
As for the sleepovers and cinema for the nicer girls- we have been trying that this holiday but they have all said they can't do it/ busy etc.. (Kids come from a wide area to go to this school so most are not local.)

This may be true but we think the nasty one has got to them. Prob is there are only 6 girls in her class. One is a tom boy who only socialises with the boys and the others are nasty's gang.

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Hassled · 04/01/2008 08:17

Can you agree with DD that you stick it out for a set period - maybe another term, and then look at the stuation again? Year 7 is wretched for girls - all those hormones surging around. My daughter was miserable during that period, although the girl who gave her the most grief back then is one of her closest friends (they're 18 now). DD has obviously forgiven her but I stil remember the cow of an 11 year old she was and find it hard to be civil.
So maybe ride it out for a while longer and spend that time doing everythin you can to promote friendships with the "nice" girls in the class - hae sleepovers, cinema trips, that sort of thing.

Original poster
smartiejake · 04/01/2008 08:09

bump

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Original poster
smartiejake · 04/01/2008 00:44

This is the problem. We have always taught dd to stick up for herself. So naturally she retaliates( although most of her replies have been" why are you being so mean to me?")
I have had a hard time over the last few weeks persuading her that if we want to have real ammo against nasty and her little frinds she must not send anything back.

DH feels very guilty I think as he thought that most 11 year olds would be so shocked at a threat to tell parents and school (strict private school at that) that she would not tell anyone and just stop. He didn't reckon on her deviousness . We can perhaps console ourselves with the fact that if nasty is like this at 11 what fecking hell she will give dear mama and papa as a teen!

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wotz · 04/01/2008 00:34

It is cyberbullying and the school should have a policy to follow.

Get yor dd a new contract and number, tell her not to give it to any of the girls at school. You keep the old phone. If you need to give it to the school when more texts come.

Don't text her back, dont let your DH text her back again.

Original poster
smartiejake · 04/01/2008 00:28

dd has blocked the nasty one since christmas eve but the one thing that nasty's father and DH did agree on is that they were forbidden to send any messages this way anyway.

It's not so much the nasty one but her hench men who are now going to be the problem. They are very much under her control as perhaps afraid of coming under same treatment as my dd. Two of them seem to want to be her friend. Why are girls so bloody disloyal?

Nasty is a very controlling brat. When dd first started year 7 we had the pleasure of this horrid child for a sleepover and she spent all her time trying to tell ME what to do! Obviously she is greatly indulged and has her parents and other girls wrapped round her little finger.

Glad she is not within cattle prod distance. Keep imagining her with hair all frizzy!

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WendyWeber · 04/01/2008 00:02

Why haven't you/she blocked the nasty ones from contacting her on MSN/phone?

Original poster
smartiejake · 03/01/2008 23:47

No the £3k is not really the issue. We would write this off but as Quattro centro and ggirl said year 7 is shitola and perhaps a bit premature to move her just yet.

I really like the school- really caring and the head is fab but even so will dd really be able to make proper real friends who have just been threatened not to be horrid?

Home ed is not really an option as, although I am a teacher I do work part time.
Other prob is- friends at other school have all had time to make new friends and the private school pupils often come in for teasing and nasty comments from pupils at this school.
Would I just be setting her up for more of the same?

DH is little support to me over this as he is VERY close to her and gets VERY upset when she has friend problems. He has a very stressful job and is almost as much of an ostrich as I am.
Feel very alone at mo and don't know what to do but don't want to do anything rash.

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differentYearbutthesamecack · 03/01/2008 23:35

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.