How to feel more positive about DC not getting first choice school

My DH and I were both at top academic boarding schools. We actively chose our local comp for our brood because it seemed like a happy, joyous place to spend a childhood (and yes, teens are still children in my book, the brain doesn’t become adult until 24 according to the latest research.) They are slowly and happily becoming their own individuals in a school that embraces this rather than tries to mould a certain type. They are lovely to spend time with, interested in the world, pursuing a range of hobbies, have lovely friends and do well in academically.
At the same age I had severe anorexia and anxiety, my DH had a burgeoning drug problem.

Not sure if you’re in the same area as us, but we have super selective grammars with a very clear pecking order and privates with two schools (a boys and girls) considered a cut above the rest. It’s all nonsense really!

Dd didn’t get one of the ‘best’ grammars but she did get a bursary for the top private. Now she’s moved for sixth form to one of the highly regarded grammars. Ds only got into the grammar that people think is the ‘worst’. Kids from the prep schools avoid it - it’s either top grammar or private for them.

His school is fantastic. There’s a really stable staff (I think maybe 3 teachers have left in his five years there), a very good senior leadership team who are totally on top of behaviour and lots of good teachers. Honestly I much prefer it to the better regarded grammar that dd is at.

I’m sure they’d have been fine at a decent comp too.

You set out to get something you wanted because you thought it was the best - of course you feel deflated. But you are also a rational person: this may not be the place you first envisaged but it does not mean it is not going to turn out to be a great school for them. It also does not mean your child will be locked up in there for seven years if it turns out to be the wrong place; you can get them out and look for alternatives, even if I know that is not necessarily straightforward.

I am quite sceptical about secure pathways to greatness or the precise location of stepping stones along the way. I feel that nothing is really guaranteed for anyone and lots of factors come into play. People talk schools up or down for all sorts of reasons, often in general ways which do not map into every child and certainly not every experience in the same way. None of us really has a clue as to how the fantastic/good/not so good/ok/concerning/pressurising/nurturing/(insert adjective of choice) school our children just got into is really going to pan out for them. All those terms are relative and mean different things to different people in any case.

Take a deep breath. Encourage and support your child. Hope for the best. Look for alternatives if it is not working out.

You wanted what you believed to be the 'best' for your DC, the same as any good parent, there's many interpretations of what's 'best'.

You sound invested enough to ensure he's a success no matter what school your DC went to, and although not first choice, DC is in a good school, so no catastrophe.

We don't have grammar schools in my bit of England. We can't afford private. We get the local comp or nothing. We have no choice. I'm lucky because DD is thriving but choice is illusion for the majority. Focus on the important stuff like enjoying raising a happy child and let the education he's been lucky enough to be offered do its job.

In the nicest way, you sound a bit pushy and I think some people can be in danger of getting a bit obsessive about which school their kids go to!

I went to a good private school and achieved nothing for various reasons. I know absolutely heaps of people who went to bog standard state schools and are really successful. Family support is one of the biggest factors imo of people who achieve a lot.

This makes me glad we live in Scotland where everyone generally just goes to the nearest high school to their house. You can pay for private obviously, but I don't personally know anyone who has. It's a lot less stressful of a system.

Anyway OP, a cautionary tale for you - my cousin (England) got into the fancy first choice school, she got amazing grades and was on the path to oxbridge, she is really really bright. Anyway, pressure pressure pressure and it all fell apart. She did ok in the end, but nothing like what was predicted and although she did get into uni (not oxbridge) she got pregnant in the first year, dropped out and literally got a job at McDonald's. The funny thing is, she was obviously still really bright and now has a fabulous senior job with McDonald's, but it wasn't the future her parents expected and they dealt with it all quite badly at the time.

I've always thought about this when I get a bit pushy with my children. It's easy to get caught up in academic achievements being the be all and end all, but putting the pressure on a child can also have the opposite effect and cause them to burn out.

If he's bright and works hard, he will do well wherever he goes and at whatever he decides to do. That cousin of mine has a way better job than I do, and I have two degrees from an RG university. Because I'm lazy and she's bright and works hard and would have thrived anywhere, and accomplished all that despite the pressure her parents put on her, not because of it.

You need to focus on which is the right school for your child rather than the best school especially if they have SEN. DS got an offer from a top independent academic school but it was evident in the whole selection process that they didn’t fully understand his SEN. We opted for a lesser academic school but a school known for its pastoral support and the head of SEN seemed great and he is now in year 8 and thriving.

For some perspective, the 'choice' for my DC was,
Nearest school an 'Excellent' Faith school, we are not of the correct denomination,
Second closest school in special measures,
Third closest school needing significant improvement,
Moving house, for grammar we'd have to move to England.

Even if you get to oxbridge there’s a chance you end up a shameful dullard - the current PM and cabinet are not the best advert for highly selective education are they?!

Your child has got a place at a good school. That's brilliant.
The school selection process is pretty crude really. The difference in getting a place on the margin of the cut off will be a point or two.
Let go your feelings about missing the preferred school, it is what it is. This probably is the right place for him. Be positive, embrace where you're at and allow him to grow and be himself.

and yet still did very well

“And yet”?

OP, think about this mind set that you are in before you do some damage to your DC’s confidence and self esteem.

You were immensely privileged to go to a private school.

The vast majority of schools results simply reflect the overall cohort. Individual students do as well as their own ability and attitude allows, wherever they are, if they have support from home. Children go to state comprehensives ‘and yet’ do extremely well. You know?

Your disappointment at not getting your top choices is surely to do with ‘losing’ in a competitive process. You have no business competing via your Dc.

Support your child to fulfill their potential, do their best and, most importantly, be happy.

They have done incredibly well anyway to get through numerous competitive processes. Celebrate your child for who they are.

Think about the implications, from your child’s POV, of your sulk!

Far better that your child is in the right school for them and that they are happy and confident.

DH and I were both very academic kids that got scholarships, super-selective secondaries, Oxbridge etc etc and we were also both pretty miserable for most of those years.

Expected to have a child who would be exactly like us. Instead we have DD who is severely dyslexic, high IQ but zero interest in anything academic and I'm 90% certain will not want to even go to university. None of the schools we had daydreamed about when she was tiny would have suited her, but she's now at a state comprehensive that is totally right for her in every way and completely supports her very specific interests and ambitions. Best of all, she's an incredibly happy and confident child in a way that DH and I could only have dreamed of.

Take time to deal with your own feelings, but then look for all the positives.

DS is now in Y11 of an excellent school. When he started in Y7 he was placed in set 2 for Maths. I was rather surprised because Maths was always one of stronger subjects in primary school and he was working above his age expectations. Throughout secondary school he has stayed in set 2. However, he has always been at the top of that set and his confidence has increased massively and is predicted an 8 or 9 at GCSE this year and he is planning on doing A level Maths.

If he had been placed in the top set, he would likely have been in the middle of the set and it would have knocked his confidence.

What I am trying to say is getting into the good school will likely benefit your DS far more than the excellent school in terms of his confidence. He will probably be somewhere near the top in terms of academics, and will probably do better than if he had been placed in the excellent school.

There’s no way of knowing in advance what the right school for your child is. Basically all they know is the school they get and for the vast majority of kids that turns out to be one that works for them.

Honestly, there’s no perfect school. To a huge degree, it’s what they make if it. Your child is clearly bright, so they’re going to do well (even if it weren’t a grammar school). They’ll make friends and choose clubs and all the things that happen at secondary school.

It will all be great.

I agree with @Hersetta427. No point having him struggle to keep up if he went to a school with high achievers. Sometimes it can make a child redouble their efforts but it can be very discouraging too. There's a reason he didn't get in - and there's no logic to thinking he won't do just as well or even better where he eventually goes.
Not all kids are top scorers and thank goodness. As I keep telling my daughter's selective private school: stop thinking all the girls should be captains of industry and leaders - not all are suited to that or even want it. That doesn't mean they won't become successful and productive in other ways.

To be honest it sounds like the better options for him - if he didn't score highly enough to get a place, he may struggle to keep up or be towards the bottom of the class. Better flourish in a school more suited to him. I am sure he will do equally well. Give yourself a head wobble and get on with things - he has been offered great schools that people would love to get. Make the most of them.

Please don’t feel deflated. You said he got in very good schools. You are judging a school by its rank in league table I suppose? So did not get in a school in top 5 but in top 50 or 100? But where ever your DC got in there will be kids getting all A*s/ 8,9 or in top unis and your DC can surely be part of that pack if he is bright. This can be a blessing in disguise as well who knows if you look into the bigger picture. There were few recent posts here where parents whose kids are now in Unis or finishing school shared their experience of what is actually important to get a place in top ranking unis or to be successful. To be in top schools might work against you as opposed to in your favour. I am sure your DC will be very happy where ever he goes. Wish your DC very best of luck!!