If you went from state primary to private secondary….

I think it's a bit naive to think you can just name the school and move on. Around here, parents talk about NOTHING ELSE for about a year, and will ask you lots of detailed questions about your choices, even if they hardly know you. FWIW we found that the only negativity came from those who could have gone private but decided to go state. We earn on the lower end of the salary scale necessary to fund private education, and know quite a lot of people who earn considerably more than us but decided that they couldn't afford to go private (basically because their outgoings are much higher than ours). A couple of those parents were actually downright rude pretty frosty about our decision. Whereas the parents who were never in a financial position to consider private school were perfectly fine.

As for practicalities, I think it's useful to try to have a couple of reasons for choosing the school that aren't strictly related to the fact that it's a private school, if possible. So that if you are quizzed by other parents, you've got something fairly neutral to say (whether that's transport, or a particular sport, or something). With the children, we had a sort of mantra along the lines of 'we're lucky that there are lots of good schools around here (which is true), and different people will choose different schools for different reasons, and this is the one we chose'. I agree that it's never a good idea to start telling them their school is 'better', and I would absolutely never say to them that it's sad for other people that they can't have that choice. I know a parent who did that (genuinely thinking it was a 'nice' thing to say), and her child proceeded to tell all their friends how sad it was for them that they couldn't afford to go to the same school...

I just said X is going to ..... school. One friend is very anti private but she was positive about us doing what was right for us.

Goodness all these suggestions to explain yourself and be humble.

Just state it as matter of fact as you can with no reasons necessary and no denigrating the other parents choice.

Honestly do you feel the need to explain why your kid goes to bed at 9 or has time limits on Minecraft or other such parenting decision? Of course you bloody well don't. So don't start now.

Some parents will raise an eye. Some will say they'd never do private and try and make you feel rubbish for your choice and some will say good for you.

The important thing is you've made your decision and you are not to care what anyone else thinks. End of.

The best thing to do is:

(a) stress that you/the child is fortunate to be able to afford it, be humble about it; and
(b) narrow in on a couple of specifics that you like about the private school, e.g. class size, single sex, facilities, clubs, tell the truth.

DS is at state secondary. Some of his good primary school friends went private. None of us ever asked why they went private but some parents felt the need to explain. It seems obvious that they think their kid will get a better educational experience. If asked, just say 'We want to'. Its true, straightforward and anything else just sounds patronising.
When asked why we don't send DS private I just say I don't want to. For the same reasons. No other explanation needed.

Funnily enough the only parent who stopped speaking to me over this was someone who’s parents offered to pay for her child to go to the same Private school DD was going to but her husband wouldn’t allow it
Nobody else had a problem with it, including those who couldn’t afford it and some who could but chose not to.

Better to use the word ‘independent’ than ‘private’ probably op

I've taken the approach of not mentioning it unless asked and then saying DD is going to X. If asked anything further, it's "We think X will really suit DD." That's an honest answer without any specific judgement on our local comp.

Just say you decided X school would be better suited to your child, if asked. Do not elaborate as to why.

Don't overthink it. Your child won't hang on to those primary friendships for long.
Least said best mended is the right approach. Keep it simple and move on. Your child will - if you've made the right choice.

I think worst approach is a patronising ‘justification’ eg I would send x to y local comprehensive but know they couldn’t cope with size/grandparents have given money specifically for that purpose but I’d be perfectly happy with local comp etc etc. Just own the decision. Others parents don’t need you to make them feel ok about their decisions/options. Also pretending until last minute that their child is going to local comp when actually there’s a private option that gets whipped out at last minute. Sensing a parent is embarrassed about their child going private around me would feel a bit insulting.

Agree with others - just say if asked X going to Y school as we think it's the best fit.

And don't over think or try to manage new freindships at secondary level. DD was the only person to go to her secondary school - the others were split between 2-3 others. She managed to keep the old friendships going for a couple of years then things petered out naturally as new friendships picked up.

Fwiw, friendships change hugely in y6. They all get sick of each other and are mostly ready to leave their primary friends behind and make new friends, even if they go to the same school as the primary school friends.

You are definitely overthinking this.

Conversations generally went like this:

Other parent: ‘Which school is your ds going to next. My dc is going to [1 of 3 local state schools]’
Me: ‘name of independent school’
Other parent: ‘great’

Conversation moves on to other more interesting topics. No judgment, no drama.

I would totally avoid any mention of "better" or "more fun" schools versus OK ones. For one thing year 6 children need to know its about specifics such as class sizes, facilities, single-sex vs co-ed or whatever and be involved in the decision making. For another the last thing you want is for them to have the perception of some schools just being better or worse than others. So "best for you because specific reasons" rather than just better generally.

My kids are in y6 state, we don't know where everyone is going until offer day but they all know who did and passed the 11+, who has had interviews for the out of catchment faith school, who has been to interviews / sat exams at the private schools / which state schools they've applied for.

The parents NEVER SPEAK of it. It is what it is. I went from private primary to super selective. Didn't need a big conversation.

Conversation at school gates as follows:

Other parent: which school did you get for little Johnnie?

You: Johnnie has a place at Indy school

Other parent: oh! Didn't realise you were looking at that school. What's wrong with Comp School Downtheroad?

You: nothing. We've chosen Indy school as it's the best fit for Johnnie. Anyway world book day hey? I'll be glad to see the back of annoying dress up days (insert another benign conversation starter here).

Job done

If asked, you say “X is going to Y school.”

If asked why (and most people don’t, bc it’s obvious) then to the parents you say something like “X has struggled a bit the last few years, she’s so sensitive, such a pain! I’m not sure she’ll cope well with secondary school so we’re trying out smaller class sizes, maybe that’ll help her. Costs a bloody bomb though, guess there are no posh holidays on our horizon for a while!” And to your child you say “Look you know how some foods are ok but others taste better? Well that schoolyour friends are going to is ok, but we think you’ll have much more fun at this one, and we’re very lucky we can afford it, not everyone can. So don’t boast about it to your friends because we don’t want to make them sad, but this is a much nicer and more fun school.”

I think people will only take it badly if you express your assumption that their kids are somehow less fortunate than yours. That would get my back up, whereas a different choice of school wouldn't.

Impossible not to say, the conversations are about little else for months on end. We had specific reasons for our two taking this path and no one as far as I know has taken it badly, the DCs are 16 and 18 now and I'm still friendly with all the mums I got to know at primary school.

I think you're massively overthinking it. Just say "x is going to y school next year", and if they ask you why, you just say that, all things considered, it seemed like the best fit for your dc.

Don't assume that everyone else would make the same decision if they could afford it. Quite a few of dd's primary school friends went to private secondary schools. DD didn't, but not because of the finances. We just didn't think it was worth it and preferred the state option.

Some won't send their kids to private schools because they can't afford the fees. Some won't send their kids to private schools because they have moral objections to private education. Some won't send their kids to private schools because they think that would be a monumental waste of money. Best not to make any assumptions.

Don't say unless asked. When asked just say they are going to (name) school. Nothing more needs to be said. If they press for answers why. Just say its the choice we think will suit them best.