If you went from state primary to private secondary….

That's true. Though I also take the 'we just roll up our sleeves and get on with it' attitude with a bit of a pinch of salt. I suspect that if a lot of the sleeve-rolling parents you're talking about found themselves living in the pressure cooker environment of some parts of the SE, they would also end up pretty heavily invested in the question of school choice. Not all, but plenty. (Of course, some people actively choose to move to those areas, and others actively avoid them, but lots of people - us included - live where they live for work reasons, not school reasons). It's easy to say that you don't care about school choice when you don't have a school choice. (NB I'm not downplaying the massive benefits of having a choice, when some people only have one bad option.)

@opoponax exactly. MN seems to be disproportionately populated by parents from certain areas of the SE where this stuff matters errr disproportionately.
The vast majority of parents have little or no choice either financially or in actual fact due to the absence of grammars etc.
We just roll up our sleeves and get on with it. And our schools turn out plumbers and farmers and hairdressers and lawyers and academics and all the people we need to make society function. Imagine... sending your children to such a school? Unimaginable for many on these boards!

I do think attitudes to next stage schools vary greatly depending on where you live and the primary school environment. We live in London and I found Years 5 and 6 to be very strange and politicised and it wasn't just whether DC were going on to state or independent schools. It was about which selective schools kids were sitting for and more significantly getting offers from and why would someone be considering X over Y etc. All really stupid and I flatly refused to engage with any of it. However, I was cross with one situation where my DD went for a playdate and the mum tried to cross-examine her on where she would go and if she sure she hadn't had any tutoring?! It was all a bit pathetic but what was really sad was that DC who had previously been generally very sweet together started to say things that were reflective of their parents' views and friendship groups were affected. We always just said to our DC that it is not about this school being better than that school, it is more that different schools suit different children and what could be the best school for one child could be awful for another. It was clear to the leadership team that there was a detrimental impact on the year group and a letter was sent out asking parents to consider how they themselves were dealing with the 'moving up' issue and the impact of that that on their own and other children. I imagine this is quite far removed from moving up experiences elsewhere.

I'm happy to amend my remark from "no one gives a shit" to "very few people give a shit and the ones who do won't change their opinion whatever you say"

I was almost run out of town because I sent my oldest to the next secondary along!

People at the primary my dd2 was still at stopped talking to me. Turned their backs on me at the reindeer food stall and wouldn't help me put the long jump pole back on sports day!

People are obsessed with what school people are going to in my experience,

A couple of DC from my DC’s class went to a private secondary school. It’s not really a thing for the other parents it’s the same as the one or two who go to a religious school or a further away school.
Just don’t then become an expert on all that is bad with the local state school. That’s what a couple of the parents did, they didn’t stop taking about trouble on the bus or such and such happening even though they never set foot in the school.

My three DC went from state to private in secondary. A few of their friends did too but many were split between the three local state schools.

Noone said a word but were probably thinking we were being foolish as we had a sought after state secondary on our door step.

However many go to varies schools so its not an area where everyone moves together to the local secondary.

@starterset People care about the school their own child goes to. They may also have views on private school. But none of this means they want to hear OP wibbling on about why she's chosen the school she has. Even if she's talking to someone with strong anti-private views, she's not going to convince them that they're wrong or that her child is somehow a special case.

People have far less appetite for endlessly debating this stuff IRL than they do on here and far more acceptance that people simply have different views. They're asking where her child is going in case they'll have a kid at the same school, not because they start a political debate.

If its an area where the class of 30/32 kids will be split between 5/6 different schools anyway, there will be less of an issue to be going private, but if the primary class primarily all go to the same secondary, with only a handful going elsewhere, then going private will stand out.

Sorry, but this gave me a hollow laugh. Have you read the education boards on MN?! Some people do care - a lot. And not just on MN. I think it depends on the area. The more choice there is (particularly where there are selective schools in the mix), the more people will care and judge.

I agree that some parents do really care. But the ones who really get their knickers in a twist about this kind of thing are mostly the ones who end up paying for private schools anyway, or the ones who tutor their kids like mad for the 11+.

The majority of parents really don't see choosing a school as a competitive sport. Most of us just look at the available options (including private if we can afford it) and choose the best school for our own dc. We really couldn't care less what anyone else does because it doesn't matter.

We didn't go private, but sent dc1 to the grammar school in the next town over, not the comp walking distance from our house (that in an 11+ area has done a lot with a grammar stream and push to attract the children who would pass the 11+ but whos parents didn't want them to have to travel).

Some who were sending their dcs to the local school were frosty. When asked, I just said "I think it'll be a better fit for DC1." Those who've picked the 2 faith schools over the comp didn't get that reaction. The 2 going private also got no comments, but they were people who were clearly a lot richer than the rest of us and was a bit of a surprise they were using state primary school in the first place.

All the kids have kept in touch and meet up at holidays / play games online still.

First, you don;t need to say anything unless people ask. if they do ask, or if they chat assuming your DC will be at the same school as theirs, you can say, 'We're looking at a few schools, including X. Don't know if they'll get in, but if they do, we might go for it.'
Some people will drop you. I come from a fairly left wing family and one side never spoke to us again. Ever. I really toughened up quickly. You send your children to the right school for the, If it had been the local state school, that's where they'd have gone. But it was a private school and we had money set aside for it.
They don't mix with anyone from their state primary. But one reason for moving them was that the state primary had bad bullying ignored by staff and both DC were targets. Much happier at secondary and made rock solid friendships there. (Not because it was private but because it was the right school for my geeky DC)

DS went from state primary to private school. He was known to be very bright (and very nice) and no one seemed to mind. A couple of people heard he was sitting exams and followed suit. It was the HT of the Primary who sent for me and told me that he should go to private school if we could afford it.
As for staying friends with children from primary, it will only last so long. They all make new friends and develop new interests. DS carried on with scouts for a few years but eventually gave up as he had nothing in common with the other boys.

Just say the name of the school. No one gives a shit. They’re only asking in case your child is going to the same school as theirs.

They're unlikely to ask you why, I think. You don't have to justify it in any case!

Honestly, you're over thinking it. What's the worst case scenario?

Juat say the name of the school

My daughter went to a very, very small private secondary school after state primary.

If I got into a conversation about it, I just told them the truth that I didn't think she'd cope with the very large state school because of her particular personality. She is very shy and quite an "invisible" child so my hope was that she'd get more opportunities to take part in sports, drama, etc. at the private school and the teachers would get to know her better.

It wasn't even a case that I thought the private school was better (in many ways it wasn't) but I do think it was a better option for her.

So basically tell them that you think this particular school suits YOUR child better. That must be the truth otherwise you wouldn't be sending them there!

Just make sure that you don't say that whatever school your DC is going to us better - this goes for private and state. DD had a horrible time in year 6 being told the school she was going to was rubbish and the school her 2 closest friends were going to was much better. Just tell them you've chosen what you think will suit them and leave it at that.

Yeah, I think you have to accept that people will feel how they feel about it, and they're allowed to. Some people won't care, but some people will have ingrained views on private schooling and might be resentful or think you're committing a moral misdeed. They're allowed to, and you're allowed to carry on regardless.

I agree that it's best to be open and honest and not patronising, but do also prepare yourself for the possibility that some parents might be passive aggressive arseholes about it. I had comments ranging from 'oh we thought about going private but I didn't want Johnny to grow up into an entitled brat' through to 'aren't you worried that they'll be bullied because you don't ski' (seriously). You can be as nice as you like, but it's not guaranteed that everyone will be nice back.

I suppose it depends on the person. I’ve always made it clear we were going private in secondary. I was privately educated and that seems to help a bit. People aren’t surprised when I say. Around here we are very rural so at secondary lots of children go to different places for various reasons. 20% of the class are going privately for secondary. Mostly due to the lack of choice in the state system here. Some children have to travel huge distances to get to a state school.

I think, as with most things, it's best to just say what you are doing without subjecting people to performative handwringing. What would get your back up more...

a) "This year's holiday? We're going to the Maldives*. Really excited, can't wait!"

b) "This year's holiday? Um, well, actually we're going to the Maldives.... We're really lucky, we saved up for ages and my mum's given us a bit too... We don't normally go anywhere fancy... I'm sure you'll have just as nice a time camping in Wales... I'd be happy to go to Wales too but Steve was really keen to go abroad for some reason..."

(* insert desirable holiday destination, it's so long since I planned a holiday I can't even remember where fancy people go!)

stress that you/the child is fortunate to be able to afford it, be humble about it

I know you're saying to be humble but there is actually something incredibly arrogant about stressing that your child is "fortunate" enough to have options that you presume other kids don't have. It implies that the other kids are somehow "unfortunate" to have parents who can't/won't provide those opportunities.

Of course, there will be many kids whose parents cannot afford private school fees,
but it is so smug to just assume that everyone would want that for their dc anyway. Just as it would have been equally smug for me to patronisingly explain to the parents of the privately educated kids that I didn't feel the need to waste tons of money on school fees because dd was "fortunate" to be one of those kids who was going to do really well wherever she went.

I just don't know why people can't seem to grasp that not everyone agrees that private is better. If you want your dc to go to a private school, and you can afford to pay the fees, that's absolutely fine. You are the parent and probably best placed to make decisions about what is best for your child but don't go tying yourself in knots about how to break the news that you're going private to all of the pitiable plebs whose kids will be going through the state system instead. We don't see it that way, it's just another school and we don't actually care!