Any advice please dd has made no friends at High school

I remember mid way through year 7 was absolutely horrible for my DD who was also young for her age her three best friends turned on her in their quest to get with the more popular crown. DD was not into more mainstream things such as make up, fake tan, skimpy clothing, throwing herself at or running after boys and striving to be popular etc.

Hopefully the counsellor will help your DD and she will find her tribe or one or two good friends from the less popular crowd as my DD did but not until year 8.

Maybe do lots of nice things together out of school and look out for other clubs and activities inside and outside school. Some quieter kids at DD’s school help out in the library on a lunch time?

Take care its awful seeing your child so unhappy and feeling powerless x

Poor DD, seems likes there’s good advice here.
Hope things get easier for her - I think my DD is similar (immature, a bit odd, misses social cues, her teacher thinks there may be some asd traits), so following with interest.

That's so sad. My DD is Y7 a d has struggled making new friends too, although she luckily has one friend from primary school. It's so hard not knowing how to help them. Definitely speak to the school about pastoral support. Form tutor is usually a good place to start. They might be able to support her with joining some clubs. At least then she will have an activity to keep her occupied so she doesn't have to sit by herself at lunchtimes and she can hopefully get to know some people while they are occupied with an activity.

Also keep up the friendships with the younger pupils and facilitate her seeing them outside of school.

Have you considered she may be slightly on the spectrum and the autistic spectrum? Her description of herself "immature, weird and irritating" can fit this profile.

It can mean making friends is harder. It may be very mild but mild enough to cause issues in a brand new place like a big secondary school. It can be overwhelming at the start even for kids with the best social communication skills.

I have known moving school be successful in this situation - if nothing else being the new girl is an ice breaker/makes it less weird to outright ask if it's OK to join a group. But of course there are no guarantees. It sounds drastic & likely a non-starter [e.g. it might contravene one or more of LA/school etc policies] but MIGHT there be scope for dropping her down a year & starting yr 7 again at the same school as one of the younger girls who you say she gets on with?

If you knew any other parents in her form group you might discreetly say that your DD is struggling & ask if their kid would mind having her tag along for a while.

Out of school activities, especially IMO with slightly older kids, would be an excellent idea IMO.

Attending a school club alone might not be 'the done thing' but it surely beats hanging round the playground or classroom alone?

It sounds silly but it might help to try to make sure her hair & clothes etc are reasonably good/fashionable [tho definitely not OTT].

If it's a co-ed school then it MIGHT be easier for her to tag along with a group of less macho boys, boys can be on average [not always] a bit more straightforward.

I'm so sorry. DS2 had this issue and it was heartbreaking. You are doing all the right things getting her some CBT to help her process her emotions and keep them rational.

I agree with all PPs - contact HoY or form tutor and see if she can be paired up with another girl who is struggling (there will be others) or with a gentle soul who doesn't care about being cool and is happy to include her at lunch or go to a club with her.

Meanwhile, I'd organise sleepovers/movie pizza nights/ trips out with some of her younger friends. No reason not to keep those friendships going too.

Is she weird, as she says? DS2 is a bit. He's HFA and so never tries to conform with others, he just does his thing. It meant that friendships were fewer and more gradual but he does have good friends now, both from school and at uni. If she may be high functioning autistic she will need additional support. Getting it sooner rather than later will help.

I don't think moving school will necessarily help. I'm assuming she's only been at Secondary school for a term and a half. It's still relatively early days and I doubt all the friendship groups are completely set yet. Friendships at this age can be pretty fluid and ruthless, unfortunately.

I think you need to work on her meeting new people.

I know she doesn't want to go to school clubs alone but it really would be a good way to engage with new children that she maybe hasn't spoken to before. Are there any she could be persuaded to go to? Perhaps a sport where they are doing an activity without the pressure to chat? Even a homework club where there may be 1 or 2 quieter children she could work alongside.

Out of school clubs like guides/scouts, martial arts of some sort or drama (both of which could really boost confidence). The first step might be a bit nerve wracking but if she really wants to make new friends she needs to create the opportunity for that to happen.

Year head is a great place to start,
Ours encouraged DD along to a lunch time club and eventually she did go.
Is there a Guide group near you that’s not affiliated with her secondary school? Guides is a great way to make new friends outside of the pressure of school.
I feel for you OP - we are in this situation too x

I’m an ex secondary teacher. Ring and speak to the head of year. School will have seen this before abd will be invite only social groups at lunch and social skills groups she can go to or they will ask staff to tweak seating plans.

I've been in your shoes and I contacted my daughters class/form tutor. She was very understanding and put a plan into place where my daughter would have her packed lunch dinner in a class room with the other kids that didn't want to go outside. There was a lunch time club as well and after a weeks so was put with the teachers that run the lunch club as a helper. She felt ok with that as she was there for a purpose and didn't need a friend but by being there every day she naturally found a friend or two. By serving year she was fine and part of a group of 5-6 girls.

Please speak to the school and yr 7 head. They are usually very good at supporting kids who have a hard time making friends. It really is the best thing you can do now. And do it asap.

I really do sympathise. My DD is a bit older and has had very similar problems. Have you contacted the school? My DD didn't want me to but actually they have been really good. They have strategically placed her next to a couple of kinder kids and she has gradually settled a bit more. I think it's a big move and hard for a lot of kids, realistically it might take more than 6 months for her to settle in. I also think Covid has created a very odd environment at school and that hasn't helped.