Any advice please dd has made no friends at High school

I'm a year 7 tutor in s hool and this is not as uncommon as you may think. I have 2 in my class who we are strategically placing and inviting an d I have two lovely girls keeping an eye and reporting back to me so we can adjust and make changes. One has developed a new friendship with a lovely quiet lass, and one is on the periphery of a new group who had plans over half-term, so waiting to find out how that went.

There are so many things school can do, please contact head of year. We have 'the huts' where they can go during registration and break-time to meet children who are similarly struggling, and lots of lovely teachers who will change seating plans and organise lesson group.work etc.neither kids are aware they are being 'managed' so no extra stress and a confidence boost as they assume they've done it alone.

My DD is exactly the same. I'd thought independant school would do better in pastrol care hense help more in such situation. Is it true or not? As my feeling during school visit is that they prefer those social DC who is more of their type?

@Mumdiva99 thank you - that's really good to know. I'll be sure to ask, and hopefully they have something similar.

My DD we suspect has mild ASD / ADD. She does loads of clubs and just turns up on her own and keeps busy. Her school also have really good provision for anxious kids and also those struggling to find friends. But they may not realise your DD is struggling. Drop the head of Yr7 / transition an email. Ours have been brilliant

@accidentalwaffle schools in my area run short summer schools for children that may have a challenge transitioning for whatever reason. The children are normally identified by the primary schools. Ask if there is anything similar at your sons new school. The kids get used to the building before September and meet some other kids. (Last year they were for all the y7 kids as regular transition activities had been cancelled).

oh sending you a big hug first of all.

Yes, I agree that a parents' anxiety might amplify the whole stressful situation, so it's so good you're talking about it. Look after yourself and try to de-stress as much as you can, that'll give your daughter more confidence

It's great that she has friends outside school and I'd keep that up, so there's a feeling of happiness and balance throughout

When my oldest was in a similar situation in YR4 I bought a couple of American girl books (around friendships etc), that helped (and she's now a sociable and happy teen)

we also managed to laugh about ourselves and the situation, so try and keep it light

Can you email a teacher, that's another thing to do

Get chatting to some other parents (which might be tricky in secondary) but you could find a way to the other kids that way

Yes to clubs in school, and maybe even consider befriending kids she hadn't thought about before, once you have one friend you'll feel better and be able to make more friends, it's a catch 22 isn't it

I'd definitely try and get her into a better habit at school, not spending breaks in the bathrooms, maybe got to the library for starters?

Wishing you all the best for this, it will resolve

Just out of curiosity. Has she been tested for anything.

Sounds like my daughter at that age. She will find her tribe, eventually. The friends my daughter started in secondary, changed to people she hadn't known before to an even different group by the end. As you find yourself, you find people similar to you. She did a lot of activities, team sports, is a good one, as it's a team, and there is no "I" in it. So you have to communicate as one and there is then a bond built. So I would tell her, to bite the bullet and go alone to any or all clubs to see what she likes, forget about what others think. Most clubs, the teachers mix and match you about with similar people. I am very much of the elk, that if you don't want to try something as you think you won't enjoy it, do it anyway as you might be surprised. I instilled that in my kids from a very young age. Fear is a feeling, that passes, you just gotta be brave. Failure isn't bad, not to attempt it for the fear of failure, is. No one rides a bike on the first go, or learns to walk, takes a lot of falling over/off.

Her school also moved the classes about each term, if you were failing, you moved down a class, excelling, moved up, so lessons and children, were not always the same, so you ended up sitting next to different people each term, which also helped her. She ended up with like. Indeed people in relation to studying etc.

My daughter at the age of 17, was diagnosed with ADHD, as girls carry if very difficulty to boys, trouble keeping friends, stressing, feeling awkward socially, we're all signs, but we never connected the dots.

Her friendship group now, all have their own quirks, ADHd, Bi-polar, autistic, dyslexic. It's a right old bunch, but they have an understanding of being different, so don't take others quirks to heart. My daughter has a fast mouth, where brain does not engage with mouth, so she has said it, when in reality, she wishes she hadn't, or even realised she had. So her friends don't take it to heart as they know she didn't mean it, nor does she them. They are now out there loving life. Being different isn't always a bad thing.

I wish her luck on finding her tribe.

This is such helpful advice as I am worried about similar issues when DS goes to secondary school in Sept.

It's been suggested by an Ed psych that he has ASD (although we haven't gone for a diagnosis yet). He currently gets on ok at school but is always "on the edge" of groups. Included but only just, never quite making the "cut" to be included in parties and sleepovers. He'll be moving to a much bigger school with a huge range of extra-curriculars (which he's keen to try), so I'm hoping that he has a good chance of finding a friend with similar interests. But I am still very concerned about history repeating. If there was such a thing as a summer crash course on social skills, I'd be signing him up!

I love the idea of making sure than I'm his friend, even when he has no others, so I'll try to be sure to do this.

That's not odd Wordwobble .....at least doesn't seem it to me. My daughter y7 went to a cat cafe forever birthday this year. If she could have taken our cats she would!! (We only got the cats during lockdown and they are definitely her best friends).

My y7 daughter would prefer to play with kids younger who play barbies, sylvanian families etc. She's got quite down with the realisation that other girls her age don't want to do that. (We still see some younger friends so at the moment it hasn't 100% gone).

Definitely speak with the school. But also take the pressure off her. Let her know it's OK not to have hundreds of friends at school. It's OK to stay friends with her other friends. Good luck.

Yes when DD was in year 8 when asked what she wanted to do for her birthday she wanted us to go to this dog friendly cafe that did super sized hot chocolate, massive cheese scones and gave the dog some dog treats.

Sounds a bit like my son who is autistic. He had a very rocky start , he's got a couple of kids he can talk to and seems to manage. His friends are outside school and are younger than him. Talk to school they should be able to offer coping strategies. I hope your daughter can be happy. I've had to let go of my expectations of friendships for my son, he's actually pretty happy as he is.

It's OK for them to have animals as friends, to do stuff with family instead of friends etc. Just keep her spirits up, keep her active and doing stuff she enjoys. It's second best but it is way better than sinking into deep anxiety.

High functioning autistic girls have very different traits to the traditional view of autism.

Ask for a referral it can take 3 years.

In the mean time things that helped my similar daughter
Drama club
Volunteering at Beavers
Swimming and Horseriding - both solo activities but you meet others and she helps at the stables
Piano and her hobbies
Lots of love ‘just as she is and acceptance’
Books such as ‘queen bee and wanna bees’ type books to learn and help social dynamics and finding her own within that
Ask her if she wants to invite someone to the cinema if she doesn’t say fine and just take her
Do you have pets - a loving Labrador that sleeps in her room helped mine. One of mine sleeps on her bed each night - don’t knock that warm feeling and the dog is always a friend and pleased to see her. Let her to everything feeding the lot. My elder dog wouldn’t stay in her room as he is ‘mine’ and too bonded to me but the puppy - that was hers.

Hope it helps feel free to pm if I can help. I have a checklist for traits in girls for HFA and book recommendations.

Above all it’s better for her to have one amazing friend then 29 superficial friend and when mine didn’t have any I made sure I was her friend.

Here is a link to the soon to be out of date copy with all the amazing reviews on it

The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens: CBT and ACT skills to Help You Build Social Confidence (An Instant Help Book for Teens) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1608821870/ref=cmswwrawdoonavTaa_R1AWW5869WTEBTBB74SB

I have a yr 7 DD who is undiagnosed ASD (older DS was diagnosed when tiny...hence I still refer to ASD & haven't moved with the times ) & the biggest manifestation of it is social anxiety & extreme fear of being judged by her peers.
Most of what you wrote in your OP rings true for us and it's been a really hard term & a half.
We were in the local library at half term & she found this book (an earlier edition of it) on a emotional well-being display. She took it home, read it cover to cover it & announced it had been written just for her! Thought I'd share it....

The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens, Second Edition: CBT and ACT Skills to Help You Build Social Confidence https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1684038014/ref=cmswwrcppapigltti4EE7BNWSHGZHFH83VEEH

I really feel for your daughter. Everyone has made some great suggestions. I would encourage her to join groups outside school as well as inside school.

A diagnosis of ASD could be hugely reassuring. My eldest had a similar issue to your DD and in fact asked to be diagnosed when he was a bit older. Openly talked about why his ASD can make it harder for him to relate to other people and to fit into groups and he can see it's not his fault, any more than if you were dyslexic would make it harder to read. He made a lot of friends at scouts and they are his main group of friends now as an older teen.

If she likes drama are there no school.prouctions she could be involved with? That's how my dd made friends when she started a new school knowing no one
.

I had a similarly miserable time in year 7 20+ years ago. It is so awful - girls that age can be so toxic. I did go and look at a couple of other schools with my mum - I didnt end up moving but I felt better knowing it was an option. I ended up finding a friend in a different class - we just bumped into each other in the locker room one day and then became inseparable. As soon as I had a friend, school became so much easier and the other girls seemed to pick on me much less. The one who gave me the hardest time (a real bully) ended up eating humble pie in year 9 after everyone turned on her and she became a lot nicer. She's probably my closest school friend now, decades later.

Its hard to see it at the time, but these things can change so quickly.

Definitely get in touch with the Head of Year.
Have you talked with your dd about how to make friends? My dd struggled with feeling isolated when the friendship with her bf broke down (drifted apart). She found it difficult to talk to anyone else so ended up isolated from her peers. We had lots of chats about how friendships develop and how to make the first move (so to speak!). School helped guide her towards a couple of people who might be a good fit and the strategies gave her courage to speak to them. She now has a lovely group of friends and is much happier.
Good luck

Crowd not crown.
🤞 things get better. Maybe ask your DD what she thinks about speaking to school. DD’s school were useless and if the school aren’t careful the kids can pick up on it making things worse.
DD made a few friends by being nice to others she witnessed having a hard time at school and they stuck together. Their group got quite large by year 11. Take care OP