Private to state

Sorry that's another 7 terms. Not 4! What was I thinking?

I'd keep DD in there until Year 11. So just another 4 terms. She can go somewhere else for sixth form when naturally some of the children will leave anyway. It won't feel like she's the only one.

Take DS out now and offer to put him through 2 years at A level or years 10 and 11 at private if he wants to go then, once DD has finished. Then it's fair and you've done 2-ish years of private school for both of them, just not at that same time and will take off the pressure on you.

Op I made this transition as a child, and it was my choice, and I preferred the state school.

I would be selling all the benefits to your children: reduced travelling time, likely less homework, more time as a family, more money to spend on their interests.

You have made it very clear there is no other choice, so you can only make the best of the situation. You can also involve your children in choosing the best state school for them, if there is a choice (contact your council to find out vacancies)

I can understand your thoughts - however hopefully your year 9DD will have the resilience and the confidence afforded by her private school education to adapt to the change in circumstances.

It's not a choice you are making - it's a necessity. She will understand or should do

Just want to check - have you given notice on the schools that you are leaving? Remember you have to give a clear term notice, and even if you do that today you will be paying to the end of next term (summer). So they will start new schools in September....or sooner if you want, but you will be paying to July.

countries*

I was that child that was moved from an incredible private school that I loved to a state school that I hated (my parents moved counties, so that was an additional adjustment). Initially, I must be honest my grades suffered and I really missed my old school, but after a year or so I adjusted to the new normal and got my grades back on track (was always an A-student). At the state school I met my best friend and we are still best friends over 20 years on.

My mum exhausted herself working to send me to a private school with a scholarship. I’d have much rather she was more present and less stressed. I got perfect grades and two persistent eating disorders that still affect me to this day in my late 30s. My disorders began in year 9/10ish. Mum was too busy and stressed to realise for 18months and when the cleaner told her about me, mum flipped out because I was wasting my education and all her work.

Private school and an overworked single parent ruined my mental health and, to a large extent, my physical health.

Lots of great advice here. Plus you can take comfort from the fact that university applications are becoming increasingly contextualised. For example Bristol and Birmingham offer lower grades for state school kids…. Eg AAB instead of AAA. And Exeter offer BBB instead of AAA for some state schools….so overall that’s a real plus of the situation!

This happened to DS’s friend at October half term of year 8. They couldn’t afford the fees - they pulled her out. She went to the local comp, she’s doing amazingly well, she’s still friends and hangs out with everyone from the prep (they all moved up together to the feeder senior school). All is well. The only thing I will say is don’t drag it out. Remove them ASAP. It won’t do your DD any good to be trying to settle in at the start of Year 10 rather than letting her do it in the last few months of year 9.

Chin up. They are going to join the real world a few years before you had planned. The jump to university will be much easier when they make this move a bit earlier. Do you really think that 93% of the country are living some sort of hellish existence?!

Agree with many previous posters. You are absolutely not failing your children by sending them to a state school. Provided you set aside this notion immediately then they should be fine. I'm sure they'll make new friends and will appreciate the extra attention from you. Depending on how good their new school is (and indeed how good their current one is) you may well also find it isn't actually wildly different in terms of the overall educational experience. You might just be pleasantly surprised!

I suggest you need to look at your own reaction. You need to move your child from one school to another. No one died. Your DC are more likely to manage the transition if you don't throw words like "devastating" around.

They can keep in touch with their friends through social media, and are old enough to sort out meeting up regularly. And they will hopefully enjoy the benefits of a less stressed out parent and more disposable cash to do other things.

My DCs are state-educated so I don’t have direct experience.

Neither of them were offered a place at their first-choice secondary school (also state). And at the time I remember reading on here advice to identify what it is you like about the school that you did not get and try to replicate that outside the school environment.

In your case, you will have some money freed up to spend on replicating what your children would have had at their current school - music, sports, tutoring, trips, etc. Less simple with your DD and her friends of course. But I agree with others in try to present this to them as positively as possible. Will your DD still be able to take the same GCSE options at her new school?

My child moved from private to state because we couldn’t afford the fees. She stayed till the end of the school year and started a local comprehensive in the September. She did know a couple of people at the comprehensive from primary school. It was fine. She already knew people who had had much worse things happen - parents dying, for example, or parents losing their house etc.

Goodness, stop catastrophising OP.

It will be hard for them to be separated from their friends, yes, but lots of kids have to move school and you're not leaving the area so they can still see their old friends. They will cope with that aspect.

As far as the schools are concerned, they will be fine. Neither of them are in exam years. They will adapt.

They will take their cue on this from you. If you present it as a disaster, then they will buy into that. If you simply explain the facts, they are old enough to understand. Of course they won't want to move if they're happy where they are, but that's life sometimes.

I am certain it will be totally fine (provided that you keep a sense of perspective)
Personally I believe that your children are in a very FORTUNATE position where they will have the experience of both types of schooling, and be able to talk about it later in their lives.
By now their personalities would have been more or less framed already, they won't necessarily change who they are (although they may try and fit in)
Just try and stay positive, and stop fretting over nothing.

This is hardly a disaster. Move them both to state, explain why, accept their disappointment and support them in making new friends. Use any released fee money constructively for them. No-one would deny that private education has advantages but state education is also good.

I understand it's an upsetting situation to be in but do look at the positives and the relief this move will bring. I think moving both children would be the best so you can have more leeway financially and also timing wise, it is too risky if you struggle on but eventually have to move your daughter in GCSE years.
Going to private school may give a nice schooling experience but it's absolutely not essential. A happy parent is so much more important. Your DD can still keep in touch with her current friends.
I wish your children a smooth transition and a great start at their new school!

Your children will be fine and you haven’t failed them. They may well be happier as they have a mother who is actually around. A lot of make the choice to choose state schools it’s hardly the end of the world.

I was in your children’s position as a child (Y7) where, due to the 90s recession, my parents could no longer afford the fees. My school offered my parents a scholarship for me but not my sister and my parents declined as it wasn’t fair to move my sister but not me. I am glad now as the resentment from sister would have been awful otherwise. Admittedly, I was nervous at the time and joining my local state school felt a little alien for one or two days. There was more class and ethnic diversity, larger classes, it was less formal in that we didn’t all have to stand up every time a teacher entered the classroom and greet them. However, I made some lifelong friends in my first week at school. I am also forever grateful for the opportunity my private junior school gave me. I was far ahead of my classmates when I joined my new school and had to adjust myself to fit in, but not in a bad way. I actually developed a lot more confidence in my new environment, went on to do very well academically and would not have changed it if I could. I never once blamed my parents for “failing me”, “letting me down” and I sincerely hope your children do not look at it that way. I fondly look back at having had the best of both worlds and besides the few things I mention above, there wasn’t much else between them. You can only try your best and you are working your socks off as it is. Don't beat yourself up over a situation that is not in your control.

They’ll be ok, you haven’t failed them and don’t let them thinking of going to a state school as a failure.

Is there a way to keep DD in the school? They are in very different places and your DS would transition more easily.

Have you actually spoken to the school yet? The often have assistance they don't publicise.

Can you maybe sell something to keep DD in? DS sounds like he will be quite happy at state. Maybe sell some jewellery, watches, car? Accept a lodger? Sorry OP, all crappy options, but if you’re desperate, there may be a way!