GCSE results - how to react to disappointing grades

I was similar and though I scraped 5 GCSEs of B &Cs I did not meet the course requirements. My mum went apeshit and forbade me from doing the retake course offered, instead I did A Levels but dropped out after the first year.

I then started work, I've never had a career as such but fell into insurance and earned a decent enough wage for my age.

My older brother had gone to grammar school and was off to university. He's done very well for himself and is a nice guy.

There's a massive middle ground between what's considered success and failure where many people fall.

My eldest has SEN and despite being academically able, he is unlikely to get many passes. I've impressed on him he'll have to retake Maths and English so might as well try and avoid that.

DC2 is predicted 8s and 9s, and quite determined to achieve that in most subjects.

I've come to suspect, as well as being a bit of a teenage knobhead, I have ADHD and the step up to Yr10 was completely overwhelming. A lot of my subjects were heavy on coursework which I was horrendous at.

Just a thought but it is still February. Exams are 12 weeks away which is long enough to do well IF she starts working hard now. There is time.

My son got very disappointing grades. I still burn for him as he went with his girlfriend and I'm sure he was shocked - he didn't revise as needed for sure but he did much worse than his mocks and he had a tutor for some subjects!
I said that I couldn't say I wasn't disappointed in the results, and I knew he was ashamed, but pretended that he didn't care etc. So I didn't make too big a deal of it - what good would it have done (he went to a good private school which I felt really let him down - what did he do there 8 hours a day)? We knew he wasn't going to do very well and he had already decided not to do A levels (he would have needed 7s to do A levels at his school). He went to a vocational college, did fine there and got his NVQs and we have also discussed that should he want to go to higher education he could always do an access course.
I actually think the toughest bit now is he is 18 and has to work and budget and be responsible while hearing about his mates at uni meeting loads of other kids and partying.
I don't think you can make a person do well without damaging them and your relationship (even if I had chained him to his desk and sat over him I don't think that would have made a difference to his results and it would have been hell). You have laid it out for her. Explore other options and also remember her life isn't over if she fails her exams at 16. She can retake at another college, do an apprenticeship or vocational subject. She can get a part time job while doing that - my son did - and that in itself will make her take some responsibility and show her how hard she has to work to make not much money. And then let her grow up. As long as she's doing something, she will find her way.

It sounds like she is quite able but has just given up. The reality about GCSE level work is that it’s hard, there is a lot of content and you can’t expect to pass without actually doing some work. I would try one last time to have a serious chat with her and explain that the realities of the situation - that she really needs to buckle down and do some work so that she can get some qualifications and a job.

I may be a bad mother but I have always been quite blunt with my own teen DD about the importance of working hard. I am a lone parent and have been for a very long time but I have a good job so I am ok. If you have a daughter it’s particularly important to talk to her about these things.

@justcheckin22 - just a thought. Is there any merit in having a meeting with school with DD present (this being crucial) - to discuss with school whether, given the disappointing mocks and the lack of work, and hence the risk of very disappointing grades, there would be an option to repeat Year 11?
I can practically guarantee that there is nothing that a teenager is going to hate worse than being put into the year below (probably still wearing uniform) when all their friends are in the sixth form - and allowed to wear their own clothes and treated more like adults.
If the school is willing to have this discussion with you and DD - even if they are sitting there saying - not such a good idea because all of DD's social group will be in the year above etc, better you consider the college (the one for "losers"), or what is to suppose she is going to try again next year, and even more so if they say, yes that is an option, if you really need it, and yes I can see why you think this might actually happen, but you do understand it would be really socially difficult for DD, and we understand it is maybe too late, but she is capable of getting the grades if she tried (ideally with you saying you don't think it is possible - reason being, nothing a teenager likes better than showing her parents that they are wrong - ie at the point at which you are effectively saying, it is too late, we need to assume she can't do it and you ease up because there is no point, it might, just might, be the point at which she suddenly decides she needs to prove you wrong - ie you would be much better off, in many ways, to be now saying it is too late for her to work to get the grades, so we aren't going to bother anymore but rather explore other options, and are assuming she will repeat, which at least allows her to "rebel" by working).
Bit of a gamble, I would think (and a lot would depend on how well the school would play it, which you can't know), but you have tried most other things, by the sounds of it. So I wondered if behaving now the way you are thinking you might behave when she gets the grades, as if it has already happened - very publically to her and everybody around you (eg - to grandma/neighbour - oh, we aren't expecting DD to pass her GCSEs, as she hasn't been working enough, so we are thinking about either resitting Year 11 or local college - obviously in DDs earshot). The risk is that you will convince DD too, and make it harder for her to work, but if she really is not doing anything, and this is really what is likely to happen, and she really is keen on rebelling, then maybe it is worth a try.

We told DS who was doing very similar that it was fine if he didn't do well as he could always do resits the next year. He quickly started working. Also we limit gaming.

It's so hard - I feel you need to step back and let them live their mistakes... but I know from stuffing up my degree she will regret it!

Maybe try to talk about it - ask if she's anxious and not engaging as a coping strategy? That's what happened with me, basically. If you mess up results you have to work much harder down the line to repair your damage. I'd try to support with offers of help, or encourage her to face the revision - even if it's really worrying her - as it always feels better to get on and do things. If I notice now I'm procrastinating or flitting between things I need to do then I'll take it as a wake up call; I'll get things on a list and just doggedly start working through. Even if you have a lot to get done it's the only way to meaningfully make a dent in it all.

There's some smug twattery being espoused here none of which helps because it's blaming the OP for something that can't now be changed.

When my daughter was in primary and I apologised for being too busy with work to have helped with the homework that week the teacher replied that she should be responsible for her own learning and not rely on a parent. Goodness knows why the OP is somehow expected to drop everything else in order to force a reluctant teen to 'picture themselves penniless and full of regret in 30 years'.

GCSEs are important only to get her to the next stage of what she wants to do. If she wants to be a doctor then she is in trouble as things stand. If she has her heart set on the BTEC then so long as she gets the grades for that it doesn't really matter. My only issue would be ensuring she gets the minimum in English and maths if at all possible because that does restrict things in the future (but can always be retaken of course).

Stop writing children off at 16. Not everyone is academic and not every child will follow the approach that might have worked in your own specific circumstances.

Could you afford tutors/revision boot camp. Would she engage?

Does she need help with how to revise? I think for some kids it’s so daunting they stick their head in the sand.

I would go at this from a different angle and tell her how much you love her and you want the best for her to be able to afford (insert things that matter to her now like clothes/phones/holidays/out with your mates for meals/evenings) but she will possibly, possibly have a lower paid job which means she won't be able to afford to do those things.

There is a Friend's episode where 3 of them can't afford a birthday night out and 3 of them can because they have better paid jobs.

I would also tell her that at some point she will have to move out of the house as you don't live with your parents and you want her to be able to afford somewhere nice, not some grotty place. Explain to her all the things she will have to pay when she has her own place. Does she know about council tax or insurance, how much broadband costs? You are telling her this because you love her. Of course you want her to be happy and have fun etc but her school work also needs to be thought about.

As for reaction to results day, tell her now that you are hoping for the best for her and you hope she is happy with herself on results day.

OP. If I were you I might now be getting a little frustrated at the posters giving you ideas on how to help, which isn't what you asked, rather than on how to make your peace with it and react appropriately, which is what you did ask.

I know they mean well, but there comes a point when your relationship with your DC is more important than exams. If you aren't there yet then you have received lots of ideas to try, but if you are, then detach, help if asked, and then be around to pick up the pieces later.

I would prioritize sitting with her, helping her make and execute a plan. Making sure she actually has the skills she needs for organisation, revision and exam questions. Not easy to do when she probably doesn't want your help but procrastination and disengagement can often be masks for underlying lack of confidence. If she's sitting at a desk for 2 hours not achieving much, maybe a handhold will work better than either carrot or stick.

Maybe it is pure lack of motivation, but I tend to err on the side of assuming there is a "can't" in there somewhere. Whether I'm right or wrong that helps me mentally frame myself as a helper and cheerleader, on her side. My Y11 responds to this, but of course they are all different and you know your DD best.

It sounds infuriating to know your DD is capable of getting what she needs to but is choosing not to see it/is self-sabotaging so runs the risk of not achieving. Has she already applied for college and sixth form places? I know DC1's applications were in about this time last year. I'm also aware that for one of my DNs, being rejected by the college they'd planned to go to has been something of a rude awakening. As a result, they're in a panic but have decided to/reluctantly accepted pull their finger out when it comes to English x2, maths and science so they stand a chance of coming away with five GCSEs at 4/5. They're only doing this because they are motivated by money and outraged by the low pay offered to level 2 apprenticeships; getting five GCSEs should mean they can access level 3 apprenticeships or other qualifications... which will ultimately mean more money for partying.

Will your DD discuss the situation at all? I wonder if she'd be able to respond to a conversation in which you said you'd been thinking about results day, you want it to be a day she gets the results she needs but also that you want your reaction to be right too. Could you explain that your priority is making sure she's content with what she gets on the day so she has options, but you're aware that concern comes across as having high expectations? Maybe ask her to let you know which subjects she's going to focus on so they can be the ones you focus on too and offer to not bring up the other subjects? If she won't talk about it, might she respond to a letter or text? Would you be able to offer a bit of time each day when you can test her on stuff, watch Mr Bruff videos, sit with her whilst she does some Seneca chapters? One of those magazine style quizzes laid out with options or tick box options might be a way for her to process what you're offering without either of you feeling put on the spot.

Asking if she is happy is the same as saying you aren't happy imo. I think saying "great you got the grades to do your Btec"
and congratulation her. If she doesn't scrape that then that's an issue, but just say you did your best, we can have a rethink of want you do next or retake and try again. Honestly comparing to friends will make her realise. Be proud of her achievements whatever they are.

Agree with previous poster. It's not too late. Buy the revision books and practise practise exam questions. YouTube videos is also really good. But your dd needs to want to do this. And we're talking hours and hours of revision. Can you bring a tutor in to help cram?

Has she got the cpg revision books for her subjects? could you get her to do an hour a day, rotating subjects so she does about 3 x 20 mins on different subjects going through the books. I find them so helpful to have all the info in one book rather than them trying to understand the notes they have (or haven't) taken.

I would try to get her to work out what she wants to do after GCSEs as soon as possible. Leave some careers leaflets and college prospectuses around and see if you can get her interested in something. Find out what options there are locally to get maths and English qualifications. Do you have any friends or family who could let her do some work experience.

If she gets bad results I wouldn't react other that agreeing with her if she wants some sympathy and reassuring her that she will still have options. Asking her how she feels or showing any disappointment would be mean.
I'd treat it as a challenge and problem that you are going to help her overcome.
The fact she is savvy and entrepreneurial is brilliant.

One of my kids has a PhD is a stem subject and has not one ounce of savvy'ness 😭😭

OP, I really do sympathise. Know that there is always an option to retake GCSEs. It's not THE end. My niece dropped out of school aged 15 and ended up with no GCSEs.. however off her own back, she redid a tiny handful of core subjects and now she's just graduated with a Masters of Law at University aged 23. Sometimes they need time to figure out themselves and hitting rock bottom is what they need but I do think a strong parental guidance and influence to never give up is super important. In my neices case, her parents said they wouldn't be supporting her anymore and having worked at minimum wage whilst her friends landed good jobs, apprenticeships and college made her feel alienated. Hope that helps and that things turn around for your dd.

Well I got all As and Bs at GCSE and my mums first reaction was 'is that it, where are the A*s I know you were capable?' So don't do that!

So many of your assumptions are wrong. Never mind though. Good luck.

My dd is in Year 9 and the pandemic was horrendous for her. I discovered she deliberately skipped a large part of online learning, and was starting to slide down a path of enjoyment, parties, boyfriends, hanging out on street corners, and generally no motivation to do well. To the point, her grades were bottom 25% and she started school at the very top of her year. Last year, she was even suspended from school a a couple of days on a serious misdemeanor.

It's been a huge year of struggle, and the school has only been able to support within a limited capacity. I decided I had enough and drummed it into my daughter failure is not an option. Like I literally tell her, every morning, she is capable of reaching the universe. She IS a star, she's bonafide brilliant and she can be the best she wants the be so long as she does xyz TODAY. I tell her that every morning at breakfast.

I sought help from a Board Certified Behavioural Therapist to provide strategies in effective studies, to advise how best to communicate and building a growth mindset. I now limit phone access so no access to any devices online after 10:30pm and she gets it back next morning after chores, music practice and school work is done. But the subjects she was failing in, I've bought all the GCSE revision books and we go through it page by page, and I set her additional homework tasks from the revision books because school work provided is pretty crap at the moment. I pack in as much activities as possible even if it's watching a movie, renting the council tennis courts for £10an hour, piano practise. I pack in a busy schedule so that she is NOT pining for her phone. I personally sit with my dd 30mins a day to make sure it is all done.

Now this is really hard. Not every parent can tutor Physics or Chemistry, I work full time and I have another child to look after. And it's a draconian but honestly, after 8 weeks of this in place, I'm starting to turn a corner. As my dd is now believing she is already a success and that if she doesn't put the effort in, she realises she won't maintain this position.

It's too hard for my daughter to do this alone but I think intervention earlier means GCSEs later on won't be in such a panic!?