Why don't private school parents decide preferences in advance?

The reality is that in the state sector there barely is any choice unless you live in an incredibly lucky sweet spot (with high house prices). In truth, you usually only have one acceptable or attractive state school that you could realistically get into. It is absolutely pointless to discuss outstanding state school x vs y vs z as it is very rare that all these are actual options. So there is nothing to debate.

With private schools you might theoretically have five to choose between, but then you don't know where you get in, there might be an element of scholarships / bursaries, waiting lists. Also there is no point bugging lots of parents at these schools for insider feedback if your chances of getting a place are 10-20% only. Once you have an offer, you dig deeper.

I think also there is a theoretical choice, so you look at all these lovely schools - and prep your child for the exams; then reality hits when you get the places - they may sit 5 exams and get all 5, so then you start thinking about sport/dt/swimming pools/travel/prestige/scholarships.....
They may sit the exams and get one, or get one you weren't keen on (the backup) and be waitlisted on another, and then panic sets in and you start questioning your choices.

One thing which surprises me is the applications for schools which would be a really difficult journey for the child if they got a place there.

I felt it best to apply for schools we could reasonably access (be it by school coach, public transport, walk/cycle etc) and then if DD got a place at any of them we'd be happy and if she got more than one, she could choose as we'd only applied to schools we were happy with.

I should add this worked for DD1 but not DD2 who didn't get a firm place at any, but if we did it again we'd apply for more schools and tutor etc etc etc ! Hey ho.

These are quite complex decisions involving perhaps more than 1 child (not necessarily the same sex), different levels of fees depending on scholarships or not and day / weekly / full boarding.
We know 2 families who have to move their child after 'the big move' due to the school not delivering what they thought it would, so that adds to our stress.. and 3 families have changed their minds on school choice with less than 12 months to go.
It's more complex than buying a new car / fridge !

ChocolateWombat is very wise, as ever.

There’s also a primary school issue where you’re on your own. You don’t have advice from other parents or the Head, and it feels like a huge financial and family decision to take off the back of what is basically a couple of tours, a zoom talk and some nice bumph. Especially if you had no idea what was realistic for your DC, and took a punt at a range of schools, and ended up with rather more options than you expected.

I have to say, turning down offers is surprisingly hard. I had a bit of a moment when I declined the local, very sought after, SS grammar for dd1.

I think that ahead of offers, people could have worked out the practical stuff, in Fact usually before even applying.

So working out a school is too far away, or the transport needed to get there isn’t viable, could be worked out ideally before applying (why bother putting your kid through the entrance exam if it’s never goi g to be viable to get there) or at least before the offers come out, would mean decision making could be speeded up.

In reality though, lots of people actually revel in the process. Although they like to say it’s all terribly stressful to choose between x,y, and z, in actual fact there is some pleasure for some parents knowing they have all 3, in thinking about each place and goi g to offer-holder days and weighing the minutiae. Some people think the fact they’ve paid their application fee means they don’t need to consider those on waiting lists. And some like having all the topics open and find actually choosing (often on morning if deadline) difficult as they’d like to have all options and fear missing out on features of those they turn down.

So lots of people could choose sooner. But they simply dont actually want to. For Prep parents in LOndon, the next few weeks can involve lots of agonising at the school gates about poor little Flora and the strain of choosing between X, Y and Z, and discussing which school has the best meal service, or the best sports ground, or whether they should go to X because it has a large new drama theatre being built or Y because it offers Greek from Yr 8.

People secretly feel a bit smug about having a fistful of offers. They say they will choose quickly and how tricky it must be for those on waiting lists, but they often don’t really intend to release as quickly as possible. Quite often they have decided and still don’t release, because it’s so final….and just what if they change their mind?

People forget it’s hard for schools too. They over offer and some people always turn places down. But it’s impossible to know how many will each year. Is it better to run a waiting list and keep regular contact with those at the top you’d like, or better to just make more offers and hope you do t get too many coming…a problem some LOndon schools like City can’t foist on themselves due to space. If they have to go to waiting list, by the time they do, many on the list will have already accepted offers elsewhere, so how far down do you go? There’s a point after which the quality of student might be compromising…but it depends how much it’s bums in seats that’s required or top quality students…varies by school.

Hey ho, it’s all a big game isn’t it.

So schools run more and more daft ‘offer holders events’ to try and make sure those with offers (or at least the top offer holders or scholarship offer holders) will accept by trying to woo them with food and fun activities. It’s surprising how much a fancy tea in nice surroundings, or a lovely goody bag can sway people, when decisions are pretty marginal.

Ada, as you say the "common entrance exam" is to stop that system and centralised it for those schools within the system - one exam and al the schools using it then have access to those results.

We have twin boys so it becomes a bit more complicated then too as they decided they wanted to be at the same school at 13+ (they are actually even now at the same law school in London). Parents have all kinds of reasons and things to weigh up when choosing a school so tend to have quite a few options particularly in London. However when ours took the exam we always knew in our case which was first choice.

Because typically you don’t get the double sports and academic scholarship at your nearest and very best school. You get 20 per cent off at X school, sports scholarship at Y school miles away etc. Plus often many parents also still wait to see what they go state school wise, be it grammar miles off in Kent or North London or even the great comp that you are on the edge of catchment for.
If the London independent schools wanted to avoid this they could agree to some sort of coordinated admissions system making it easier on DC with an upfront more IQ style exam for all, a bit like the ISEB as stage 1. However, many prefer their own procedures and whether they admit it or not, I do believe they are analysing the parental situation too during the whole admissions process.

My observations from the outside...

• its more a London thing. More kids, more schools, more choice, more competition. State or Private!
• the schools don't have a lot to choose between them. So the smaller differences get analysed more
• its a lot of money, so even if you have the 20k it costs per year available, you want to get it right.

With State schools... if you have genuine choice, you can again analyse the small differences. If you live somewhere with set catchments, its a lot more relaxing.

Back in October I had a thread comparing two completely different schools (catchment vs the alternative education Free School). It helped confirm our instincts.

I think this is a strategy that is applied much more widely than private schools, and it seems to me for sound psychological reasons.

We applied the same strategy when my DS was apply for medical schools. The situation is extremely competitive (large numbers of applicants do not get any place at all), and the key thing is, the DC wants to be a doctor, and any medical school will get them there. Then they had to narrow their choice to four medical schools, as that is the maximum number allowed on their UCAS form. Each of those schools had strengths and weaknesses. It seemed psychologically sound to try and not prefer any given one, so that one didn't spend the rest of one's career feeling disatisfied. Once more than one offer was received, that seemed the appropriate time to seriously evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of the various medical schools and make a choice.

@taj0112 this is exactly what's happening to us! 😂 I ruled out choice B because I thought DC wouldn't get in & assumed we're going A. Now she's on the waitlist for A & accepted for B!? Total head!

My DD applied to 2 independent schools. We went to open days in the autumn and asked her at the time which she preferred. She said there wasn't any point in preferring one as she might not get an offer from that one. I thought that was a fairly mature attitude. We also didn't want her to go into the interview for one knowing that she would rather go to the other as she might not seem enthusiastic in interview.

We never left it late. We always had a first choice preference and then second and third etc.

@TeenPlusCat apologies for making some of my assumptions - no offense intended!

I think as well is some of the financial stuff as you said. For us, our daughter tried for a private school for 7. At the start of the process I wasn’t too fussed if she got in and we realized it would be a tough decision financially but tbh decided to wait until we had a decision to make? She was fortunate and got a place, so at that point we turned to our budgets again to think. It’s amazing what a dose of reality actually does to thinking about your priorities.

I also think that quite a lot of people only seriously start to think about logistics/ relative level of fees etc when they have actual offers rather than just applications.

We went through this whole process last year and looking back the schools we'd had at the top of our mental list in October when we did our state application was completely different to the school we went for after the indie results/ state allocation day! In the end, we actually went with a combination of gut instinct and which school we'd always think "what if" about if we turned it down.

It’s also the psychology of decision-making. You may think you’d go for A, but in reality at a subconscious level you really prefer B but feel your child is less likely to get in so you end up thinking you’d go with A. Then your child gets an offer to B and you start re-thinking, and for good reason.
I appreciate you’re annoyed that people aren’t deciding quickly to free up spaces but it’s a huge decision, as you say and I know I’d release an offer as soon as I’d decided which I’m sure is the case for most.

lots of parents going for state schools have to make those trade offs too, but make them way back in the autumn.

So, they make them when they need to. It's exactly the same. No more or less decisive just r a different time.

With unis they get up to 5 offers and then they are invited to offer holder days to help them pick a top choice and a back up choice. The grades they are offered will affect what they choose too. So similar to private schools in a way (but not completely the same so probably irrelevant

@TeenPlusCat , WL is part of the process but the movement happens once the state school offers are out. As a parent you just have to accept the process and be part of it, asking someone to make a decision quickly has a minimal impact on a school's WL which moves mainly between the 28th Feb and 7th March.

@TeenPlusCat. It’s not that easy. For instance, in our case we got 3 offers and we liked all 3 , but offer one is my favourite but further away and will impact family life and logistics of weekend sport etc . Offer two has amazing academic results but is a big school and i worry my child may disappear in such a big place being a very average child who doesn’t stand out. Also can a large school really be any good pastorally?? Number 3 is less academic but is smaller and local and gets above average results but not as good as 1 or 2 but the pastoral side is amazing!
All 3 schools have different days by which you have to decide and it’s usually only a few weeks.
This is of course a first world problem, but that’s our dilemma and why we ask parents with children already at those schools , for their input .