Private senior for 'poor kids'

My DD went to a selective independent boarding school from a state primary. We have owned numerous Porches over the years. I simply don’t recognise drink problems or any others issues when people are wealthy. Most people I know had a grand time!

I was one of least well off children at my selective independent secondary. Ordinary background. One of a handful from state primaries.

Most other people very well off, some insanely so (Saudi prince, major global firm owners...).

Possibly it helped that I was among the most academically successful, but the wealth differences didn't worry me. I enjoyed all the opportunities and had a lot of fun with friends of all backgrounds.

It was pretty obvious that wealth didn't buy happiness. I think we all saw that. Plenty of parents with Porsches and devastating drink problems, for example.

Good, wise, kind, thoughtful, available, appropriately liberal parents appreciated much more than what cars they drove.

@MsTSwift
You put it very well. It’s finding your tribe and both DC and parents do it.,

Most kids seem to self select know mine do. They go to state in “nice” area and pretty much all their friends are from families very similar to ours financially educationally and professionally. People do gravitate to familiarity which is why it is a valid concern if you put your teen into an environment where most other families are different to yours. I got in with the public school set at university by accident and felt this myself.

They do seem to be reasonably open about it. And no contact for me with other parents at high school in my experience. But maybe my kids’ schools are odd!

@SwayingInTime
You don’t talk about it openly! But it’s who your friends are and why they are your friends. Of course no one says to your DS “oh, you’re the bursary boy aren't you?” However if, for example parents go shooting on Scottish estates, you won’t be invited. Neither will your DS. You can substitute quite a lot of scenarios for this one. No one will make it obvious but it’s absolutely inevitable that there are groups of like minded people in the parent body who have other parents as friends because they are similar. That does not mean any bursary child is not respected and likes within school.

My eldest goes to a very expensive school on a bursary and it would be considered really naff to draw attention to economic differences by anyone. The kids aren’t daft, they understand it’s generally more impressive to have gained a place from a more deprived background.

At some schools not that many mums work. They have serious money and don’t need to. Most schools have levels of “people like us”. It’s not necessarily cars or house but hobbies and upbringing come into it.

Boys don’t notice as much as girls. Girls do seem to become more aware of who has what. I think that parents always chatter at sports matches and other social events at private schools. Some parents have formed tight friendship groups from the feeder preps. There isn’t chat at pick up time but lots of private schools have other options for parents to chat if they want to.

It's an interesting question - my son didn't go to a private school but I would definitely say there is a high level of snobbery among parents in my area. Maybe it doesn't happen so much at secondary level because parents have less of an overview of other parents, but there's no doubt at primary level, they judge people by the car they drive and what size house they have. We are not exactly hard up but were made to feel like the poor relations in my NCT group and then when my son was playing football among kids who were mainly at the local state schools.

So I think it probably depends. I would also guess that it is probably less of an issue where mothers work outside the home due to having less opportunity to gossip with other parents and maybe more mothers work outside the home if they are paying private school fees.

My son is probably one of the poorer at his Independent school but doesn't seem remotely bothered about it. He's friends with boys with huge houses and horses, but hasn't ever showed an interest in owning 'stuff' or brands/status symbols, so water off a ducks back.

As long as they have a phone and Xbox that work they all seem equal!

I think a lot can depend on the ethos of the school.

Both mine went private for secondary. The school the Ds joined has a huge bursary/scholarship scheme and takes about 50% state school students. There didn't seem to be a them and us set up.

The school DD joined had a junior school that started from nursery so a lot of her classmates came from there. The scholarship system was as extensive. There was a definite divide there.

Maybe part of it was the girls vs boys set up as well. We are above the level for bursaries etc, but 'only' have one holiday a year, don't have designer clothes etc, but DD definitely felt looked down on. The tales of birthday parties they'd had in the Junior school were unbelievable - not quite on the same level as our 30 kids in the church hall with a bouncy castle!!

I don’t think there’s much thought from dc and his friends re private school dc

Or vice versa as have dc in both

They seem more into their own schools / friends etc

My DCs have heard State school kids say some pretty awful things about Private school kids.
I hope their parents are oblivious and would be horrified too.

My dds have heard some private school kids say some pretty awful things about state and scholarship kids. Sure their parents are oblivious and would be horrified…

@mynamesbing

We were not remotely poor but my DD went to a boarding school after a state primary. She was the only state primary child in her year group. The bursaries have possibly changed that now. As far as being a small fish? Well someone has to be! State schools do have bright children you know! In fact 4 in DDs stare primary year went to Oxbridge!

I do think girls notice wealth and clothes a bit more. But not every girl is like this. Some don’t care about any of this. They will undoubtedly have nice holidays though! So you really have to be sure you can subdue the green eyed minster. Parents will live their lives. You won’t change them. You may not end up being friends with them. Some will know each other and will be in a clique. And others won’t. But only you can decide what matters most to you and, more importantly, your DC.

@SockFluffInTheBath that sounds really hard.

OP I would be a bit careful how much you tell DCs. I think some of this stuff is just not fair to load on them. They have no insight into how important it will be for them to fit in when they are 15, and no way of weighing up how likely they are to fit in or not at different schools. I think this is one for adults to weigh up, not DC.

My mum is adamant that I chose my school so everything that then happened there was on me. I was 10, it shouldn't have been my responsibility.

I was the poor kid at my private school. I went to a state primary in a scruffy part of my city then was catapulted into another world. The hardest part was non uniform days when certain ones loved to take the mick out of my clothes from the market, my bag from the market, my everything from the market. I had a few friends, not in touch with any of them now. On balance I’m glad I went because the local state school was shocking, but I rebelled very strongly in the sixth form and threw away the predicted straight As. I still never feel accepted in a group, I don’t think I ever will. We had the opportunity to send ours private and chose not to.

I was the poor kid at private school and did feel it; was embarrassed to invite people home etc. But that came from me and my insecurities at least as much as - if not more than - from my peers. So I would say it depends on how confident and comfortable in their skin your DC are. For a while, I struggled with it. In the end, though, I found my place and am very grateful for the opportunities I got, and it gave me different perspectives on life and ironically probably more resilience.

DS1 went to an academic local fee paying school on a scholarship, one of his close friends went to the same school on massively reduced fees because their parent taught there.
DS1 (now well into adulthood) has said that he never really felt the social differences but recognises that being sporty, bright and popular made up for it. His friend on the other hand struggled and feels that it has impacted his mental health even to this day. It’s hard to know whether that is the cause of his mental distress, but that’s what he thinks, so we must take it at face value.

Gosh, that escalated quickly!

@Ohshitiveturnedintomymother I honestly don't agree with you that it is small and bitter to explain that some people have high salaries and pay hefty mortgages to a teenager who asks why some people have bigger/smaller houses.

Somebody who buys a huge house in an expensive area of the city and drives a brand new luxury car PROBABLY has considerable outgoings every month to make that happen - outgoings that are paid for by working very hard, for very long hours, at a highly paid job. And yes - some of those outgoings may relate to credit - mortgages, car payments, bank loans. Are we not supposed to mention that or teach our children that they exist?

My point is that the well off families are usually not just magically swimming in money, which was daughter's question in the first place.

I don't think it's unhealthy to explain the idea of household debt to a teenager, and how different families choose to divvy up their income, particularly when the teenager literally asks.

I really didn't intend to sound bitchy about it, and I am not unhappy with my lifestyle or snippy about the lovely parents of my daughters' friends.

Thank you for understanding what I was clumsily trying to say, @DaddyPhD

My daughter goes to a selective school in Chelsea. Sixth form so no uniform. Partly her personality- she couldn't care less that she's not going skiiing at half term or the Maldives at Christmas- and partially the other girls at the school which are not cliquey, but she goes in her jeans and hoodies and is fine. She is in awe that some girls walk five minutes to school, more due to comparing her own one hour walk/train commute than the fact their parents own a £5m+ house! She just wished she had that extra hour in bed!
I have only done a couple social things snd to be honest felt more conspicuous because I don't have a partner (widow) and I'm not a size 10! But that's my own hang up. There are enough families that are middling in terms of income that I didn't feel that was a huge issue, and there are income variations at many state schools too, so there's always some families with big house and latest gadgets and others without.
All the girls have to work just as hard as each other to get the grades anyway - that's the leveller.

@Ohshitiveturnedintomymother

I read that @astoundedgoat was teaching their children the superficial trappings of wealth are just that, superficial. How many people in large houses and flash cars own them outright?? Sure some do, many don't. It's important to teach children this.

It's also important to teach children financial success doesn't make you a better person or more clever. A tick-tock influencer can earn millions compared to the modest salary of a teacher or academic,

I went to a run down comp and grew up in a very poor council estate, family on benefits, etc- somehow I made it to a prestigious university and middle classed career - I really struggled in my first year of uni, mixing with middle classed kids, I knew no-one even close to the poverty I came from. They will no doubt feel like they dont really belong anywhere, no longer part of the council estate, but not really part of the middle classes. This isn't really a bad thing, I find it much easier than my colleagues talking to people from all walks of life- I can just as easily talk to someone from a council estate who spends all day in a betting shop as I can to an Eton educated, Oxford grad whose family have close links to the Royal family.

It's a lonely life, as I only really have 1 close friend who went through something similar as me ( grew up poor but are now technically middle classed) , I keep a distance from middle classed friends from university and work just as I do from working class friends I grew up with- I don't really belong anywhere, but the alternative is I grew up to be just like my mates at school- working in garages, van driving, unemployed trapped in poverty, or in low paid factory work.