How much input from child on secondary choice

If I was you I'd list my preference and have her choice as 3rd choice. You can then say she just didn't get in unfortunately. But tbh I gave my dd no choice

DD1 already at secondary having followed DS there. Very happy with it. DD2 will get priority there.

We did however swap the order of schools 2 & 3 on our list as DD2 said she’d prefer to stay with primary friends in the event she doesn’t follow DD1.

In your case I'd overrule and go with school you prefer. Ofstead isn't the best indication and no one has been inspected for along time due to pandemic.

Near school with equivalent academics and facilities seems better than far school all things being equal.

I think friends choice is what's at play here even if she says not.

Usually I think the child should have some input, but in the case of OP's DD I would overrule because she doesn't seem to have any good reason for her choice. If she wants to be taken seriously she needs to be able to explain why!

Just throwing it out there, my parents sent me to a secondary school I didn’t want to go to. I hated the first two years at least, I resented them so much for pulling me away from my friends and I only remember misery for the first couple of years. Nothing positive , oh apart from they had a good Chocolate muffin there.
Please listen to her a little bit… hear her voice amongst it all

DD chose her school on basis of very strong academic reputation but DH wanted her to go there and I was on the fence as pros and cons of both options. One of my reasons (further away, large catchment so more difficult to socialise with school friends ) has definitely been an issue but overall it was absolutely the right choice for her.

I wanted mixed school for DS - had bad reputation 10 years ago but was really on the up, new head very impressive (and focussed on the kids not parents), mix better for DS who is quiet and very anxious. DH wanted boys only school as solid reputation - and he also frequently dismisses DS’s issues. But I had heard bad things from parents of quieter boys. We both felt so strongly that I thought it might tear apart our marriage. DS had good friends choosing both. So as DH and I couldn’t agree, we let DS choose and at time said he chose boys school so he didn’t have to mix with girls. He now says he choose the boys school as DH pressurised him. It’s been a disaster in terms of behaviour and learning. But he is too anxious about new things to start afresh somewhere else.

So I guess from my experience the answer is that if you’ve discussed pros and cons and they make an informed choice for good reasons then let them choose. But overrule if their choice is for wrong reasons or clearly a terrible one.

My children both got a say, but knew that ultimately DH and I would make the final decision as we can look at stuff more logically - school performance, location practicality etc

DS1 went to a school further away, with only 2 part friends (not in his circle). The local schools at that time weren't great so we decided it was the best option and it was DS's favourite too.
The school was great for him, down side was having friends 15 miles away so difficult to "go and hang out" and when parties started DH and I had a 30 mile round trip to pick up middle of the night! DS is now at college in the same city, with friends even further a field. On a positive note - he's very independent, because he has had to be. He became very train/bus savvy from 11 to get to friends in holidays etc.

5 years later, DS2's turn, he wanted to go to our local secondary as that's where his friends were going. Luckily school had picked up so he got his first choice! Having had DS1 having the struggles of being so far from friends etc we didn't really want to have to deal with that again. If the school was still poor though we may have had a different opinion

I feel that parents should be clear to their children that, ultimately, it’s a parent choice. It’s just too big a responsibility to put on a 10/11 year old. We took the views of our dc into account, but they knew it wasn’t their decision, which took the pressure off them.

Sixth Form decisions, in contrast, should be made by the child.

Lots of input from DC, but parents have final decision - as have the life experience to see that broader picture. Agree to include the school, but explain that you’ll consider everything and make the decision on rankings. Absolutely agree that you need to sit down with DD and really work through what she likes and dislikes about each school, and look quite closely at whether this is being driven by either friends going to the school further away, or someone she doesn’t like going to the nearer schools. In either case, secondaries are so much bigger that there’s a chance she won’t really see them anyway. My DH followed his brother to a secondary that necessitated a daily train journey and he says it was a massive pain in the arse doing this for five years. The novelty wears off very quickly (about the time mornings get cold and dark). Have you been able to visit the schools in person, or were the open evenings online? If a visit might help, call the school ASAP and they might be able to fit you in before half term.

I let my dc choose. After all it’s they who need to put up with the place for the next seven years.

I did expect them to have some solid reasons and they all did. DC1 chose a school on the extracurricular provision, DC2 wanted single-sex day school and DC3 has just chosen a very academic school with a nice library. Three different schools! I think if they weren’t sure why they wanted a school I’d be a bit more sceptical, particularly if I was paying fees!

Very easy to replicate the bus needed and haul her out of bed on a weekend after the clocks go back so she can see the reality of her decision, cold dark mornings walking to a bus stop.

I would do a pros and cons list and you can weight it in favour of the school you prefer. I would make it clear that as an adult you will be the one making the final decision because we can see things that children can't. You can explain this is why you cannot drive until 17 or vote until 18.

It has to be a discussion together though. It is hard to push kids to a school they feel they are going to hate. But if they were making silly choices you'd have to have the final say as their parent.

TBF I think a lot depends on the child, the reasons for choosing a school, options available, catchment, distance/accessibility, cost etc.

DS chose a a GS 20 odd miles away as he wanted to do well for himself but if he hadn’t passed his 11 plus comfortably we would have put his excellent comp school which is our catchment school as his first choice. The GS has a much smaller intake than the local comp, is more academic and DS has lots of friends and academically he is doing brilliantly. Admittedly he was on his knees with the long days in term one of year 7. But he loved the school, enjoyed the train journey, has had some fantastic school trips and he likes the friends he travels with on the train. After Christmas he had adjusted to the longer days.

Whereas DD less academic a year later opted for local catchment comp as all her school friends were going. But by the end of year 6 they had all fell out and she doesn’t see anyone from her old primary and isn’t friendly with any of them now.

I’d let her think she’s making the decision, but would always have the last word. An old doesn’t know and can’t decide this.

I would definitely overrule her. She doesn’t have any good reasons and she hasn’t been there enough to pickup a ‘vibe’.

Being able to walk home is a huge deal, af my school the majority of buses drove straight past without stopping, so when a bus finally did stop it was a semi violent scrum to get on.

Thanks Anne, I'm local too so likely to be offered this school. Thanks for responding, appreciated.

Cleeve Park in Sidcup @juneyb? It's got a terrible reputation (I'm local). Lots of bullying according to people I know that had their kids there. A parent I know pulled their year 7 out after Christmas holidays due to some pretty horrid behaviour that the head shrugged their shoulders at.

My DC do a lot of extra curricular and at our high a lot of the kids do extra clubs after school. Those that don't, walk home together / hang out. The fact it's a 10 min walk is a massive positive. I never had that as I went to an RC school 4 miles & a bus/walk away.

Talk to get about dark nights, longer days & awful weather..

My DD1 was 10 when we decided on her secondary school choices. IMO, 10 year olds have no clue about how to make a major life decision which will affect them til they are 18 yrs old, weighing up all the factors. So we decided.

We did take her to all the open days, and presented them all as good possible options.

DD2 will be going to the same school and we decided that too.

Hi, anybody out there got kids at Cleeve Park School and willing to share their experience ? what's it like ? we went for tour today and seemed pretty good with good facilities but its off-putting that is has a 'needs improvement' rating and that they seem to be below national average in results. Heard good reviews locally but really unsure if its right for my daughter. All input appreciated, thanks.

Going back a bit, but here’s the experience of my mum and my aunty.

Both passed their eleven plus and were given option to go to girls only grammar school.

My mum, who enjoyed academic study more went for the option my granma favoured-the Grammar School. She was bullied there and out of her element a bit, not many of her friends from primary went there.

She did well though and went to University. Travelled the world, married twice. Had some significant struggles round feeling she didn’t meet up to her potential, always felt a bit of an outsider.

My aunty was adamant she wanted to go to the school all her friends from primary were going to, which was a school that performed well but wasn’t selective.

She left school at sixteen, worked in one job all her life, married once. In the long run she was probably happier emotionally and more financially successful. Had a less interesting life.

So I think if your DD has such a strong preference, best to let her have her way.

As a parent you can carefully engineer it so they come round to your way of thinking. Pros and cons lists, picking out everything that’s brilliant about the closer schools and being a bit “meh” about the one she likes. Things like wanting to meet up with the friend that lives 7 miles in the opposite direction to your house would mean a 24 mile round trip.

My DD was totally put off one school because our tour overran and the refreshments were being cleared away - she only wanted a glass of water. She loved the rest of the school. Some gentle coaxing got her to realise that was a daft reason to not go there.

So, they should have input but the final decision should be made by you.

I would do as catndogslife suggests during half term at the appropriate time during half term. Look into the costs too and discuss them. Would she be able to move to one of the other schools at a later point or are they all massively oversubscribed?

Our dd was very interested in a school in the next city. We checked the school bus timetable to find out where the closest stop was and the time the bus arrived there (7.30am).
Then we got her up one October morning while it was still dark and walked to the bus stop. We then talked about having to do this everyday. She changed her mind and decided that the closer school was a much better option.
Both these schools were outstanding so this wasn't about the academics.

We discussed this with our DC I made a list of good and bad for each of three schools with input from them and as I saw it. I played devils advocate saying what about this and that etc. But I let them have the final say as I didn’t want them unhappy and blaming me. Both choose different schools for different reasons they were both remarkably mature once we sat down and discussed it and looking back they both choose well.