Worried ds is going to be kicked out of Y12. If he is, what happens next...?

Read Tell Your Children. Smoking lots of pot makes people apathetic, and can lead to psychosis. The pot use needs to stop immediately before dealing with anything else. My sister has used pot heavily for 45 years; she can’t drive and has early dementia.

I hope you can get to the bottom of things - but you must understand that children don’t get 25% extra time in their exams like he has lightly - there must be a genuine reason.
My daughter who passed her 11 plus exam is getting assessed for adhd - she really struggles to start and complete her homework. We have moved house to help get to school on time. We live a 10min walk to her bus stop and we drive her to help make sure she gets there on time and even then she can miss the bus.

I hope it goes well. I think your potential explanations cover all bases and give you both something to work with which doesn’t come from a place of blame or punishment. He’s a lucky boy.

Go to your GP and explain what is happening. Then when they tell you that they think this is par for the course with teenage boys, or, if you are extremely lucky, put him on a lengthy waiting list for an assessment, you find a private psychiatrist through recommendations and fill in lots of questionnaires about what he was like as a child and now. School can also have input and if you have any previous investigations for SEN include them.

They will have an appointment with you and him, maybe some of it alone with him, and from all of that, they will work out if it’s anxiety, cannabis or attention problems or none of the above.

If they suspect ADHD there is also a computer test that your son can do which may make things clearer.

I feel quite strongly about all this. A lot of adults have mental health difficulties because things were written off when they were a teenager. They were seen as difficult and needed to pull their socks up. If I had not pushed back, at the GP, at school, at family members, and paid to get support in place for DS1 quickly, he wouldn’t now be turning a corner. The system sucks because not everyone’s that fortunate - to be able to pay, yes, but to have someone actively listening to them in the first place.

My DS dropped out of high school during the Scottish equivalent of year 12 and ended up bouncing around various jobs and courses with gaps of sitting at home gaming. It took a long time to get him sorted out with an ADHD dx as he was angry and anxious when younger but he is now 23 and on the second year of a computing course. Don't take too long getting him sorted, we were able to jump in earlier with DS3 due to our experience with DS1 and he has managed to reverse his exam year slide and get good qualifications.

I am sorry I think you might be under estimating the problems with his adhd. Sixth form requires more independent learning very hard if you have executive function problems in your brain. Failing him won’t help on this occasion as he has a physical problem. You’ll just crush his spirit. Speak to school about his adhd and try meds. The meds will help him for 6hrs and wear off. Kids have then before school in the morning.

[quote MrsElijahMikaelson1]@TreeTurningYellow

There is no legal requirement for him to be in education post 16, this is completely different to school.

actually there is. Young people have to be in some form of education till they are 18. This doesn’t have to be A levels or school-it could be a college vocational course or an apprenticeship, but they do have to be in an educational space/programme.[/quote]
@MrsElijahMikaelson1 he no longer has the protection of having to be educated, the law over compulsory schooling finishes in June of them turning 16. You can piss around at school even get expelled but another school place has to be found for that child in some sort of provision.

Once they are past 16 and into sixth form the school/college can very easily remove that child's place if they flout the rules. That is the point I was making. Over the years there has been thread after thread of failing year 12 because of lack of engagement and then being stuck because there is only 3 years of funding available and you have just thrown one of them away. From a college point of view why give a year 12 place to someone who has already had a chance when there are willing students
who have just left year 11?

Plus as pointed out above what exactly do you think these monitoring people can do to a 17 year old who isn't in school or on a vocational course? There must be plenty of them out there, some suffering from mental health issues and some just taking the piss. Who exactly is knocking on doors forcing these unwilling, unco-operative children into work they don't want to do? The parents can't make them so who can?

Sorry to sound so bleak, but I have seen this happen so many times. My own brother started smoking as a teen, and has never got a single qualification, or held down a job for more than a couple of days, and is now over 60 and dying of COPD. I have seen so many other teens go the same way over my decades as a teacher, some of whom I still see around the town, jobless, sometimes even homeless.

Can you make him see where this is leading? No point in getting angry, just very serious. Can you get the school on board? The school might give him a few more chances if they understand that this looks like an addiction problem. They will know it is unlikely to work, but most teachers will feel its worth doing everything possible before he writes himself off completely, even if it might well end up being wasted effort.

I really hope you manage to help him turn this around. I cant help feeling my brothers parents gave up too quickly, and they might have been able to influence him more if they had tried harder. ( My mum and step dad)

Its very hard, you have my sympathy. Cannabis is evil. Love to you both xx

Your idea to take him out to dinner and have a good chat sounds good.

Would he be allowed to remain in school if he just does the subjects he’s interested in? That could help in the meantime? Perhaps he could get a part time job in between school times? (Or it may be too difficult to work round his school ‘shifts’).

Staying at school but immediately improving attendance, an apprenticeship, job, or college are presumably his remaining options.

If you could impress upon him that he will NOT be allowed to be sitting around the house all day playing computer games or chilling with his drop-out hash-smoking mates while his parents are at work, that may sharpen him up. He may think there’s an easy ride awaiting!

I’d be telling him that everyone works or attends school in this house. Nobody stays here as a freeloader. So if you leave school/get kicked out you need to do ‘something’. Not nothing!

If you’re choice is a job you can do all the family’s housework and cooking while you are trying to find one. Being at home is not an easy option. You will have to claim benefits and I will be taking most of them in digs money.

This is adult life. I’d be telling him I’m so proud of him and supportive of whatever his choices are BUT he has to choose either to improve attendance or another option NOW.

Sounds like me at that age. Massive fail, the whole 6th form. Combo of no work & arrogance, no-one believed I would fail tho.

Many years later, I have an adhd dx...

I'd let him leave or get him assessed. Lots of mgt won't work, as the adhd is too much at that age, linked to hormones. Things have to be an emergency to get done & schoolwork is just mundane. Is he bright? Has he been able to coast until now?

@TreeTurningYellow

There is no legal requirement for him to be in education post 16, this is completely different to school.

actually there is. Young people have to be in some form of education till they are 18. This doesn’t have to be A levels or school-it could be a college vocational course or an apprenticeship, but they do have to be in an educational space/programme.

What about cannabis OP? Is he smoking at all?

I read your post OP and immediately wondered if he might have ADHD. I could have written your post last year, we were tearing our hair out with DS. He was diagnosed with ADHD last week. It explains so much and is very easy to miss.

The transition from nearly two years of home learning to classrooms and A levels has been difficult for many young people. He could be anxious, bored, out of his depth - he is unlikely to say. If he is asked to leave then you will not find a new programme of study until next Sept. Apprentiships are not easy to find - a good choice but he will need to apply, be interviewed and all that takes effort and time. He will need structure and a job and be prepared for part time or minimum wage as a start. My worry would be the weed which I suspect is the reason for the lateness and lack of engagement. You need a plan for the time when school might tell him to leave otherwise it is going to be difficult to motivate him/get him.out of bed - that would be my main worry.

Sorry to hear of your difficulties, OP. I have a Y13 boy with ADHD and he found the transition to A levels very hard, and lockdown / online learning only made it harder. Y12 was not easy and Y13 isn’t proving that much easier but we are getting there slowly.

Anecdotally, I have heard that DC with ADHD often do find this transition incredibly tough - as one poster on here put it, ‘the wheels come off a bit’. The expectation of more independent and self-directed study, less structure, more self-reliance - the difference between A level and GCSE is huge, it’s a massive step up for all DC and for any with diagnosed or suspected ADHD, it’s unbelievably daunting.

I would not be surprised if your DS’s behaviours are an attempt to mask huge anxiety. Possibly he feels like he’s simply bitten off more than he can chew - especially with essay heavy subjects.

With my DS I have found the best way to try and get him to engage is approaching it very much from the perspective of ‘something needs to change, so what do you need me to do to help you?’ Punishment and threats don’t work. @Anselve makes a very wise point about awareness of brain working differences and self esteem. My DS is acutely aware of his tendency to procrastinate and, even though he knows it’s down to his ADHD, he loathes himself for it. He is so much happier, even at 17, when I take control a bit and help him organise a study plan, for example, because he becomes completely overwhelmed by it all if he tries to do it alone. But with a bit of help with organisation he can actually achieve pretty well. I also find it’s helpful to remind him - regularly - that he is dealing with challenges that many other students do not face and that actually, he should be proud of what he is managing to do. Self esteem is key.

With your DS, the weed will most certainly not be helping but I would still suspect anxiety to be the root of his current behaviours. Definitely try and get him talking, and start thinking about a back up plan - there are other study options if A levels aren’t for him.

Is he smoking cannabis OP? This sounds like a typical cannabis drop out

You could be describing my son. He was dreadful at 6th form. Luckily (for him) covid hit and it meant he could ride out the rest of that year. He would have been chucked out for sure.
He started 6th form college in September 2020 and its been the making of him. He's like a different person. The range of subjects is much better in college.

Have a conversation with him: Son, you are about to be expelled from school, what is your plan? Tell him you are unable to continue paying for his phone, weed, etc unless he is in education; he either has to go to college, find an apprenticeship or find a job.

Stop cooking for him, cleaning after him, washing his clothes, making him coffee, he is not a child any longer. He can have house and food until he is 18 but after that not more support unless he wants to study or is working.

Also stuck out from your initial post - bit of weed, knows everything, lights up about subject he’s interested in.

I would also say DH probably has ADHD but for him it is on the superpower end. However that’s only as an adult. He did worse than expected at A levels, dropped out of first degree after a year, did another degree halfheartedly. Then travelled, met me and started a degree he really wanted and really flew. I don’t recognise the person my in laws talk about as an older teen.

The thing is if your brain works differently you have to know that so you can work around it and develop coping strategies. As a parent you need to know that they’re not doing it on purpose to annoy you. Otherwise they’re going to end up with low self esteem and no confidence because things that work for most of us don’t work for them

Instead of asking him if he done his work, ask detailed questions about what he is learning. Be interested. Ask him to elaborate. Ask him to explain concepts. Ask him questions that make him think.