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Original poster

Who gets final say over secondary school preference?

36 replies

longestlurkerever · 04/10/2021 10:18

So my dd and I have come up with our shortlist of 3 schools together taking into account each other's criteria (hers mainly distance and feel, mine mainly performance and safety). When it comes to the order of preference, her first choice would probably be my third.

Her reason for preference is her bff is likely to go there and it's the nearest (though they're all just about walkable or one bus, we've ruled out anything further away and they're all decent schools - good or outstanding ofsted, between 0.4 and 0.8 progress 8 and 0.49 and 0.59 attainment 8). Hers has the lowest scores of the three. It is, though, the only one we are guaranteed to get a place at so I certainly don't want to rubbish it as an option in her eyes, and I'm sure it would be fine.

Do I put down her preference first, knowing we will definitely get it and be ruled out of consideration for the other 2, or do I try to talk her into putting the others ahead of it? Or, third option, nod and smile at her preferred option but put it down as third preference, knowing that it's extremely unlikely we'd be offered one of the others on offer day and defer the conversation to if and when we get offered a waiting list place? Latter feels sensible but a bit of a betrayal.

I suppose what I'm asking is what weight did you put on your child's primary friendships in making a secondary school choice? Dd has struggled with friendships a bit in the past and is actively looking to make more friends in secondary. Part of me thinks it could be a mistake having one good friend in her new school as she might not dive into making other new friends, and she could still see current bff out of school but on the other hand I don't want that backfiring and her ending up with no good friends at school at all, or her being scared all year about the prospect of secondary school, as she's currently quite positive about it.

I think I'm leaning towards letting her have final say but is that silly?

OP posts:
Original poster
longestlurkerever · 04/10/2021 11:39

Thanks, I agree that's important but it's really hard to build an accurate picture. Open days a bit restricted at the moment but they obviously all say the right things. I don't know many families at each school and the ones I do say slightly contradictory things. We did rule out one school we visited on ethos/feel though as it just felt a bit too stifling. I think, again, these have a similar vibe, though I think maybe the co-ed school has the least nurturing feel though, conversely, I like that it's co-ed.

OP posts:
TeenMinusTests · 04/10/2021 11:28

You haven't really mentioned ethos & feel.
I think those are very important together with pastoral care.
Single v mixed sex is big too in my opinion.

The Ofsteds are similar, the progress & attainment scores not wildly different.

Is there a difference in strictness, pushyness, homework etc?

Original poster
longestlurkerever · 04/10/2021 11:16

Also her preference school seems a little bit more volatile. Could be on the up and about to be the next big thing as they have a new head and it does feel surprisingly overlooked locally, but could be about to lose its 6th form which may cause some good teachers to leave. The others feel safer bets to me, academically, but then I have heard the pastoral care is better at her preference school than the second choice one, and that's important to me too, especially, as I say, she's struggled with friendships in the past. Maybe I'll split the difference and go for the two girls schools ahead of the second choice one!

OP posts:
Original poster
longestlurkerever · 04/10/2021 11:13

Thanks all! You've all articulated my dilemma pretty well, especially puffy! I think I'm in the wrangling over a few percentage points territory, so I'm not massively stressed about it either way but thanks for not making me feel like a dragon for thinking of putting other schools ahead of her preference. It's hard to say whether she'd have other friends at the other schools as we're all in similar boats re hoping to be lucky with waiting lists etc but her other primary friends are mostly going to schools we can't consider (private schools, selective schools of one sort or another, sibling priority/looked after criteria). She might have one classmate and one acquaintance at my first choice preference and a couple of friends at my second choice, a handful of classmates at her preference school including bff.

I suppose my reasons for preferring the other 2 are in the case of first choice school, its impressive progress 8/attainment 8/ofsted outstanding rating. In the case of second choice school it's co-ed (the other two are girls' schools which I can live with but isn't my preference), better progress 8/attainment 8. It's not an order of magnitude better though, so we are in the territory where friendships could swing it though, as puffy says, double-edged sword there. Difficult to predict.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/10/2021 10:37

In this scenario we explained to DC that we would take their preference into account but would make the final decision. We put the ‘might get in on a good day’ as option 1 (our preferred school) and ‘sure thing’ as option 2 (DC’s preferred school). In the event got option 2, top 10 waiting list for school 1. We were offered school 1 during the autumn term of Yr7 but at that point felt - for various reasons - that we wouldn’t force a move.

puffyisgood · 04/10/2021 10:35

Having friends to start with is a tricky one, arguably a two-edged sword - for some kids, it might give them confidence/a basecamp to meet other children, help through mutual friendships, etc. For others, it might arguably stop them from spreading their wings as fully.

Smartiepants79 · 04/10/2021 10:33

You. You get the final say. Which one do you believe is going to set her up well for the rest of her future. She’s 10/11. She is a child.
It sounds like in the end she might get what she thinks she wants anyway but I would definitely make sure that what I thought was the best choice is what we aimed for.

Doglicks · 04/10/2021 10:31

I think it's up to you tbh. You listen to your daughter yes, but ultimately you are the parent and she is the child and you have the final say when it's to do with the impact on the rest of her life.

Theunamedcat · 04/10/2021 10:28

Ignore the friends part my ds went to school with his friends he hardly ever sees them now he has made new friends

puffyisgood · 04/10/2021 10:26

All four of the factors you cite are relevant.

Off the top of my head I'd rank them something ROUGHLY like this, and of course you can't use these numbers to arrive at a precise quantified ranking of options because the factors aren't all measured in the same units, e.g. how would another 10 minutes' travel time compare with another 2 friends?

Distance: 30%
Progress: 40%
Attainment: 20%
Primary school friendships: 10%

Seeline · 04/10/2021 10:24

I think the main consideration is why you would put it third?

What makes it worse than 2 other schools in oyur eyes?

TBH I wouldn't put too much weight on her best friend going to a school (again, will her parents put it first/how likely is she to get a place?). Kids usually make new friends very quickly. Would others from her primary school be likely to be going to all of the schools, or just that one?