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Original poster

Should I move heaven and earth to get DD (13) into a better school?

62 replies

FrazzledY9Parent · 23/09/2021 18:02

DD is in Y9 at our local secondary school. The school has some really good features and I know lots of parents are very happy with it. However, it does not stretch DD at all and she has become bored and frustrated. (They only set for Science.)

At parents' evening the teachers all said how great she was, and that she was top of the class, but she says she's operating at 30% of what she could achieve. Her attitude towards school has completely deteriorated and she makes little or no effort with her homework (which is largely pointless copying bullet points from a handout, so I can see her point).

She has high aspirations and wants to apply to Oxford. I know that she has the ability to do very well at GCSE despite the less academic ethos of the school - she'd have good support from me. But it saddens me that she's not stimulated/engaged by school, and I worry that she'll lose interest.

Should I move her before Y10 (when GCSEs will start)?

Every secondary in our city is oversubscribed, so we'd have to move very close to one and go on a waiting list. Having spoken to other parents, I don't think there are any that really have an academic ethos (a lot of people go private and I am beginning to understand why).

Private is off the table for financial reasons plus her dad would never agree.

So realistically we would need to move out of the city and into the surrounding area where there are some more academic state schools.

Is it worth it? Or should I just hold my nerve and hope things pick up a bit in Y10/11?

Would greatly appreciate input from those who have been there/done that!

OP posts:
Original poster
FrazzledY9Parent · 23/09/2021 19:36

@Innocenta

Which subjects is she drawn to? What excites her intellectually? What is she reading? What does she say attracts her about Oxford?

I think it's important to understand what makes her tick - as a thinker and learner - in order to figure out what might help.

She loves Science, Geography, Maths, Music. Definitely more of a facts person that an interpretation person. I am the other way round, so don't always know what would float her boat.

Re Oxford she likes the idea of being somewhere challenging - she would like to have a peer group that stretches her intellectually.

OP posts:
Innocenta · 23/09/2021 19:28

Which subjects is she drawn to? What excites her intellectually? What is she reading? What does she say attracts her about Oxford?

I think it's important to understand what makes her tick - as a thinker and learner - in order to figure out what might help.

Sunnyfreezesushi · 23/09/2021 19:27

Have you looked into state boarding schools and bursaries in private schools? Lots of top private schools help driven and talented children with no means to pay.

Original poster
FrazzledY9Parent · 23/09/2021 19:24

But I do appreciate your perspective @JuneOsborne, and think there's a lot in it!

OP posts:
Original poster
FrazzledY9Parent · 23/09/2021 19:23

@JuneOsborne

Or, she needs to suck it up and learn some resilience. I know that sounds hard and harsh. But if she capable of the very top grades, she should get them wherever she is. And by all accounts, it's a decent school. To use not being stretched as an excuse to opt out of the work involved is the sort of silly logic a 13 year old applies to situations and needs telling that she is being silly.

Kids who knuckle down get the best grades and what's to say she'll knuckle down at the next school.

By all means, tutor her, stretch her that way, but as her parent, you tell her to knuckle down and get on with the business of achieving the grades she needs to get into oxbridge, because they don't like shirkers or applicants with shit grades.

Don't bloody move.

I know it all sounds harsh, I'm sorry about that, but I do think it's true.

She does knuckle down, she gets 90-100 in all her tests. It bothers me that she can be doing so "well" but yet be disengaged and bored, seemingly doing minimal homework.

Having said that, I do agree with you that you can get good grades in any school and it's a much better preparation for Oxbridge/life to do so in a ok school than in a great one.

I just feel bad when I talk to friends who have kids in private/great state schools and they seem to be having a much more interesting time and be far more stimulated.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrazzledY9Parent · 23/09/2021 19:16

@BluebellsGreenbells

So you’d move closer to an oversubscribed school with a better work ethic, on the off chance she’d get accepted, and pay £££ in removal fees, solicitors fees and estate agent fees and tax to boot, plus an increase in mortgage payments, but see private school as out of reach?
If I was moving it would be out of the city to a guaranteed school place where houses are the same price if not cheaper. The last time I moved it cost me £15k which could be absorbed in the mortgage - school fees here are a minimum of £15k per year which absolutely is out of reach.
OP posts:
JuneOsborne · 23/09/2021 18:39

Or, she needs to suck it up and learn some resilience. I know that sounds hard and harsh. But if she capable of the very top grades, she should get them wherever she is. And by all accounts, it's a decent school. To use not being stretched as an excuse to opt out of the work involved is the sort of silly logic a 13 year old applies to situations and needs telling that she is being silly.

Kids who knuckle down get the best grades and what's to say she'll knuckle down at the next school.

By all means, tutor her, stretch her that way, but as her parent, you tell her to knuckle down and get on with the business of achieving the grades she needs to get into oxbridge, because they don't like shirkers or applicants with shit grades.

Don't bloody move.

I know it all sounds harsh, I'm sorry about that, but I do think it's true.

BluebellsGreenbells · 23/09/2021 18:35

So you’d move closer to an oversubscribed school with a better work ethic, on the off chance she’d get accepted, and pay £££ in removal fees, solicitors fees and estate agent fees and tax to boot, plus an increase in mortgage payments, but see private school as out of reach?

Original poster
FrazzledY9Parent · 23/09/2021 18:32

I've spoken to school but the response hasn't been brilliant. I do get it - it's not top of their priority list with a very socially-diverse catchment, and the aftermath of Covid.

I think she'd enjoy tutoring, but I think the fundamental problem is that she is bored in school all day and this is sapping her morale and motivation. I knew the school wasn't super academic, but I hadn't anticipated the impact it would have on her mentally.

OP posts:
EduCated · 23/09/2021 18:26

The risk is that you move and no spaces become available at the other schools. Realistically you wouldn’t want to move her once she’s started GCSE courses as it would be too disruptive, so you’ve only a small window of time.

Have you spoken to school? Specifically raised your concerns and asked for their help in addressing them?

How would your DD react to the idea of tutoring outside of school, with a view to enrichment rather than catching up?

Original poster
FrazzledY9Parent · 23/09/2021 18:14

That's good advice, DoesHePlay, and I'd definitely want to do that.

I wouldn't say she's happy enough where she is though, she's pretty frustrated and is getting a bad attitude. She drags herself into school, and I feel like she's lost respect for the school and the teachers - it often feels like she's a bit insolent? This really bothers me, as I have always been very respectful about school and she had a great attitude in primary and was really looking forward to secondary. Obviously Covid and adolescent hormones haven't helped!

OP posts:
DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 23/09/2021 18:11

What does she want?

If she's happy enough where she is, you can address the 'stretching' issue together.

Find out her options choices, the exam boards and course reference numbers. Then go for it. Look at each syllabus, do the basics, then enrich. For example, school might take them on two theatre visits. You could make that two a month, talking about the topics in the syllabus as you go. In class (or privately after class), she can utilise the teacher as a resource, ask some in-depth questions that haven't be covered in class. Approach GCSEs like a computer game, with different levels and obstacles to overcome. It can be fun.

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