"We don't want you to sit with us"

I have 3DC, one of whose has ASD. There’s no way in gods green earth I would ever ask for this to be done. Why would you encourage a child with SEN/social needs to basically force their way into a group that doesn’t want them? What does that teach them? If someone tells my son they don’t want to play with him, I tell him that fine, sometimes he doesn’t want to play with others either.

Equally, my elder child has recently told me he is desperate to say something similar to a child that keeps following him/his friends around. He hasn’t, but it is bloody frustrating to be trailed around daily by somebody who don’t like, regardless of additional needs. Perhaps the child in question has asked nicely many times and just got fed up?

I had no friends for a good part of secondary school and used to wander around alone at times - feeling extremely self conscious and ashamed. Sometimes I used to hang around the edges of some groups just to not look like I was alone.

The thing is though -I think you can’t expect other children to include your son or even to have him always hanging out near them - its not realistic. Its hard for you and your son at the moment but its not the responsibility of those children to make things ok.

But if they are just a bit uncool and dull or awkward, why not make an effort sometimes and help that person relax and enjoy his lunch, making conversation

I agree with this, but is it sometimes or is it every day? I know as an adult I would not have lunch with someone I didn’t really want to every day! I’d be more polite about it, but that’s life experience.

OP. YABU. Hear me out...

I'm the mother of a Yr 8 boy with additional needs, and honestly, as you should know the struggles we face, having also raised a non neurotypical child for over a decade, I have to say, you are coming across very blinkered for someone with so much experience.

Our children are many things. Often super bright. Unique. Inspiring. Creative. Fabulously weird. The John Cleeses and Stephen Fry's of the world.

But, (and you know this) they can also be too in your face. Socially backwards. Honestly, sometimes just relentlessly irritating. You know this as much as I do.

No, it's not their fault. But it's not the fault of the other children either. Sorry OP, but it sounds like they just don't like him. They're not swearing, or being nasty. And yes, it's sad when it's your (my) child who's not being accepted. But this ain't the first rodeo, and it ain't the last.

This isn't a classroom lesson, where the children sit where they're told, and it seems one of the boys happily chats to your DS in that context. This is the children's social time at lunch. And they have spent a few lunchtimes with your son, and decided they don't want to spend anymore. He doesn't get to impose himself on whoever he likes and they have to accept him, or its bullying. They said no. That's something he needs to learn is ok to hear. They're not stopping him having lunch, or infact sitting somewhere else. They're allowed to eat their lunch with their friends, and you can't force your DS into that dynamic if he doesn't fit.

The school are right, and deep down, you know they are. Because that's how life works. Some people will like you, some people won't. Teaching him that the other children are wrong or unkind because he can't involve himself as he prefers in their lunch, when they simply don't want him too, is setting him up to fail.

Talk to him. Try and help him understand that there are many other places he could sit, and other children he can get to know. And some will like him. Some won't.

[quote challengerequired]@romdowa you do understand that it's not as simple as that?[/quote]
I have asd and adhd so I do understand its not as simple as that but what is the alternative? Continue to force him where he isn't wanted?I hope you figure out a way to make his way in the world easier but what you want to happen is only going to make things worse for your son.

if the presence of the other child is making the group feel uncomfortable, they shouldn’t be forced to sit with them.

But they should be actively encouraged to question why it makes them uncomfortable. If someone behaves aggressively or rudely then they have grounds for rejecting that person outright. But if they are just a bit uncool and dull or awkward, why not make an effort sometimes and help that person relax and enjoy his lunch, making conversation. We don't move through life avoiding all discomfort and it does none of us any harm to feel a bit of discomfort if we can make a big difference to how someone else feels. Empathy isn't social weakness. Nor is it disempowering.

It’s hard to say without specifics, but if they are sat at tables, and he is taking a seat so that one of the friendship group has to sit elsewhere, or if he is constantly diverting the conversation to cars which the one boy likes but isn’t a feature of the group dynamic I can see why the other kids are getting fed up, and it is their leisure time too.

If he’s sitting there quietly and him being there doesn’t pop anyone else out of the group I think they are being mean.

Perhaps a compromise might be for him to ask the boy he gets on with if he can sit with them on one or two particular days each week?

To be honest I’d be more cross about staff in the Hub allowing him to be forced out of there, that should be his safe space shouldn’t it?

You could call for an emergency review of the EHCP? Then insist that the school tackles the issue. Sounds like his best bet will be to have more intensive support at the SEN hub. If the school can't do that, then they can't meet his needs and that will be another conversation.

In*
Put*

Ouch, this would break my hurt if I knew my child was by themselves. Kids are so cruel. On school I was friends with a girl with learning difficulties and would always make sure she was okay and sat with us. Her mum many years later pulled me aside and thanked me for always including her in what I was doing. Said it out her mind at ease knowing she had such a caring and kind friend.

Some of these comments you have had are cruel.

Some children really need to be brought up to be kinder people. Some of the posters on here, you can start to see why some kids act and do what they do.

Can you amend his EHCP to specifically include this sort of support?

Honestly at 14/ 15 forcing his presence into a group is only going to cause resentment. Its sad but you really can't force people to spend their free time with another person against their will. If your son has problems where ever he goes , which is sounds like he does from your replies , then maybe it's up son who needs to change here. Otherwise as you said his whole life is going to be difficult.

I’m sorry your DS is being let down by his school.

It sounds as if the school is failing to meet his needs. Have you made a formal complaint to the head? Or to the governors? Would a fresh start in a new school with better support be an option?

I'm sorry, this sounds really tough . Yes, children shouldn't be forced to make friends but neither should your son have to spend his formative years in a place which is making him miserable.

I can see it from sides. Lunch time is the only time the kids get to sit down, socialise and eat amongst their friends for a decent length of time. So, they want to spend their time with the people they want to be around.

In class, they'll need to mix with everyone, do group work with whomever they're put with, sit where they're told to sit. Morning break is short so not really counting. I can understand not wanting to be lumbered with someone they arent friends with.

But, on the other hand, it's an unkind way to behave. They're old enough to understand the difficulties the child is facing and that allowing him to just sit with them could ease his discomfort at school and they could actually learn something by befriending someone different from them.

I think it's a discussion to have with the school, but you do need to accept that you cannot force the other kids to spend their social time with someone they dont want to be around.

The response of the student being told that should be "well feel free to bugger off then".

The school should be helping him with his social skills and the fact that the two boys dislike each other should have been used as an opportunity to model how to deal with that.

’Used to go to the "hub" for children with SEN but there also wasn't tolerated and staff didn't proactively do anything to promote harmony.’

I would be furious about that.