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Original poster

"We don't want you to sit with us"

268 replies

challengerequired · 12/06/2021 11:12

Is this ever an ok thing to say? When the student in question is just sitting quietly?
Head of Year thinks it's okay - "you can't force people to be friends"

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 12/06/2021 11:53

No one student has the right to dictate where other students can or can't sit. The student or students who are telling him he can't sit there need putting straight by a teacher. These mini dictators don't own the canteen.

JoveWhenHeSawMyFannysFace · 12/06/2021 11:48

Ah, that’s difficult.

If they really aren’t friends I wouldn’t expect the same group of people to always be the ones to have “their” space encroached on. I’d expect them to be ok with it sometimes, but I can imagine they also want their own space sometimes. Are there other groups the child might feel comfortable sitting with, perhaps on a rotational basis?

blahblahblah321 · 12/06/2021 11:48

What do you mean "no demands, other than to sit in the vicinity of this group"?

TeenMinusTests · 12/06/2021 11:47

If it is at lunch for eating lunch in a particular area, then the group should be tolerant.
But bluntly, if it is every lunch I can see that would get annoying/wearing for the group and their patience would be tested.

I feel as if another solution is needed by the school. helping the student find more friends somehow and supporting them at lunch. In a year group in a secondary school it should be possible.

NannyAndJohn · 12/06/2021 11:46

@challengerequired

Okay, sorry for dripfeed. So the student being rejected has special needs and struggles socially. Has no other demands other than to be allowed to sit in the vicinity of this particular group.
Is there a member of staff (dinner lady?) who could help this pupil find a group which doesn't find his presence off-putting?
NannyAndJohn · 12/06/2021 11:44

@JoveWhenHeSawMyFannysFace Having to put up with an annoying colleague at work is a far cry from a group of teenage girls being forced into having some (usually male) pupil they don't know sit with them when they're trying to talk about teenage girl things.

MoreAloneTime · 12/06/2021 11:44

That sounds a bit mean, obviously needs a seat for lunch. Does the student always pick their groups table? I could see why that would be potentially awkward.

Original poster
challengerequired · 12/06/2021 11:42

So it's not about friends as such but about being allowed to sit somewhere at lunch

OP posts:
dameofdilemma · 12/06/2021 11:42

It’s rude and immature.
I’d be ashamed of dd if she didn’t have enough patience and empathy to tolerate another student sitting quietly near her.

Grown up life is going to come as a shock to some kids. You can often spot the type in the workplace.

Original poster
challengerequired · 12/06/2021 11:41

Okay, sorry for dripfeed.
So the student being rejected has special needs and struggles socially.
Has no other demands other than to be allowed to sit in the vicinity of this particular group.

OP posts:
MoreAloneTime · 12/06/2021 11:36

It depends on the context but in general I'm very cynical about trying to force people to be friends.

JoveWhenHeSawMyFannysFace · 12/06/2021 11:34

@NannyAndJohn

It's blunt. But no one should be forced into having their space encroached by someone they don't feel comfortable around.

The "must accept everyone regardless or you're a bully" argument is not something we should be forcing on our children, especially girls.

It depends on the context though, surely?

There’s people at work I’d prefer not to sit with. But unless there’s an actual reason, I have to suck it up and get on with it sometimes while I’m at work / at a work social event. And being able to have cordial relationships with people you dislike is a valuable life skill.

However, if I was going to a purely social lunch with a work friend and one of the people I don’t like tried to tag along, I wouldn’t be so accommodating.

IslandLulu · 12/06/2021 11:34

Not ok.

The student who said it needs a few lessons in basic manners and empathy.

Wallabyone · 12/06/2021 11:30

I just think that I wouldn't say this to someone in my workplace, so why should someone say it to a peer? If they're sitting in a communal space eating their lunch? It seems spectacularly rude and unkind.

NannyAndJohn · 12/06/2021 11:27

It's blunt. But no one should be forced into having their space encroached by someone they don't feel comfortable around.

The "must accept everyone regardless or you're a bully" argument is not something we should be forcing on our children, especially girls.

Nohomemadecandles · 12/06/2021 11:21

It's rude and unpleasant and cruel, yes.

But if school does intervene, they still won't "want" you to sit with them. They'll just have to pretend to tolerate it. The sentiment won't change.

TeenMinusTests · 12/06/2021 11:18

I think it depends on context.
You can't force people to be friends but there are occasions when groups should at least tolerate additional people.

e.g:

  • in lessons if in groups they should be accepting and 'professional'
  • in the canteen if spaces are limited then they should be accepting of additional people
  • at break or lunch when people can go wherever, then maybe it's OK (though could be worded nicer)?

(And I say this as a parent whose DDs struggled socially).

School should help social misfits find their place, and provide them with places to meet if needed.

Arbadacarba · 12/06/2021 11:16

It's not really anything to do with being friends. Sitting with someone isn't a declaration of friendship. It's a rude thing to say in my opinion.