Considering move from state to private - what to ask?

So, no progress in persuading her that making herself completely invisible, and refusing to willingly take any active part in lessons is the road to nowhere?

No doubt she'll do well anyway - but it seems such a waste of her school life. Never mind any new school - you really, really need to be interrogating her current school in the attitudes they're instilling in pupils.

Ask her to try one term in the private school and tell her that if she hates it she can move again. I'm sure the state school will still have places later. The likelihood is that she will move and never look back.

I think she just wants something similar to her old school but with different friends

Have you tried modelling resilience to your DD, instead of running around in circles (and potentially beggaring yourselves) because she doesn't like this, doesn't like that, hates this, hates that?

You know your dd but one of mine went to state school until year 9 when we moved her to the private school. It's worth mentioning that she almost immediately lost all her state school friends - just wasn't invited to anything any more so that that was that. It's almost 2 years in and now I can barely get her to come home she loves it so much.

A really good private school should find something your dd is really good at and encourage it. My dd has ended up being really good at debating (was really shy when she first joined) and tennis (had never played before). The teachers suggested she try both then immediately encouraged her, put her in teams etc. It's that that gives them loads of confidence IME.

I'm more excited about the private school option now the OP has revealed it also has boarders. (Not sure if primarily day with boarding or vice versa.) I honestly think an international student body is itself the best education in the world. Obviously one can find this in central London state schools, and to some extent in other cities' schools - perhaps less so in deprived areas of Scotland? (Though I'm aware that refugees are often 'dispersed' to Scotland.)

The private school sounds best for her.

Interesting hearing "MayI's* post/past. Much depends on the private school, but I agree they can show children a wider choice of careers including simply from what the friends' parents do. Almost all my children didn't go on school ski trips (simply because we went skiing as a family anyway and those were in nicer hotels!) but their private day schools have a wide mix of pupils including lots of children with 4 or 5 adults running corner shops etc putting every last penny into one child's school fees - by no means everyone is a the son of a diplomat or leading banker.

I’m really glad you liked the school, at least you have one option now. In terms of your DD’s concerns, they are probably reasonably realistic. My DD dislikes being picked out too (at an indie with small class sizes) but she manages as the teachers tend to make it fun (eg throwing a tennis ball around in language lessons).

Ideally though, you would have a choice and your dd could decide for herself. How much do you know about the other state school?

From a practical point of view find out when they start gcse courses - my school is private but we start our gcse course for history in year 9 - you don't want a late move to affect option choices

Sorry, you said Music, not Maths - but the point still stands!

OP, I feel I'm haranguing you, slightly! I hope it doesn't feel like that. You may have guessed that I also, several centuries ago, moved at 13 from state to independent school. Comprehensive schools were quite new then (I'd anticipated grammar school via the 11+ but suddenly that option disappeared.) Mine was perfectly fine - no disruptions or major concerns - my parents were ambitious for their children and I was expected to work hard and do well - but it was still a huge culture shock moving to a highly academic, independent girls' school. Essentially, the horizons of my new schoolmates were just so much broader. It wasn't just the riding and sailing and Grade 7 music and proper Latin teaching; their parents had jobs in institutions I'd barely heard of, there was a familiarity with the world outside England, a knowledge of the existence of conservatoires, drama schools, art schools, as well as the clear assumption of university ... I never went on the skiing trips, but I did begin to learn how the people who ran the country conducted their lives.

As regards your daughter's primary school teaching ambitions - it sounds as if she's naming the only profession she has much familiarity with?

One thing you could usefully do with her, while life is still rather restricted, is have a look at the Art, Chemistry and Mathematics departments of some universities. Everything is available on their websites; let her investigate both the undergraduate curricula and the research currently going on and read how the students got there. Does she have any opinion or excitement about the science presently rescuing us from the global pandemic?

Op, I have a ds who was utterly bored by state primary school and was becoming angry and resentful that they were so slow.
We visited the local state secondaries and also two independents, a well known one and a small non-selective one. I went to state and am a mid earning single mum so not their typical parent.

Ds liked the small local one of all the schools because of their science and maths which he said was faster and much more interesting. He did three taster days.
Class sizes are smaller which is good for teaching but also limits the number of potential friends, so you probably don't want too small
Organise some taster days, ask if there are any events coming up (sports days, summer fairs etc) where you can get a feel for the social side of the school, and ask to see all their exam figures if they don't publish them. If they have a 6th form, check what % stay into 6th form. Some schools have a nasty habit of asking pupils who haven't performed well to leave after GCSEs, which I think is rotten.
But most of all, don't let the fact that it's private, put you off. They're just people the same as you. Listen to what your daughter thinks too. Good luck.

there isn't really anything like that on offer at her secondary nor by the local council.

You know, if she does go to the new school, I bet you'll find there are lots of activities happening within say a 40 or 50 mile radius that you just weren't aware of. Some, involving horses and boats, will be £££, but others - like perhaps regular weekend workshops at the nearest city's gallery, theatre, or museum, will be closer to free. (Obviously covid has made things difficult lately.)

Do you have friends involved professionally in things she's interested in? And does she have any inkling of what she might like to do / study in the future? What I'm saying is you can't leave things until she joins the school. She'll need noteworthy experiences in her pocket to talk about once she gets there - otherwise she might experience every conversation with her new peers as them 'showing off'.

ExpulsoCorona is right that she has plenty of time to adjust, but there's plenty you can be doing from now to make the transition easier for her.

We moved one of ours for similar reasons but always had it at the back of mind as an option for year 7 anyway though, she loves it, made new friends, kept old friends, does clubs mainly sports (no extra costs but way better provision than state) the facilities are amazing for art and sciences and drama, she is allowed to be herself, it’s not posh at private school, that stereotype is irritating and narrow minded, the children at my dd’s
School are encouraged to be themselves, high expectations are made and it is part of the ethos of the place that nothing can hold you back, it’s ok to be clever, arty sporty or any combination of the above etc etc, pastoral care is very very good, for what it’s worth my dd was highly achieving where she was in state but now she is really flying and she also disliked the behavioural distractions and the practice of helping others with their work once she was done, why should she do this when really she should have been given more challenging work, now she can be stretched to meet her full potential in smaller classes with zero behaviour issues…view the place with an open mind and see if your dd likes the feel of the place and the facilities available, the smaller classes are well worth the cost for us and it’s a far nicer journey albeit to the same grades as top set state for many but i think as much enjoyment should be had about the journey not just the destination, if your dd is not having a good journey and you can afford it then move her

At 13 she has plenty of time to adjust. I went to a rough comp until GCSEs and then to a grammar school for sixth form. It was really strange to experience the totally different attitude to learning and achievement but definitely not too late.

So is she challenging herself (apart from Minecraft) and developing new skills? I asked earlier if you were able to take her to art galleries, etc. If she's interested in Art, how much is she pushing herself to learn and improve?

Look - if this potential new school is anything like independent schools in England (and I see no reason why it wouldn't be) the ethos will be one of 'work hard, play hard'. The more successful children will be busy - constantly trying to win; whether that's on the sports field or in the orchestra or in a maths competition. They'll be talking about their efforts and achievements all the time. Your daughter might find things (friends, popularity, her share of praise) tough, unless she develops an attitude of striving to succeed, in and out of lessons.

It sounds (forgive me!) as if there's a real culture of resentment against learning at her current school. Such a shame to hear that she perceives normal pupil teacher interaction as being 'picked on'. That's not good - at 13. Has she really not begun to understand the necessity of challenge as a way of moving forward? Are all her teachers so hopelessly uninspiring?

How does she spend her time out of school?