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Original poster

Secondary decision: conversation re private vs state?

57 replies

Poodlesarecool · 28/05/2021 11:24

Hi,

I’m after some views please! I am mum to 2 boys, both at state primary, both doing well (one being top of class).

I have a decision to make about secondary school. I should say here my hubs and I are both state educated through and through. Both successful, he more than me. We live very comfortably and are very aware of this privilege.

I had always intended to send the boys to good state secondary nearby but I had a telephone chat with an extremely close friend yesterday which has totally shaken me. I have always felt school choices are incredibly personal and there should be no judgment.

So friend basically made uninvited commentary that we should sell our house and downsize to fund the kids through private school. She said that if the children go to state school they’ll be mixing with a “working class demographic” compared to more “elite” demographic at private school (for the record I’m not far off what she’d consider to be a working class background so that stung somewhat. Struck me as very entitled, privileged and divisive). She said that speech and manners, confidence and opportunities are greater at private school. She has friends in Cheshire with a large house and can’t understand why they send their kids to state school, she thinks they should sell their house and downsize and their priorities are wrong. The implication being that our priorities are wrong too.

I was very stung and upset - I felt judged like I was being told I don’t prioritise my children. We had always thought we’d send them to very good state secondary and sort private tutors and supplement their education where needed, and ensure they enjoy a wide range of activities outside of school. This conversation has really shaken me.

Will we really be doing our children a disservice by not sending to private? I do accept the opportunities and environment will be better, but overall academic achievement and lifetime prospects will I be damaging my children’s future?! This is how this conversation left me feeling.

It’s sad too - what’s been said can’t be unsaid. I don’t think she realises the damage she has caused to our friendship.

Just interested to hear if I’m missing something here. Thanks all x

OP posts:
Liam436 · 28/05/2021 14:16

We have a DD and looked at several private schools in our area. We eventually settled for a local state school. That has turned out very well for DD. Rejecting the private schools was the right decision.

Our reasons were as follows:

  1. Terrible value for money. Private schools today are a scam and just take advantage of people. At one school we applied for fees were something like £25,000 a year JUST FOR DAY TUITION. For that amount of money I want full boarding with single rooms, en-suit bathrooms and all the other luxury facilities. Instead, these schools are just using the money on excess staffing with two-thirds of the teachers sitting on their bottoms doing nothing all day or they are just lining their pockets.

  2. Most private schools are not good with kids who are having problems. Our DD has aspergers and dyslexia and so it was an obvious case in our regard. But even normal kids may develop problems later in their teenage years even if they were okay at age 10-11. I was once told of a case where a boy was asked to leave a school after he had been there for five years basically because he wasn't going to "make the grade". Five years of fees had been wasted. They may talk about having good pastoral care, but believe me, it's ALL FOR SHOW. There schools do not care about your child, only their league table performance.

Sorry for the rant, but we don't like it when people are exploited.

Original poster
Poodlesarecool · 28/05/2021 13:51

Thank you all, you’ve just endorsed my thinking on this. And @Legoninjago1, thank you and no not rude. I was trying to clarify my thoughts on this. This was a good long term close friend and I genuinely feel a bit shell shocked that someone I held in high esteem could have such ridiculous, and very upsetting views. What’s been said can’t be unsaid. It’s reassuring to get this feedback with others’ views

OP posts:
Legoninjago1 · 28/05/2021 11:56

I don't mean to be rude but do you really need to ask? If an 'extremely close friend' said something so dumb to me, I'd be telling them to button it and demoting them to ex-extremely close friend!
There are many reasons why people choose private over state and state over private and most, on both sides, are completely valid. Going private to avoid 'working class' kids is just as stupid as going state to avoid 'elite' kids.

DragonflyInn · 28/05/2021 11:52

Ha I wouldn’t be reevaluating my thoughts on schools, but would most certainly be reevaluating my friendship.

For what it’s worth, my dc were both state primary educated and have gone (or are going) to private senior. But that’s purely because we feel the schools in question are the best options for our children. I would never think for a moment that state secondary can’t be a brilliant choice, and give a brilliant education.

Realistically, you must know she is talking out of her arse! Ignore her, and be proud of your choices for your children.

Alsoplayspiccolo · 28/05/2021 11:51

What a load of nonsense she's speaking!
For the record, both my children went through state primary, and DD did year 7 in our local comp; both are now in private schools.
We are very definitely not well-off, well-connnected, or any of the supposed attributes she imagines private school parents have. There are many, many other parents like us at the school, so there's a good chance her children and you're would be mixing with children like my terribly uncouth oiks Hmm
Likewise, in our local comp, there are plenty of very well-off, successful parents.

Money doesn't mean manners, social graces or connections, neccesarily, and a good school is a good school , regardless of being state or private.

Iminthemoodfordancing · 28/05/2021 11:51

Ignore her- she sounds like a loon (and an insufferable snobbish one at that..). My top tip would avoid any school her kids go to!
Having said that my DCs do go to independent secondary schools and we do get snide comments from family members about that- works both ways!

smallbusinessowner · 28/05/2021 11:33

With friends like that, who needs enemies.. I would reconsider the friendship tbh