Dulwich College a “breeding ground for sexual predators”

@AccidentallyOnPurpose I want to give you the most enormous hug. Sending it virtually. Your words are very triggering to my own experiences. Take care. X

@Oohhhbetty Exactly. Elitist attitudes which may or may not be learnt at home but which are more common in schools which actively encourage their pupils to believe they are special and better than others.

Apologies for the essay.

I can't speak for DC as I have no ties to it, but I'll tell you what I have observed at my school.

Group of boys from influential, wealthy families. Treated like they walked on water. Their behaviour left unchecked in lessons and breaks. Any complaints of hitting, bullying, harassment etc ignored and not acted on. Most of the times the victim would get in trouble , particularly if female or if they retaliated. They would request who to sit next to. If it was a girl, it wouldn't be long until we saw them feeling her up under her uniform. They'd bring alcohol on field trips. Teachers would turn a blind eye if they snuck in the girls room or vice versa. Excuses made all the time. Young female teacher got jokes and "banter" and "haha how cheeky are they? ". They never lasted long.
After a while those boys truly believed they were untouchable. After a while those boys were so entitled they thought they could do anything, take anything, that them having a laugh or exercise their power was their right. After a while the other boys learned to stay out of their way or join them. After a while the other boys wanted to have the same "perks", be part of the in group. After a while the other boys would do what they were told to do.
After a while, 6 boys attacked me and pinned me down so two others could "have a laugh". 3 others watched and said nothing(not in their group).Did nothing. There was another girl there but her boyfriend shut her up with "stop it or they'll turn onto you too". The implication was clear that he would not help.No one was drunk. No one was wearing mini skirts. We were on a school trip.

I watched boys,decent boys,my classmates ,my friends stand by and watch and do nothing.
I was pinned down by good boys,academic boys,quiet well behaved boys, my classmates, my friends. Hell ,one of them, his dad worked with my dad. We've known each other since we were toddlers.

How it ended? Me being called a "bitch in heat" in front of my mother, snapping and telling that absolute fuckwit of a teacher to ask x and y what happened and why my behaviour was the way it was. One of them rang me, laughed that of course they weren't drunk and then I negotiated my last year in that class. I'd say nothing as long as for that last year they didn't look at me,talk to me, or interact with me in any way. It was all good , until the last week there when they dragged me in the toilets and beat the living shit out of me.
"I fell down the stairs miss" while the sniggered and laughed. I was too broken to do anything else, plus now it was finally over.

You might think it wasn't the school and teachers fault. After all , I never did formally complain. They knew though, and even if they didn't... they sure didn't want to know. I wasn't the only one.

That's how an environment becomes toxic and actively encourages this type of behaviour, no matter what their school websites and ethos say and how harsh their behaviour policies might be on paper.

@Oohhhbetty Bingo. You hit in on the head. Elitist attitudes lead to the toxic atmosphere. And it may not exist in all families, but usually the kids who behave this way have learned it from the parents. It is pretty rampant in Private schools, especially in London.

@shinealightonit it is difficult to describe it to those that haven’t felt it. For me it was that the boys with very powerful very rich parents felt they had a status above us both as men and socially and that they could treat us as playthings, verbally and physically. They know that like their parents they can usually pay their way out of trouble - lawyers or bribes. I can best describe it as like a cat playing with a mouse, just for its amusement. The arrogance of a certain type of male has been bred in over the centuries, and they are also like it to other males, hence some of the boys speaking up at these institutions. I was a relatively poor cousin at my fee paying school and I was quite startled by the social life that these young London boys had (we were rural.) expensive drugs, designer clothes, and they felt about two years older than they really were. We felt they held a power over us and it allowed them to use (and eventually abuse) us. There is misogyny and abuse in other schools yes, but the top schools can breed a particularly unique type of boy who feels that he can take what he wants from a girl almost by right. Not all boys at these top schools of course by any means, but all of the schools have a group of them and I was abused verbally and physically by the ones at my top school and the toxicity has affected my confidence my whole life.
Tell me about your experiences @Shine, I am sure you have also seen somethings that I will not have experienced, and these forums are so good at teaching us about other people’s lived experiences.

Yes - but what does this "toxic environment" look like? Everyone is alluding to it and I want to know exactly what it is. Are you saying that at private school boys are allowed to make sexist comments in class and talk about a girls appearance and the teacher says nothing (which to be honest does happen in my school in certain classes but usually when the teacher can't control the class). Are you saying that girls are going into the school and reporting rapes and the teachers are telling them to be quiet?

I just asked DD (the one who has reported the terrible experiences of female students at Durham at the hands of male students from certain schools) about her own experiences at her state comp and she says nope, didn't ever notice misogynistic abuse. Mind you she was terribly bullied by a cohort of nasty girls who the school refused to tackle.
But specifically she says she had a (nice) Dulwich boy friend who described how toxic the atmosphere there was, pretty much mirroring the media reports.

So can someone enlighten me and my friends (state school) what the teachers in these private schools are doing that turns the school into a breeding ground for culture? (That isn’t happening in state schools)

Also, most of the boys at my school only had mums. Their dads were dead or absent and I remember at the time the few lads with dads were more aggressive, violent and less respectful about women.

@Camtak

I agree that parents need to take responsibility for the behaviour of their young people. What does your DC boy say when you discuss sexism, consent, social media etc with him?

This has been widely discussed within our parent's WhatsApp group ( another Dulwich secondary school) and the need for parents to have ongoing dialogue re: sexism, masculinity vs "toxic" masculinity, impact of viewing pornography etc. Is this similar to other DC parent conversations that you're having?

I met this type of public school educated man at university. Never experienced anything like it at my rough as f* state school.

What an amazingly brave young lady.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9408165/We-victims-private-school-rape-culture-wont-silent-more.html

I have name changed. My geeky state school son has been at DC for secondary. Do not recognise the supposed culture or the behaviour among the boys I know. He is not in the ‘party set’. It is very sad, I support the school in what it is doing but think parents need to take responsibility too. And there is a lot of muck being slung inappropriately and the press and the gossip mongers should all think before posting.

@Breds
I agree that parents are ( legally) responsible for their children's behaviour. Many of these incidents DID take place at school events and help to contribute to the culture of staff / students dismissing behaviour as "boy's banter".

Many of the people were 18, so drinking perfectly legal. Getting drunk (or even having drinks spiked) pretty common and hardly "disgusting" behaviour. That's a pretty prudish, judgmental ( victim blaming) comment.

No-one is saying or thinking that "all" DC boys are like this. They are pointing out the culture/ behaviour over many years that have allowed sexual assault to continue.

You have no idea who has reported what to the police, so this is merely speculative on your part.

As a parent, do you discuss masculinity, sexism, consent etc with your children?

Children are ambassadors for their schools.

@YankeeinKingArthursCourt
1.I have not written that the school is not to blame. I wrote that the parents of the students are also guilty. I wrote that the school is to blame for what is happening on its premises (including on the school bus), and outside the school, the parents are the legal guardians of the child.
2.I have not written that you can rap a drunk girl unconscious. I wrote that it was a crime. However, I also wrote that the drunkenness of alcohol by persons under the age of 16 is also against the law. Getting drunk into the unconscious is disgusting and irresponsible. No one has the right to sexually harass another person, but has anybody talked to these girls about the potential risks of such behavior? Maybe there are also deficiencies in communication between the parent and the child and deficiencies in school education?
3. I have not written that passive witnesses of a crime do not become criminals themselves. I wrote that in each of the schools described in press articles there are many boys with perfect manners who are thrown into the same bag with criminals just because they are students of this school. This is what I called the creation of collective responsibility.

1. The argument that 1% of violence ends with a conviction has nothing to do with it. Nobody went to the police station or to the court to protest about this situation. We cannot blame the school for the effectiveness of the law enforcement system.

@Breds

There's a lot to unpick in your post and you obviously feel strongly ( and seem to be taking it personally/ getting defensive). Presumably you are a DC parent, so this may explain it.

As for DC being responsible for boy's behaviour, well many of the allegations ARE on school grounds/ school sponsored events: school late bus shared with JAGS harassment, upskirting visiting students / female staff, students calling out "In the kitchen" to staff discussing feminism, harassing / attempting assault on school trips, assaults at school proms etc. Girls ( & JAGS admin) have also brought their complaints to the DC senior staff, but no disciplinary measures happened.

As for your "no collective liability" claim, well you need to look up "Joint Enterprise" legal culpability, particularly in cases where other boys were in the room or filmed when an assault was taking place and did nothing to stop the crime, contact the police. This is joint enterprise and is illegal.

Finally you assert that girls getting unconsciously drunk is "reprehensible behaviour". No. And they are not in a state to give consent. So clearly the boys should not be sexually assaulting an unconscious person/ someone who cannot give consent. This is also illegal.

As for contacting the police, well 1% of rape cases end up with convictions, so that's not promising.

The excuses for this behaviour is pretty infuriating to say the least (& I say all of this as the mother of a teenage son who goes to school in Dulwich).

AccidentallyOnPurpose
I am not ignoring anything. I would like to draw your attention to the fact that the school is responsible but the parents' responsibility is forgotten. It is the parents who often do not know what is happening to their children. The school is legally responsible for the care of children on the school premises. Outside the school, parents are responsible for the care of the children. The school does not establish supervision of in-home events. The school does not tolerate alcohol, drugs, violence ... This is written in the regulations of each school and is respected on the school grounds. It is not at school that children watch pornographic films and brutal action movies. At school, children have ethics and tolerance classes. It is such conversations that are missing in homes among people representing every social class. Among the children of public schools there are also cases of sexual harassment, drugs, alcohol, gangs ... I have not heard anyone say that state schools are wrong, that someone would protest at the school gate, that students of these schools would be called sexual predators. Everyone writes about degeneration, lack of culture. They writes about school, that is about all students. Posters are hung on the school's fence, and the cries of people's protesters are raised in front of the school. They don't shout against criminals. They are shouting against the school. A school with almost 1,500 children. Mostly nice and polite.

@alongtimeagoin2019
Agree schools are only partly responsible and parents must take their share of responsibility. However the culture of the school is an important factor, the “lad” culture at DC is very strong and is encouraged. More importantly, complaints have been made to the Headmaster on many occasions over the last 5-10 years and they have not been treated seriously. DC were aware this was a problem and they are only taking action now because it is affecting their reputation.

"2. Blaming only boys, while underage girls voluntarily participate in parties, getting drunk until they are unconscious. It doesn't justify boys, but being a girl also doesn't justify reprehensible behavior."

Presumably the boys are also getting drunk but are less at risk of someone sexually assaulting them while they are unconscious. While the girls' behaviour is not commendable, it's hardly reprehensible compared to assault and rape.

I’m not a Dulwich parent but I have DC at other schools that have been in the press. Live in SW London but have never heard particularly bad things about DC.
What I don’t really understand is that loads of people on here are saying that they’re well known for this, all the girls around there avoid the boys like the plague etc etc, yet all these things are going on at parties outside school so some of these girls must be happy to go to the parties despite the boys reputations.
These schools can educate teenagers until they’re blue in the face but with offsite parties and alcohol I don’t see how they can be 100% responsible for their pupils.

When you ignore bad behaviour, sexism,racism, harassment ,complaints , etc. and big up your boys because they're kings of the world and deserve everything they want you can't then shrug your shoulders and go "what can you do" and "we had no idea".

Like I said , people are deluded if they think schools, colleges,unis etc can't negatively influence boundaries and morals especially if they're fairly flawed to begin with.

www.thisislocallondon.co.uk/youngreporter/19191433.silence-violence-says-jags-vigil---alice-barr-jags/