"Pupils who lose friends in school move may fail to flourish" - is this what we've condemned our dd to??

oth - i moved alot as a child - a new school evry 18 mths. no denying it was hard but learnt some valuable skills in being the new girl and getting on with people.
when i went to grammar school - i knew noone and hated it for the whole 1st term up to xmas. dreaded going back after hols but it just clicked, i found others a bit more like me and i loved that school.
keep talking to her, let her vent it all but also give it time.x

I moved to a school where I knew no-one. By the end of day one I had a new best friend and never looked back. It all depends on personality and the kind of kids at the school

Relieved to hear things are a little better!

Overthehill - I had a quick look at the article and read through some of this thread. I would like to offer you reassurance with my dd2's experience. She went to a very small (one class per year), close knit primary, and was the only one from her year to go to her secondary school (we wanted her to go to the same excellent school as her older sister). TBH there was a bit of nastiness in the last few terms of primary, as the 'herd' turned on her as she wouldn't be going to the same secondary (ah, 11-year-old girls, so lethal...) I was very worried how she would get on at secondary, as at primary she could be quite shy, but she has thrived, both socially and academically. She has made a good group of friends and stayed pretty much with them, occasionally adding new friends. She has really learned good social skills from the experience and been very happy. Yes, having an older sister there has probably helped, but she tends to avoid her sister at school and want to do her own thing. Hope this helps.

I think you need to go in to the school and let them know how she is feeling. Find out how she comes across in school. I would do this as soon as possible in light of what she has written

I can sympathise as around here we change schools at 13, which is a difficult age as it is. Ds1 has just moved into a new school in a different town to where we live. He has gone with two of his best friends, who he has known since nursery, but he keeps reminding me he doesn't know anyone else - which I know is a slight exaggeration as plenty of his football team go to the school.

Oh how worrying for you. I have noticed that my two children are quite tired and listless this week. I am wondering whether the time switch and arrival of more wintery weather is making some of them feel a bit down. Also the workload seems quite heavy, too (my son has had a week of CAT tests and vocab tests). I think the teachers think this is one of the serious times of year--before Christmas madness starts. Perhaps this is making the children feel stressed.

But you should keep an eye on her. Can you talk to her tutor/form teacher?

I hope it didn't sound as though I was saying that everyone in deprived areas would have children who'd struggle to integrate at senior school if they went somewhere their friends didn't. But I think, in general, there would be different issues at play in deprived areas than there would be in, say, a leafy suburb: schools with more disruptive pupils, children who possibly didn't speak English as their first language (which might make them feel more vulnerable if they were separated from their mates), having to be more watchful on your journey to school if you were going alone, not having the cash to pay for trips to the cinema/pizza with old friends, etc. But statistics never paint the whole picture or show individual experiences, do they?

We don't live in a deprived area but I have had to work hard to keep my son in touch with his pals from his old school. In Sept. he moved to a school where he didn't know anyone and I promised we'd keep up with his old friends. It's been quite exhausting helping him manage two social networks, but it seems to be working and he's making new buddies and seems very happy.

oh yes. You are abosultely right, eliza

It would have been a better survey, IMHO, if they'd looked at children in a variety of areas.

Hmmm. I'm in a deprived part of London. Many of those round here travelling long distances away from friends (though not my son) are the ones who ended up in the schools where nobody wants to send their children. That suggests a possible reason for the survey result.

Well we're in a SureStart area of the South East, so that makes us deprived.

"Children who took part in the study mostly lived in deprived parts of London, the South East and the Midlands."

I think this part of that DM article is fairly pertinent.

Read the OP but not all posts. I can relate to this. My DD has gone to Grammar school. She is with two of her friends from primary, and there are another two in another form at the Grammar. However, her best friend from primary went to a different school, and I expected the friendship to fizzle out after a while, but it did almost straight away. They have exchanged the odd text and phone call but that's it. There was a meet up recently at the local shopping centre with her friends from primary and her best friend from primary was there. The girls spent some time together and my DD said that it was nice, but that her friend spent the whole time talking about her new friends.

At our primary, the kids either go on to a Catholic secondary (in most cases) and you get the few that go to Grammar. Quite a lot of parents have said to me that although their child is capable of the Grammar, they have let the child decide where they want to go, and most have followed their friends. Personally, I don't agree with this. I think 11 is too young to make such an important decision. We very much wanted our DD to go to the Grammar as it's a far better school than the comp in every respect. However, I have seen the 'other side' too re friendships and continuity and so on. Still, I firmly beleive that my DD is in the best place. To be honest, there were quite a few kids in her class at primary that she was good friends with that I'm glad to have separated her from. Even her best friend from primary. I often felt that she wasn't a particularly good influence on my DD. She's very 'old' for 11, into boys and so on, and my DD isn't.

She has a good friend from primary at the Grammar with her, and has made a new best friend there and is happy.

The thing to remember is that even if they all go to the same school, quite often they're split into different forms/streams and friendships can fizzle out anyway, as it's so much more of a 'bigger pond.' It's quite likely that they'll make other friends .

Not in our experience.

DD1 went to a private school 20 miles away where she knew no-one and positively blossomed.

DS1 went to the school round the corner with 2 best mates and within the first term had 2 new best mates he didn't know from primary.

DS2 went from private primary 20 miles away (same school as his sister) to local grammar knowing nobody at all- no problem.

DS3 went from a state primary 20 miles away to local grammar knowing nobody- no problem.

All missed their old friends but soon made new ones.

I think that article is pants (as you'd expect from the daily Mail ). It doesn't say how old the children in the study were - if they were/are still in yr7 then how can that be a final view? If it is still the case in yr9 then maybe, but it just doesn't say does it?

Dd1 went to a different school from all her primary school friends -- her choice, but strongly supported by us. I did ask her beforehand if she was sad that none of her friends were moving with her, but she seemed fine with it. Her line was, 'well I can make new friends at school and see my old ones at home', and that is pretty much how it has worked out (she's in Y8 now).

Having said that, her secondary school do take from quite a wide area, and she'd spent 8-years in a class with the same little group of girls, so was more than ready for a change of scene.

When it's ds's turn for secondary transfer, where his friends will be going is not a major consideration.

My ds is now attending his 5th school at the age of 9 due to lots of upheaval and home moves for us over the past few years. He has become very independent and makes friends easily now, he isn't dependent on his friends but has a good network of friends, he always has. I used to feel terribly bad about the moves, but now see it has had a positive effect to him.

Our ds was also the only one in his class who didn't know anyone (everyone else went to 2 primaries, he went to a different one).

The first couple of terms were definitely tough, as it was very cliquey and he often came home quite depressed as he was finding it very hard to make friends, having been v. popular at primary.

The good news is that everything's changed now, he has lots of friends and a little knot of 4 close friends, so it all worked out well in the end.

I think a study of only 600 pupils is hardly representative. In my experience (2 children at secondary school so far), most children make new friends very very quickly.

I agree it is nice to have a few familiar faces the first week or so at school, but we have found there are so many opportunities for mixing and making new friends. The school really makes this a focus for the first term, including a Year 7 camp which happens a week or so into the first term and provides loads of fun 'bonding' activities for the different tutor groups. When I look at my eldest two children, within literally weeks they were mixing mainly or only with children they had just met, and a few years down the line they are really only on amicable speaking terms with children from their old primary schools, their 'real' friends are all from elsewhere.

The reality is, that however much the original poster's daughter might be missing her old friends, there is no guarantee that if they had gone to the same school they would continue to be strong friends. I would say that if the friendships are really that important, make the effort to continue them out of school. Some friends will inevitably slip by the wayside, but that's life and that happens whether or not you go to the same school.

I think there is a difference between joining a school as the only new child (I came from an army family and was forever being the new child, and I hated it), and being one new child amongst a whole new Year 7 group. There are many children in my son's year who were the only child coming to that school from their primary school, and they have fitted in and made loads of new friends. It's a slightly different scenario being the new child and having to fit in with existing friendships.

DS1 went to a secondary school at which he knew absolutely nobody to start off with. He's doing really well there - he's won the Year 7 Shield for Outstanding Achievement and been elected Form Captain, so don't be disheartened, overthehill

I think it this were a big problem, then I'd say that primary schools need to do a better job of preparing children for the move.

When my kids moved from prep school to senior school, it was natural that everyone went their separate ways. The key thing is that they managed the transition. With the various social networking sites that they all seem to belong to, there's no reason why they can't keep their old friends as they make new ones.

With friendship groups constantly changing at that age, I can't really imagine it's a big problem. I certainly wouldn't choose a senior school based on where other kids are going.

I went to five, count 'em, five different secondary schools, and, while the social bits of it were hard work sometimes, I certainly flourished - went to Cambridge then art college, have loads of friends - including one I've kept in touch with since the age of 8 - and a decent career. The biggest disadvantage was university interviews, where they kept asking me strange questions about my schools, until I realise that they thought I kept getting expelled...

It's not the best plan for everyone, but it seems to cause people much more concern than it did when I was at school - a lot of it I think depends on how well set up the schools are for people moving about. Where the school made an effort - or were used to people coming in at different times - it was much easier than in places where most people had been at school together.

But there are advantages too - by the age of 18 I'd seen a much broader slice of life than most people - having been to grammar school, boarding school, comprehensive and slightly mad school - and met a much wider range of people.