Have we made the wrong independent choice?

OP, what if you send DS1 to your chosen school, but when DS2 comes to apply, he isn't offered a place there? Would it still feel like the right decision to have made, or would you regret turning down the other school?

Speaking as the parent of three DC with very different abilities, I think that if you want to go down the selective school route the key things to bear in mind are

(a) that you give each child an equal chance to attend an independent school (ie exam prep, entrance for exams etc)

(b) that you apply for schools that you feel will suit each individual child best AND will be realistic for that child to achieve an offer.

You don’t have to have siblings in the same school.

By all means go with a less high ranked or academic school if you feel it is the right one for DS1 (plenty of people on here and IRL do this for any number of sensible reasons, journey often being one of them). But don’t opt for it simply because it is more realistic for a younger sibling to achieve! That would be really unfair on both DC and surely a breeding ground for resentment.

The other thing I would say is that even the more gently selective academic schools will still not allow a sibling in unless they pass the entrance exam.

I do totally sympathise - my Y6 DC achieved offers from two highly ranked academic indies. These two schools would not have been an option for his older brother and most likely will not be an option for the younger one either. DS2 is just highly able and effortlessly academic in a way the other two are not.

But crucially DS1 DID have the chance to sit for (and achieve offers at) indies suitable for his ability. He eventually chose the state route and was very happy there, but can never say he didn’t have the chance to attend a private school because he did. We will give DS3 the same chance in due course but at the present time I think it unlikely he’ll achieve the same school offers as DS2.

FWIW, I know several families where one DC is in a selective school (indie or grammar) and the other is in a normal comp. In all cases this was because one DC passed the entrance exams and the other one didn’t, but - crucially - in all cases all DC were offered equivalent opportunities.

Unfortunately it is just life that some DC are more able than others and if you really feel it will be a major issue that will cause resentment then probably the safest option is to ignore selective schools altogether and just go down the state route for all. But not all parents want to do that of course.

I would go with the school you feel is genuinely best for DS1. You talk about DS2 going to state if he doesn't get into the same school as DS1 - I'm not sure I understand that. If you've got the money for independent fees (no scholarships/ bursaries involved), then I'm sure you will be able to find the right independent for DS2, particularly in London where there are billions of schools. Why does it have to be either of the schools currently in contention for DS1? Also, if DS2 would only squeeze into the current school because of the sibling link, and would struggle to get a place on academic merit otherwise - then is this really the right school for him anyway?

If I'm missing something and it's genuinely a case of DS2 going to state if he can't go to either of these two schools, then that might be different (nothing wrong with state, but maybe issues of sibling equality) - but I'm not understanding why that would be the case.

Pick the school that best suits DS1 whichever school that is. If he prefers the other school that should come into play. I wouldn't worry about hurting the chance of your younger child if you turn down the place now. The school won't really care, especially if they have a waiting list.

I know people who have turned down places and reapplied at a different entrance point and been admitted. I doubt the admission teams can even keep track of what's happened in previous years with the number of children who apply.

Would you still be able to get a place at the school you declined or have they passed it on to someone else? I do feel if you're forking out thousands a year in fees, you want to feel confident you've got the best value for money. But do think about the journey. If it is much harder to get to, how will that impact DS1's life on a daily basis?
DS may be excited about school 1 now and feel he "deserves" it, but kids are very adaptable.

I think you really need to think about your eldest here - which school would be the best fit for him. It sounds really unfair to turn down the offer at a school that he really wanted and worked hard for (and reading between the lines, you think is better for him) just because his brother wouldn't get in!

Lots of children go to different schools (particularly in the private sector where many are single sex), because what is best for one child is not necessarily best for another.

I agree with LIZS.
Also, if it's not an especially selective school but still gets 50% 8s and 9s at GSCE, it might even be a better school in some ways than one that only lets DC in who are on track for those grades already. The more selective at intake, the higher the grades are likely to be at the end of it. If you feel your DS will be one of the brightest, you can be fairly sure he will fall into that 50% statistic, can't you? It doesn't sound like a school that won't cater for the bright boys.

Yes, to answer your question, I do feel a lot of London MNetters are sucked in by the indie marketing and wanting their DC to be seen to go to the ones that are hardest to get into.

The only wavering factor for me is that it seems like you are going against what your DS wants. I don't think it's very fair to have DC sit tests and get excited about schools and then not let them go when they pass.

On the question of whether it is badly behaved to take back your acceptance, it must happen fairly regularly when higher preference schools are offered from waiting lists.

I do feel a bit sorry if you eldest got a place at both schools and you chose because of the younger one, not because of him especially if you're in London where it's probably much easier to have siblings at different schools.

If you'd chosen school 1 straightaway I don't think school 2 would have minded or held it against your younger one BUT unfortunately if you do what they'll possbly see as messing them around, that might be trickier.

The ranking tables are not the be and end all, and is essentially just an average across all subjects. Reflect on why you made your decision in the first place . A bright child will do equally well at any of the top 100 schools.

Just to echo what others have said - students who apply to independent schools are usually assessed on their own merits and they can (and do) reject one sibling and accept another or vice versa. Therefore you should pick whichever school is better for your first son. This should include thinking about the journey - a long commute to school isn't great

As you say, bright children tend to do well anywhere and it's better to be middle at an average school than bottom at a very academic one. Doesn't sound like that's where your son is at, though.

I'd leave it, a bright child can do just as well in a "lower" ranked school, the margins between are often pretty tight. If it seems an issue consider a swap 13+ or 6th form. Some schools will look less harshly at siblings as they are more likely to accept the place.

Well I don't think you should pick a school based on a younger child.

So if you genuinely think the other school is better for your DC then by all means, change your mind.

But equally you haven't said anything that explains why you prefer the other school over the one you've accepted. It being easier to get to the chosen school is a good reason for choosing it!

I think you need a head wobble over your viewpoints about academic schools. Is it bragging rights that your DC goes to a "top 50" school that you are interested in? Look at what you've written and consider why you describe a school where 50% get 8s and 9s "less-academic"?

And why you think you think DS2 will go "nowhere" if he can't get into this school? I'm assuming you are in London and there is more than 2 possible viable schools on offer. I think DS2 might be more upset by your attitude that he will "go nowhere" without a sibling place in a particular school than having to go to (shock horror) state school?

Private schools don't have a sibling policy - at least the handful of North London schools I specifically asked because I had a similar conundrum.

The only scenario I can imagine where it might be an advantage to be a sibling is if there's a direct choice between a sibling and a non sibling and both have the exact same exam score, CAT score, interview ability, musical grade, sports ability etc.

If I were you I'd get him in his top school and call them today.

Sorry to hear you're in this situation, it's stressful.

I would say rescind your acceptance quickly while they still have a waiting list of people who want to go and take the best school for DS1. He is the one going to the school. Not DS2.

But is the ideal school for DS1 more academic and you don’t think DS2 will get a place there? Is that correct?
Do they have to go to the same school?

Dc move between schools far more than you would imagine esp years 8-9. Stick with your original decision but know movement is a possibility.