Anyone else struggling with whether independent is financially feasible?

We are in a similar position. We can just about afford private but would have to give up some stuff to do so.

At the moment my children are in state and do get exra online lessons that we pay for, music and sport (well did get sport apart from covid).

I think we are coming to the conclusion that we send our eldest to a state grammar and keep paying for extras in the way of fun stuff, then we may also save for a private sixth form. So in effect we do what MG Midget suggests but in reverse. Ofcourse the the sixths form grammar is up to scratch we could just stay with it.

You could do private for secondary school until 16 and switch to state sixth form college for 16-18. Then you pay one set of private fees at a time and they get the benefit of the most difficult years in private. By sixth form they are more established in their study habits and although they may not get as good A level grades as they would in private this may not matter if you are hoping they will go on to higher education. This is because the grade expectation from a selective secondary will be higher for the same university course.

On the other hand, if money is tight and causing you stress take a good look at the state options.

Ditto what everyone above has said, but I'd add - all the kids at the private secondary will have mobile phones and consoles. I understand why you might not want ds to have these now - although I think a console can be great at his age for socialising and developing various skills - but he'll definitely stick out if he doesn't have them at secondary. I'm not saying you should just go with the crowd if you really don't want to, but just that those issues are the same whichever school sector you're in (my two have been to grammar and independent schools for years 7-11 and dd is now in a different grammar school to ds for sixth form).

We sent dd to the selective independent school on a good bursary and I still found the fee burden stressful.

If I couldn’t do the same for both children, I would not accept the place because it is so much unfair.
Your local comp sounds not bad at all to me. Your DC can do extracurricular outside of school.

I would not choose private if I could not EASILY afford it.
It will not get any cheaper.

Honestly. It will be exhausting and worrying and add to the stress of life which will put pressure on your DS.

I agree, save the cash for 6th form. Or let your DM help out then.

(If he has been offered a place you can always ask the question of the fees office - what are my chances of a bursary? If you think you might be able to easily afford it with that assistance).

We’ve done a mix of private and state.

I think it comes down to comparing the specific schools rather private v state.

For instance we are accessing Dulwich schools which have a mix of academic selective and good state. We have offer now from academic one, which is more valued than just paying for non selective. But you may feel the state you have is not so good which is another consideration.

half the year, sorry!

Remember the money you save on private school will pay for a lot of sporting clubs, drama groups, music lessons as the years go by.

All my DC had all they could want in that line, some of it (not all by any means tho) outside their state comprehensive.

How big is his primary if it makes up gals the year at the secondary! Don't worry about sixth form, there are great options in London as I understand. A teen I know went to an amazing post-16 maths-orientated destination.

If you are prepared to pay a large amount for education then would you consider moving? Plenty of secondary schools around where hiding your ability is not necessary .

I wouldn’t accept it, I wouldn’t want to be the “poorest” kid (I appreciate this isn’t poverty) in a rich school, all the extras would surely add up, plus I couldn’t send one child and not the other.
I don’t think your son being shy on a zoom call is unusual so I wouldn’t panic that he’s going to play dumb for 7 years.

I think you might swap one challenge for another with your DS feeling inferior to others due to wealth. The ski holidays/Caribbean. I’m the root cause is your sons confidence, it’s not the school. I don’t think the private school will address the root cause

When you say "next to nothing left over" OP, do you mean after all bills, mortgage, food, basic clothes, transport etc are paid?

In other words that normally you either save £20k a year, or spend that much on unnecessary things like holidays and meals out (or a combination of the two, obviously)?

If that's the case, then I guess you can afford it, as long as nobody minds not going on holiday or any of the other nice things.

Bit miserable if you ask me tho.

Remember that secondary is a much bigger pool than primary, and most kids will find their tribe, whether that is nerdy techy kids, smart bookish types, gamers, actors, singers, musicians, footballers - I could go on. I taught in a deeply non-fancy secondary and there were friendship groups for all those and more.

I wouldn't do it if it was going to be a real struggle. We did a mix of state and private for ours, and the burden of private wasn't just the fees - it was the extras and the lifestyle expectations that came with it. Unless the state school is awful I'd think very hard about it. Children often 'find their people' at secondary compared to primary, as there is a much bigger pool and there are bound to be more like-minded souls.

Having said that, are you completely sure about bursary eligibility? One of my dc's schools set the upper eligibility limit for bursaries at a household income of £120k, which seemed generous to me.

I would like to use private for my eldest DC as I think it would suit her for a myriad of reasons, but I cant afford it for my DS too so I'm not going there. It isnt really fair if you cant afford a similar opportunity for both.
What is your state option like? Remember that most kids find their feet in high school, there is a bigger pool of friends and they usually find their crowd within the first year. Dont let your own experiences in one school influence your thoughts too much, your DS is a different person and it's a different school (I presume).
Also, I hadnt been particularly happy in primary. I was bullied for being quiet, studious and unusually tall and I only really had one friend. I absolutely loved state secondary school, loved my new friends and really blossomed in the new environment and wider bunch of people.

I wouldn't put yourself under so much financial pressure. School fees will rise from 2021 as there was only a small rise or freeze in 2020. The costs for schools keep rising especially teachers' pension (it's a long boring separate subject).
Ask yourself about how you feel about paying the deposit in a couple of weeks and then having the fees taken by direct debit 3 times a year straight from your bank account (not all schools operate in this way) plus all the extras and annual increases.
When your ds goes to secondary it is a chance for a new start and he will meet new classmates etc. You can always look at a private sixth form place instead.