Anyone else struggling with whether independent is financially feasible?

I'm a single mum on a 6-figure salary, but only just, so significantly below the allegedly required "£175-200K" and I am putting my kid through private school all the way. The prices of the various private schools can differ significantly and I just chose the one that was most affordable

Surely the obvious answer is for your DH to find a job that will cover the cost of the fees? I know that's not the easiest thing in the world at the moment, but it seems like you're not considering this as an option?

As others have said, moving should/could also be considered?

I think trying to pay fees out of a sole earner's salary will always be stressful and if it is a financial stretch, what happens if you face a really big bill or get ill enough to need some time off work? It sounds like it could be a constant source of stress, which isn't good for you or your children.

I think you’ve been unrealistic and that it’s not affordable unless both you and DH increase your incomes.

You’ve implied household income is not a huge amount over £70k a year, which seems low to cover fees of £20k.

DH was previously on a low income - almost no income since last spring.

If fees are around £20k now, and would assume at least 3%+ increase a year. You live in London, which is expensive.

You have a younger child with additional learning needs and stated that you couldn’t afford private for him. Even if you decide private wouldn’t be best for him, help for DC with additional needs is costly.

Your DM has ‘offered to help out’ should you try to fund private for DS2. unless she’s extremely wealthy, with substantial funds set aside should she need care, it seems unrealistic that she could give enough to make it affordable. Such help could also be withdrawn at no notice.

Presumably your current biggest cost is housing. Having no car or overseas holiday could, for example, reduce outgoings by £2k (running a car) and £3k (example difference in costs between budget UK and overseas holiday) a year. Not enough to make a huge difference.

There was a thread on here a few weeks back about what you would need to earn to afford private school. I think around £175-200k over 7 years was a minimum given schools' fees increases over a 7-year period. But obviously it depends on things like your outgoings, mortgage, capacity for promotion.

The secondary school sounds tricky given he's not very happy at the feeder, but there will be a bigger intake at 11. Have you had a chance to talk to teachers there and ask what they can do to challenge him if he's bright and what bullying, pastoral care they have in place?

I'd be slightly concerned about your younger child with learning difficulties who may need extra financial support. Would you be able to support them later if all your extra earnings are going to your older child?

Are there any other state options near you?

Does the independent offer places in future years? Our DD joined a local independent in year 9 (we moved back from living abroad) so perhaps he could start at the secondary and see how he gets on/how your finances are? DD wasn’t the only new student in year 9 so it worked ok for her.

Dd went to an independent on a bursary from 11-16 and to be honest the vast majority of her year group were much better off than her. Not ponies because this was a city school, but big houses, loads of holidays, expensive birthday parties and presents etc. It was tricky at times and she definitely feels more at home in her grammar sixth form. She did enjoy the independent school though, and eventually she became circumspect about the wealth differences and realised the range of backgrounds was very skewed and we weren’t ‘poor’. It took a lot of work to get to that point though - mainly in year 8/9.

Interested in these schools where you feel left out if you don't ski or ride? Are we talking boarding/public? I think there's a big difference between these and a standard independent or times have changed dramatically. I went to an academic independent secondary in London from 11 and don't remember for one second feeling poor or unfortunate or even comparing myself to any of my classmates. Every holiday was spent with GPs or on a campsite, we didn't eat out or ski. School uniform/PE equipment was second hand. The only extra money was spent on music lessons. Most of my friends were the same. To be honest thinking back the kids with pots if money probably downplayed it a bit. Are things very different now? I suppose house prices and school fees might have pushed up the average income of the independent school parent?

I think you would be pleasantly surprised that not all families with kids in independents are rolling in it! Also you are talking about affording it on your salary alone. I guess this means at some point DH would be back working again and therefore finances would improve anyway.

There is the option of your older child going back into state for 6th form if need her to be able to afford similar for younger DC or indeed finances may have improved to allow him to stay one too.

It seems clear that you can’t afford it, unless you and your H can increase your income.

Also if it’s a huge stress on home finances (and fees hike year on year) an older teen will pick up on that and it is a huge pressure.

If you couldn’t do it for both I wouldn’t do it for one.
You say he feels the odd one out, I went to a very posh school (a fair while ago now...) would he feel the odd one out surrounded by kids who’s parents hobby is owning 5 racehorses, have 3/4 holidays a year and he’s one of the only ones in the year who can’t afford the school skiing trip?
It depends on how affluent the independent is, but I had a good friend who I went to school with who’s grandma paid her fee and she was very very unsettled the whole time as she didn’t ride/shoot/ski/row/sail, didn’t own a schoffel, etc. I’ve really fond memories of school, she hated it.

My son got into a dud of a state secondary school. He's also got a place at a good independent school which we'd applied to as back up and so he went there (it was our first choice and he loves it). I felt really panicky to start with and then really resentful at having to fork out £2K a month (the latter was due to all my friends' kids getting into top notch state secondaries so it felt like they were getting the same as me but for free). Obviously I just had to suck it up and with time I've just got used to it. I took on extra work and also added £60K to my mortgage to use as a buffer if needed. I don't think the school has lots of expensive extras but it's more that when my boy socialises he tends to spend a lot typically on food - Nandos, Byron etc and that was from the age of 12/13. I'm now going to give him a set weekly allowance and if he goes over that it has to come out of his birthday/Xmas money.

I’d send him to the independent.

DSS would have sat GCSEs had they not been cancelled.

That was how we felt. As I say just our experience of one school.

I think a big problem is the independent fees go up and up. I humoured my husband by looking at one independent school for DD (DH was educated privately the whole way through), but as I thought, we could neither afford it in the slightest but nor did we even remotely qualify for any financial support (as indeed we shouldn't really).

In the end DH, to my relief, said while its facilities were lovely it didn't seem massively better than the state schools we looked at. I think when we first met he was the sort of person who was certain his kids would be educated privately!

@blankscreen how long ago was this? It's just that schools are ranked on progress scores not % 5 A-C now, so they have to focus on each child making sufficient progress from their SATS starting point. A C for a child who smashed SATS wouldn't be good enough.

That's not to say there aren't still some bad comprehensives.

I absolutely don’t think it is anything to do with being the poorest in the class btw it’s the stress at home on finances that would make me think twice time over.

We’ve just come out of private junior. Forced hand in the end due to a failing business but when they were there we were in the camp of just about afford it and my goodness it was stressful. Absolutely no money for anything outside of school, always extras to fund plus expensive uniform, any loss or reduction of income meaning we’d have to take them out of somewhere they were happy. I would not do it again unless we could easily afford it with money left over. There will be a good state option if you look.

My children both went to an independent school and we are not affluent by any means. There were a few children who had skiing holidays and extravagant overseas trips but the majority of parents were ordinary people working hard to pay the fees. If you think it is the right school for your son do not be put off by others saying it is hard to be the poorest in the class.

Also, be sure to complete the bursary forms. You may be pleasantly surprised.

I would also add DSS school finished at 2:45 it was "sad" to stay after school for clubs and we never knew of any sports practice offered and again it would probably be "sad".

DSS went there after literally smashing his SATS in year 6 and he just deteriorated year on year.

It felt as though because he would meet the quota of 5 A-C's there was no pushing for him to try and do better. He ticked the box job done

We felt at his school the emphasis was all about getting as many children as possible to get 5 A-C's as that is what they are scored on, as opposed to pushing each child that little bit more.

I think comps can vary quote a bit and both experiences in last posts can be true

Makes sense to ask on specific schools when comparing as it be a big range

My dss went through a state comprehensice and his experience was pretty dire

• not cool to be clever
• only set in maths and science this resulted in him having GCSE English lessons with children that could barely read the text let alone discuss and analyse it How children are able to get to GCSE and hardly be able to read is beyond me and how on earth is a teacher meant to stretch the brightest kids? Which didn't happen
• not cool to be in the school sports team
• constant disruption in classes - if teenagers can't do the work theybecome the class clown and mess about .

I don't think there is a stigma to being bright at comps these days - children are very different to when we were young. At my DC's comp, it is cool to be a 'geek' (my DD was DESPERATE for glasses for this very reason but sadly her eyesight was too good!) They have never once mentioned being looked down on for being bright and they have taken their studies seriously and been really self motivated. I have been so impressed with the school and glad we didn't panic and go for the fee paying option we considered. They are really aware of the real world, they are self starters, they haven't had too much hand holding, and their friends are lovely as well as impressive and interesting.

I mean that if the sixth form grammar is up to scratch we just stay with it.