Getting rejected from schools

I taught in the London independent sector for some years before moving out of London. It’s a pressure cooker and the combination of anxious pushy parents and inter school competition makes it an unhealthy environment in my view. It’s very easy to get bogged down in it and see it as the be all and end all but your boy sounds like he will do well wherever he goes.

OP, I do think some of the posters here have had a bit of an empathy bypass. We are all just trying to achieve a reasonable education for our kids and the lack of clear and transparent feedback is very disconcerting. Your reaction is only human.

If it is any comfort, we are in a similar (worse?) situation. We only applied to private schools because our local London secondary is well below average on every possible metric. We could have moved to the doorstep of a very popular school, like lots of people do, but I don’t necessarily see that as the morally superior thing to do. We have been waitlisted by our first choice of school, which is pretty academically selective, and have an academic scholarship for a school that was a bit of an emergency application. Normally, you’d assume the best fit school would be somewhere in between the two, but this year has not been normal and very few schools ran anything resembling their usual exams.

It’s hard not to obsess about this when we are all still locked up with nothing to do, but I am sure that there are lots of others in the same position. Unfortunately they are just not posting about it on Mumsnet - only the people agonising about which of their four fabulous offers to accept.

Contact the wait list school and find out where he is on the list and what his chances are.

@cantstopstressing would you mind sharing which schools you applied to? I know that acceptance and positive feelings for the offer school would be the best course (and, officially, I think you should probably try and do that) but I wondered whether anyone might have a little insight on the WL and rejection school.

Of course the other 9 aren't stupid (probably far from it) but it's a selective process and they take the kids who scored highest on the tests -plain and simple. If you think it's unfair to put an10 yr old through this process then unfortunately that's on you for making him sit for a number of selective independents and grammars.

I agree though that it may be a good thing about getting into the school he has an offer for. He may gain confidence by being a bigger fish in a smaller pond and a bright child will undoubtedly achieve good results anywhere if they are nurtured and supported which it sounds like you will do.

I hope you can move on from this disappointment so he can get excited about his new school.

OP you say the "whole process is pretty horrendous" but you went into it willingly and paid for tutors etc. Your complaints about it being unfair are hypocritical - if you see it as unfair, why be complicit?

Selection is 'unfair'. Private education is 'unfair'. Having a snipe at another pupil who ' got in' when your ds didn't is 'unfair'. As soon as you embarked on a selective route you opened your ds up to the possibility of not getting in.

The jump from state to selective private at secondary in london is a huge leap. He was up against all the kids that have been in prep all along. They all will have come with a very detailed report from their heads who will have pushed hard for the borderline candidates. You could always go prep for years 7/8 and try again at 13+. We left London rather than play this game. Our kids still go to a top 25 in the league tables school but we didn't have to go through the horrendous London process. It's not too late if you want to move OP. You need to be sure this is a private school worth paying for. I reckon our eldest would have gotten into Mill Hill for secondary and I just wasn't willing to pay for it.

@cantstopstressing, I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed by the situation and I am glad to read that you are doing everything you can to ensure your DC is not feeling the same stress. I live in SW London, my DD (now y9) was high achieving and I get the pressure there is to apply to private schools. I guess I will never convince you and others who have chosen the private path but please looks again at your state schools. A self-motivated, genuinely intellectually curious child will continue to be on course for 9s at GSCEs (as their SATS indicated) and they can access extra-curricular activities too. Of course the private schools will have better facilities, but my DD got to participate in a both Y7 and Y8 theatre productions and a whole host of sports. Any they live near their friends which has been a godsend in lockdown. Good luck in all you decide but if you would like reassurance about state options, please DM me

My daughter is also at a state primary school. She tried for one of the super-selective grammars - possibly the same one although I thought ours has 2600 applicants for 190 places. She wasn't massively tutored, we only decided to have a punt in the summer term of Y5. She's quite far down a long waiting list so on 1 March she'll probably get offered a place in our local secondary. And she'll go there if she doesn't get a place from the grammar waiting list. And she'll be fine whether she goes there or goes to the grammar. There are pros and cons to every situation. I'm not disappointed that she didn't get a place at the grammar, she did her best and if it wasn't good enough, so be it.

Presumably most kids at your son's current school will be going to local schools and not getting involved in all the private school malarkey. I think it's easy to lose sight of the fact that for most people, choice doesn't even come into it, regardless of how bright they are. You keep blaming the system but it's not the state school system, just a very elite private school system.

The grammar he applied to had 2800 applicants for 190 places. 1 in 10 get in. Are you actually saying the other 9 kids are stupid?

You are the only one who has mentioned "stupid". The other 9 out of 10 kids didn't perform as well on the day as the 1 out of 10 who got in. That is basic mathematics.

The issue will be that pretty much all of these kids applying will also all be "top set kids". So when they are applying at a rate of 10 kids to each place there will be 9 other top set kids not getting a place either.

It will of course have been disappointing but he does have places. Remember there will be some that may have received no offers.

Well said leeloo1!

I think some posters are being a little cruel to you op. It is really hard when your child has worked so hard, esp when so many others are tutored to the hilt to get in! What I can say is that often a school that is your least favourite surprises you in ways that you hadn’t initially realised and hopefully you saw something good in it to allow him to sit the exam. Be positive. Your son has done really well to get an offer from an independent school in London, as we all know that the competition is fierce. I hope that the waitlist moves for you in your other chosen school, but if it doesn’t it is not meant to be. If he goes to the school he has an offer from, he will undoubtedly be very comfortable academically and it is better to be at the top of the tree rather than at the bottom, as confidence has so much to do with academic success.

I wish you and your son lots of luck and hope that the righteous parents who are constantly digging at you all toddle off. You have every right to feel miffed and a hand hold is better than a scolding in my book.

Oh and I also think it's worth remembering how much of a hard sell the schools give you at the open days and take it with a pinch of salt. I now am quite glad my ds didn't get into some of the pushier superselective schools with very long hours etc, as I think it would have been too much for him, but after the open days I'd have given up a kidney if it'd have meant he got a place! 😂

I sympathise op, as I went through this last year with my ds and I feel like there is a real grieving process to go through when the results aren't what you wanted.

I spent months feeling traumatised... hoping the wait list would change, emailing admissions offices, clutching at straws etc. In the end I noticed a late round of scholarship interviews at a school in a different catchment area to where I'd been considering and applied. My son ended up getting a 25% fee reduction and is really happy there. I still shudder at the memory of what we went through though!

I really hope it works out for your ds.

I don’t think anyone is saying anyone is stupid here. Some kids just don’t perform as well in exams and/or interview. The pool is huge, and as much as we think our kids are the best, they aren’t always.

As an aside - if 2800 apply for 190 places, that’s actually 1 in 14-15 getting a place, and yes, for grammar it does mean that those who do get in score (because that’s what it is for grammar) higher than the ones who don’t. It does not mean the other 13-14 are stupid.

I’m sorry your son has not been offered a place where you want right now. I think the WL for lots of schools will move considerably more than in other years. Call your preferred choices, let them know you’ll accept a place instantly. I know it’s trotted out thread after thread, but the vast majority of the children will end up at the school they’re meant to be at. Fingers crossed for you.

My heart really goes out to you. We were in the same position as you last year. Rejections across the board while others in DS's state school class succeeded, and his head, class teacher and peers were incredulous. It was really upsetting thinking about all we had been through just to be slapped in the face. Anyway, spin on a year and DS is very happy in state provision, doing really well, valued for who he is, not how high he can jump. I like to think we dodged a bullet financially, emotionally, keeping-up-with-the-Jones'-wise. We gave it a shot and he didn't fit the mould. Their loss. When I hear how much tutoring carries on even once kids get places at these private schools, I am quite glad we are well out of it. A happy child is what is important at the end of the day.

Sounds like to be honest he just doesn't perform in exam conditions as I believe you have already said he didn't make the grade in earlier exams for grammar schools. There has to be a cut off and however well he performs at school (and whether his cohort is in actual fact as high performing as you think) and so selective schools are obviously going to select those that did best in the exams. I think you need to except the situation and make the best of the offer that you have or take the state option that you get offered. I don't think you can now moan about the process that you chose to take part in just because you didn't get the result you wanted.

Also if its not a girls school they may have a minimum quota for girls, a touch of positive discrimination.

More likely they'd have a minimum quota for boys. It's well documented that girls do better, on average, on GCSEs and A Levels. It's certainly been asserted here on mumsnet that they also do better at 11+.

One girl at his school who is in the same maths and english sets as DS got a place at a highly sought after school which is hard to explain to DS as he routinely scores higher than her in class tests.

She may have done better on the day. Individual assessments can be a bit skewed if one over preforms on the day and one under performs for some reason.
Also if its not a girls school they may have a minimum quota for girls, a touch of positive discrimination.