Impossible question - but do you think children in private schools are ‘happier’?

Depends on the child, depends on the school, depends on their class mates, depends on their circumstances outside of school etc.
Not only is this not predictable, but it can also change over time.
However, irrelevant of state or private, you are looking for the best fit for your child.

My experience is that some children are monosyllabic and some are quite chatty. And it doesn't have an awful lot to do with the school they go to. My niece and nephew both go to (the same) private school. My niece never stops talking whereas my nephew generally struggles to manage to say "hello".

We probably all have different experiences state v private and tech / phones

I can’t relate to below about friends just scrolling when meeting up

Op, do you like the girls who come out of the school you are looking at? Is it single sex?

And actually, her old state school friends ARE more obsessed with her phones, as she told me when she went round to an old friend's house last year - four of them, and the three just sat scrolling on their phones the whole time, not even talking to each other. She came home and said never again.

To suggest state school children more likely (even in your anecdotal opinion) to have more of a problem with phones is really verging on ignorance

I didn't say they had more of a problem with phones (although when dd3 was at state secondary that's all they did at lunchtime whereas now she has enough time at lunch to do proper sport or art club and all phones are left in boarding houses), I said they are monosyllabic and glued to their phones if you ever meet them anywhere, whereas dds friends are chatty and nice to talk to.

You can try and call me ignorant all you like but that's my experience, if you don't like it then do ahead and rubbish it.

It's all down to each individual child, and which school environment suits their own particular personality and educational needs.

But having just re-read your comments again, there is a lot of mention about what you and your DH think about private schools. Have you actually broached the subject with your DD? She's the important one here.

@MrsMiaWallis your anecdotes do make me giggle. I was telling you on another thread that I was catching up with a friend who is deputy head at a very famous prep last week and one of the things he was telling me about was the use of phones - they take them off the kids and then the kids usually have at least one secret phone sometimes two. They are up at night in boarding houses on these devices and it is a nightmare to police. Porn biggest problem with the older year 7 &8 boys often parents have no idea about phone number 2 so no filters. To suggest state school children more likely (even in your anecdotal opinion) to have more of a problem with phones is really verging on ignorance. Believe me money buys better tech and more tech. All kids have problems with phones they are addictive things!

I’m sorry you and your dd are going through this difficult time.

I have 2 dds (now 18 and 15, both went state primary and private secondary) and year 8 is a difficult time friendship-wise for many in this year. They are changing fast, finding themselves and friendships come and go. This will be just the same at a private school.

The benefit of a private school will be more individual attention but they can’t motivate an unmotivated child. There can be a lot of pressure from the teachers if it’s a selective private. Teachers are under pressure to deliver results to maintain the business. This can have two negative consequences. Some pupils don’t respond well to pressure and this can be detrimental to them. Some, of course, thrive under the pressure. There is a tendency to spoon feed and they don’t learn independent study skills.

In the end it is about finding the right school for your child and private schools just widen out the choice. You are best placed, together with your dd, to find the best fit.

Reading your description of your daughter...you’ve mentioned lacking motivation, hiding behind her hair, losing interest in her activities. Have you considered if she might be depressed? How is her appetite and her sleep?

totally agree with flourandeggs

But reassured, ds ia 18 and already human again. Dd1 at 15 is doing pretty well.

13 is the pits

@Diddlysquatty just bear with her. I have experience of my own girls, my step sister and numerous teens through work. Their brains are being rewired (imagine them like larger more spotty toddlers). For a while they will seem very different to the child you knew. Hormones, period cycles, sexual awakening, work and test/exam pressure ...what a bloody malestrom to be dealing with. They have no idea who they are, what they want, but they often know who you want them to be and rage against that because they know that they can, you are safe, you won’t leave them (you might want to!) Their brains finally stop developing at 25 (scary hey!) and then they will be more like the child you remember them being, rediscovering things they loved in that more innocent stage - walks, reading books, talking even!! Let loose the reins of expectation, let your daughter work out who she is and be there for her whoever that person is (sexuality, attitude to work, how she fits in to friendship groups, introvert or extrovert.) Right now she is going through a complete body and mind revolution and you are there to help from the sidelines. Everything she learns along the way will stand her in great stead for adult life. Find yourself a mentor with older children, read books on teenage brains and try as much as you can not to judge her, just watch as she pushes up her stalk and unfurls her leaves and finally a beautiful flower 🌺.She isn’t you, she isn’t who she was as a child, but I have a feeling she’s going to be a rather wonderful version of herself - eventually.

well in answer to your question, no.
I don't think you can generalise. So much depends on the child, the school, and the social group they are in.

I went to private, I was moderately happy, I met some very unhappy girls and some perfectly happy ones. Their happiness tended to be associated with their family situation usually.

I have a year 8 dd and 2 older ones.

I think this year has been crap. In year 7 you do a lot of friendship making and adjusting to secondary. But they didn't get to do that, so they are on the back foot. My dd found lockdown hard, she didn't stay on top of things, she is top set, academic etc, but couldn't manage the oraganisation.
So going in to year 8 she has been on the back foot, as probably has your dd. School is encouraging them to work hard, almost as if they are cramming in what they have missed, that hasn't really helped. Friendships have been hard as they have been in bubbles with their tutor group, but dds friends are in another tutor group and so on.

I think a lot of what your dd is experiencing is due to 2020.
Have you spoken to school?
Also, 13 is a rubbish age, so many hormones, the pull between being a child and a teen, it is really hard.

No easy solutions, just want to sympathise and say I am not sure private will make the difference, but she does sound as if she needs something

No. I work with kids from both sectors and they have the same problems - mental health, issues with family/parents, addiction issues, self harm, eating disorders, depression, suicidal thoughts. Teenagers at secondary school are all attending ‘institutions’ and these are hard places to exist for many people, it is for most people, whatever sector they were educated in, one of the toughest times of their life as their brain changes from child to adolescent whilst surrounded by peers going through the same. What I would say is that if she wants to go to uni she might be better off learning how to deal with the issues that come with larger classes and less handholding at the state school as this will be closer to her experience at Uni. Teach her how to face and deal with these issues now whilst she is under your roof and your guidance and then she will have the skills and resilience once she gets to Uni. If you wrap them up too tight they have to come out into the cold at some point - far better under your roof than at Uni. Year 8 is worst year with girls, year 11 with boys.

DS 16 is at a good for round here independent which makes it average in national tables. Agree with all the PP who have said it depends on the school. I have a couple of grumbles about it but looking at the whole picture it's been a good fit for him and he's doing well.

I completely agree with the being seen element. I was worried early on when the head knew DS's name but turns out the head teaches a year 7 class each year to keep his hand in and get to know pupils early on. In contrast a friend's husband is a deputy head in a 2000+ secondary and admits most students don't know his name/role.

I went state for yr7-11 then private for 6th form. Both had pluses and minuses but I am convinced I got decent A levels because of the move.

With regard to yr8 friendships, DS school changes all the forms around at the end of year 8 to shake out these issues (definitely not streaming).

You might find a new school rekindles interest in music too. PE is inclusive in that Zumba and yoga are offered alongside competitive sports. I would at least take your DD to see other schools.

Try a school with a large intake into Y9 (after CE) , which might avoid the "latecomer" issue.

Honestly you could have issues at any school relating to friendships - it's impossible to predict what random bunch of people are thrown together, although certain schools do draw people from similar backgrounds depending on location, boarding vs day, parent professions etc. Just like state schools. Equally you could have problems with her motivation at any school regardless of how amazing the teachers are.

Most schools are anti bullying and have kindness amongst their stated core values these days, so the only way to find out what a place is really like us to do as much research as possible & don't believe everything you read on Internet forums with regards to "reviews".

If you want to move her, visit the schools, talk to the headteachers, ask all the questions, talk to as many staff as possible - obviously all much easier in a non-Covid scenario. Involve her in the process. As they say "looking is free"!

I just had to move my DS (8) and we did a lot of looking. We've chosen the new place as we felt it had the right balance for him, even though we looked at other schools which we were impressed by too. Even now I refuse to say it's the right thing as only time will tell, but we made the best decision with the information available at the time.

I'd move her if there was a strong yr 9 intake and the school was the right fit for her.

My DD's private school mixes up all the forms in year 9 to help newcomers mix and fit in.

My DD's school is all about bringing out the best in an individual - academic, sporting, artistic etc. It's not highly pressured but it seems to motivate DD to work really hard. She has a brilliant friendship group who are similarly motivated. Her teachers seem to know her and her potential. She had outstanding support during lockdown and honestly we couldn't be happier.

Ds was utterly miserable and we removed him.

Perhaps your social circle is rather narrow perhaps!

I'm glad we moved my dd for year 9, OP. She's now halfway through year 10 and I don't regret it in the slightest - and yes, she's much happier than she was at her old school.

Does your dd want to move?

@AlexaShutUp

This is purely anecdotal, but I was really shocked at the prevalence of mental health problems amongst my privately educated peers at Cambridge. Perhaps it was coincidence, but my state educated friends did not appear to have nearly so many problems.

I found the same - particularly the ones from the top London schools. Even those that didn’t have specific mental health issues seemed permanently dissatisfied with life - they were never clever enough, never thin enough, sporty enough, etc. etc. And it carried on into their lives afterwards - constantly thinking they didn’t have a good enough job, big enough house... I think it was probably due to the constant comparison with their peers at school.
From what I hear private schools have become much better at managing this with good pastoral care etc so maybe it is better now but it certainly isn’t clear that private school will make you happier. Totally depends on the fit of the school for the child.